Prepare for the holidays in a way that helps the intimacy in your marriage be nurtured rather than blown away.

As I write this, I am sitting under a winter storm warning.

People around here are doing what they do when a big snow is on the way. They’re making sure their snow blowers are gassed up and their sidewalk salt is ready to go. Their digging out the winter hats and gloves. They’re gathering the last of the garden harvest. And yes, they’re going to the store for bread and milk. Read More →

Spice up your sex life during the holidays
It begins. The whirlwind of holiday activities is around us—and so is the stress.

If you have begun working to change your sex life, stress can cause a pretty big hiccup. Read More →

Today’s post is from Dr. Swtfeet, who shares with us about her husband’s interest in her feet and how that has become something she enjoys as much as he does. She shows us  how being open-minded can open up new routes to intimacy and pleasure for her as well as for him. Learning to step outside her comfort zone (barefoot, of course) opened an unexpected and new world of pleasure for her.

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feet

Early in our marriage I started to notice that my husband was always willing to massage my feet and always commenting on my pedicures. After a while it was rather easy to tell that he was getting excited when he would massage my feet. Later on he would make cute comments about my feet when I walked around the house barefoot, which was most of the time since I hate wearing shoes. Then I started to notice that he wasn’t too crazy about me walking outside barefoot.  I don’t remember exactly how we started talking about my feet and his affection for them, but eventually it became clear that we needed to.

We eventually started having the first of many conversations about his attraction to my feet, but to be honest, I don’t remember how the first one started or who started it. I had taken quite a few psychology classes in high school and College, so I had learned some things about foot fetishes and other body part fetishes and partialisms. After taking many of those classes, I had come to the correct conclusion that there was nothing wrong with a fetish or partialism as long as it didn’t hurt either partner.

When my husband first told me that he had a foot fetish, my first reaction was, “okay, no problem.  I don’t mind.” Like I said,  I knew that fetishes and partialisms were fine as long as it both partners were okay with it, but I soon realized that there were many activities that I would have to get comfortable with. One of these was giving him a footjob to completion. I soon learned that I just wasn’t quite comfortable yet with him climaxing on my feet. During the first few times I tried giving my husband a footjob, just before he reached his climax, I would try to pull my feet away. This was frustrating for him for obvious reasons. After a few unsuccessful attempts, we talked about it and how it wasn’t satisfying his needs but also how we could change things so that I could work on getting comfortable with it.  After these open and honest discussions, we decided that the compromise would be for him to wear a condom while I performed the footjob. That worked great for a while and soon my husband was enjoying my feet while I started to get comfortable with the notion of feet for sex. After a few months, my comfort level had risen so significantly that eventually I stopped asking him to wear the condom and allowed him to climax on my feet every time. Both of us were happy with this outcome, especially my husband.

At first, I gave my husband a footjob as a special thank you for an awesome foot massage. It was also a unique way to be close to him and satisfy his need for foot attention. If I wasn’t up for sex that night, giving him a footjob was a perfect way to take care of his needs. Then as our foot activities evolved, I started to discover that I craved giving him a footjob as much as he did. My comfort level soon rose so much that if I went for a period of time without using my feet, I started to crave giving him a footjob. Eventually, I came to realize that I was just as much into involving my feet as he was and I also yearned for him to lavish his attention onto my feet.

I am and always have been a very open minded person. To prepare myself, I would just remind myself that it was something special that only I could give my husband. I really didn’t think about what I was doing to prepare for it, instead I just wanted to do it because I loved my husband more than anything and I wanted to please him. And like I said before, he would always give me an exceptionally great foot massage either before or after our special ‘foot’ time, so as far as I was concerned it was a mutually satisfying experience.

Our marriage is a lot stronger since we have incorporated my feet into our sex life. Footjobs were our bedroom activity of choice when I was pregnant with our 3 kids since there were many times that I was just too uncomfortable to have traditional sex. But with footjobs and foot sex, I could still have that intimate closeness with my husband while I was pregnant. When my husband suffered through some medical issues, there were times when traditional sex was just not possible. Again Foot sex was a good alternative and it kept our sex life very active. I also came to believe that involving my feet in our sex life was a close bond that only the both of us knew that we had. It was like giving my husband my virginity, but it was only something that I could give my husband and it was our special secret.

Now many years later, if my husband hits the right spot on my feet during a footjob or foot sex, I am likely to get an orgasm from it as well. The sensation of rubbing my feet or parts of my feet on him ushers in a bond that you can’t get any other way but through intercourse

Over the years, my husband and I have quite a bit of research on foot fetishes and foot partialisms. It surprised me how deeply rooted in ancient history foot fetishism was and I was also surprised to learn that there are over 7000 nerve endings in each foot and I believe that foot sex helps stimulate those nerve endings.

I personally think that if your husband is attracted to your feet you can only strengthen your marital bond by trying to satisfy him and as I have shown, it will also benefit you. Ultimately, we took it slow, communicated and researched it together. I am happy to report that there are a lot of different ways to give your spouse a footjob and many ways to involve feet in your sex life. You merely have to be willing open your mind and take off your shoes!

For wives who perhaps want to explore incorporating feet into their sex life, or wives who know or believe that their husband is partial to feet, you can visit our educational blog, Foot Fetish 101 to learn more. To apply for membership to this blog, please email us at drswtfeet@yahoo.com, or dr.sole2@yahoo.com to apply for membership and let us know why you are interested in joining.

Image courtesy of mack2happy at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

For several weeks, I’ve written about the value of stepping outside our sexual comfort zones. I’ve shared some of my stories.

Now I would like to share with you some stories from other women. They range from things from simple “just getting started” steps to activities that some women would consider “out there.” The steps these women will describe for you are all different, but they all share courage and a willingness to try something different.

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Today we hear from Jewel, whose story shows us the process of being courageous. Society bombards women with messages about their bodies. When we get that same message from our husbands (whether or not that was his intended message), we hurt. We struggle to believe our husbands’ words that they want to see us, that they desire us, that they find us beautiful. We don’t believe them, thinking they are complimenting us only because they want to have sex.

Once we are brave and expose ourselves anyway, we have an opportunity to learn how much we are truly desired. We can learn to become comfortable with something, even though it may feel impossible when we begin.

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redlights

Having some light seems so simple, yet it was very much out of my comfort zone (and still is a little).

A little background: I have been hiding my body for years. A couple of years into my marriage, after some weight gain, I had asked my husband if he still found me sexually attractive. There was silence, which I read as rejection, (which I now know that I put him in a very bad position) but that silence hurt me beyond what my words can express. At that moment, I actually made a vow that “he would never see me naked again.” Throughout our marriage he did see some nakedness, but I never was truly “naked” before him (body, mind or soul.)

Fast-forward about 15 or 16 years and after reading some blogs, especially this one, I was convicted on becoming a “generous” wife in our marriage bed. After I apologized to my husband for all my years of rejecting him and telling him that I wouldn’t say “no” anymore, all of these different requests started coming out of the woodwork: He wanted me naked, he wanted to bathe with me, he wanted to see me when we made love. I am not only around the same size I was all those years ago when he rejected me, but I’m older and my body bears the signs of motherhood, and even though we’ve talked about, worked through and forgiven that incident from so many years earlier, the scars from that wound are still there.

One day, early on in becoming a “generous” wife, while reading The Forgiven Wife, someone made a comment about using a red light and how it “softened” the body and it gave the ambiance of fire light. I thought, “I can try that.” I first mentioned it to my husband, and he was game. I believe that anything that would allow him to “see” would be a good thing, being that he is very visual.

We went to a thrift store and purchased a cheap reading lamp, we then went to the store and bought a dark red light bulb. Our very first use was a surprise to my husband. I went into our master bath, ran a bubble bath for myself thinking I might see how this light works. I moved it into the bathroom and used it for my lighting. I saw that it did “soften” my body and some of my “flaws” were hidden, so I then invited my husband to join me. It was a dream come true for him.

Since that first use, we have used it often, mainly in our bedroom. He now has a light he can turn on and he can see my body and he can see my face. He has shared often that him being able to see me is a “turn on” for him. He enjoys being able to see that he can bring me pleasure and that he can bring me to orgasm. He has shared what he sees when watching me, like how my muscles move, how my mouth changes, my eyes, my femininity like breasts and soft skin. I don’t completely understand it, but I believe I’m starting to realize that this is something that is very important to him and to many men.

My husband tells me I’m beautiful daily. He tells me he loves seeing my naked body. He tells me he loves certain body parts, I say “with flaws”, he says, “What flaws? They’re perfect.” Yet, still after four months of almost daily love making, my first reaction is to cover up, to hide, to “protect” myself.

I’m still not completely “comfortable” in all of my nakedness and I can’t fathom that ANY one would want to see this body unclothed, but there is a power, an assurance, a security, a healing balm on that old wound, in the fact that I can see,with my own eyes, in the light, that my husband does respond to me and my body. His actions remind me of Proverbs 5:18-19:

“Let your fountain be blessed,
And rejoice in the wife of your youth.
As a loving hind and a graceful doe,
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
Be exhilarated always with her love.”

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Are you ready to step outside your comfort zone? For the next few Fridays, I’ll be writing about our sexual comfort zones. How do we get unstuck? And what happens when take a step outside?

For the past few several weeks, I’ve been writing about stepping outside your sexual comfort zone in order to experience more joy, intimacy, and pleasure in the marriage bed. In The Comfort Zone, I shared that the best orgasm of my life happened outside my comfort zone. In The Macaroni and Cheese Lesson: Stepping Your Toes Outside Your Comfort Zone, I encouraged you to try to take a baby step, changing just one thing from something inside your sexual comfort zone.

When I say to step outside your comfort zone, I do know what I’m asking of you. I’m asking you to let go of the comfort and stability of the way things have been. I’m asking you to take a risk and step into something new.

But how do we do this? Some people are jump-in-the-deep-end, rip-the-bandaid-off kind of people. They decide to do something, and they just do it, whole hog, all at once. For them, the bulk of the effort is in the process of deciding to do it. I’m like that with some things. When I’ve been struggling with a decision, as soon as I decide—and if I know what to do and what to expect—I just want to do it all at once and get ‘er done.

But with sex, I didn’t really make a decision to make a big change, so this approach didn’t work for me. I’ve heard from other women as they share the struggle of their journey. Sometimes they know where they’re headed, and they know why—but they don’t know how. Or they know where, why, and how—but they’re afraid.

How can those of us who are the wade-in-gradually-until-we-see-what’s-hiding-in-the-water women manage to get ourselves outside the comfort zone to be able to dance in the land of desire outside it?

Honey, we just take it one step at a time.

Some things can make this easier for us:

  • Step outside your non-sexual comfort zones. The more our minds get used to the experience of doing something unfamiliar in one area, the easier it is for us to carry that ability into our sex lives. Switch up a recipe. Drive a new route to work or a friend’s house. If you’re used to saying “yes” when asked to volunteer, change how you say “yes” (for instance, saying that you’ll get back to the person the following day instead of agreeing right away). These small changes every now and then will help you become a person who can handle a little uncertainty with grace and courage.
  • Be willing to be silly. If you don’t do something well, who’s going to know? Only your husband. And so what? Does he do everything perfectly in bed? Enjoy making mistakes and figuring it out together. I’ve avoided new positions in the past due to fear of various bodily functions doing embarrassing things. Now, if we do something new, I simply tell my husband, “Okay, I’m going to make a list of all the things I’m worried about happening—and once that’s out of my head, we can do it.” We tried the game Bliss. I don’t remember what the question or task was, but I couldn’t stop giggling. I was completely outside my comfort zone, and apparently my response to that is giggling. I decided to get over myself and just embraced the giggling. While it wasn’t my sexiest or most attractive moment, what we both remember is that we made an effort—together—to do something different. Okay, we also remember the giggling, but fondly.
  • Make an effort to look for the value in the unexpected. In sex and in other areas of life, learn to appreciate the blessings that come in surprises. We recently discovered that a possum had taken up residence on our back porch. My first reaction was to be upset that my back porch was so animal friendly. My husband wanted to kill it. I was very upset at the idea, but I decided that since he was taking care of it, I should just let it go. I told him I would prefer it not be killed. Several days later, he came home with a live trap and pet food as bait. The next morning, before I even got out of bed, he had carried the cage across the street to let the trapped possum loose in the park. I did NOT want a possum on the porch at all—but I got to see my husband care enough about me that he captured the possum live instead of dealing with it the way he wanted to. The possum was unexpected, but it allowed me to see something I might not have seen otherwise.
  • Imagine your success. During the Olympics, we always hear about athletes visualizing their routine and their success. We can do the same thing with sex. Visualize how it will look (or imagine how it will feel) to do the new thing we’re preparing to do. If you’re getting brave enough to let your husband see you naked in bright light, imagine the way his eyes will look when you surprise him. Imagine the response of a different area of his body when you decide to try giving him oral sex.

Stepping outside your comfort zone is really like doing the hokey pokey. You know, you put your left foot in, then your right foot, then your hand, and so on . . . The next thing you know, you’ve thrown your whole self in and you’re shaking all about. Now, just imagine doing that naked, and you’re practically halfway there.

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Next week, I’ll be posting the first of several stories from women who have stepped outside their comfort zones to discover the great pleasure waiting for them there.

You’ll hear from women who have tried new lighting, gotten naked, responded to a husband’s interest in feet, embraced anal sex, and come to enjoy private photography and video. If you have a story to share, I’d love to be able to include it.

Are you ready to step outside your comfort zone? For the next few Fridays, I’ll be writing about our sexual comfort zones. How do we get unstuck? And what happens when take a step outside?

There is nothing wrong with having a routine that works, even in the bedroom. Maybe you and your husband have a usual—you kiss, he touches your breasts, you touch his penis, he gives you oral, and then you do missionary. Comfort zone sex is like comfort food. It isn’t spectacular, but it fills a need in body and soul. Comfort zone sex does the same thing.

My favorite comfort food is macaroni and cheese. I’d like to be able to claim it was a specific recipe that only my mom could make or something, but it’s the boxed kind with the fake cheese in a pouch. When I’m having a rough day, that’s what I really want (preferably with Pringles). It’s predictable and I love it.

When I eat at a restaurant, I tend to order dishes I would never cook at home—so naturally, it would never occur to me to order macaroni and cheese. How good can mac and cheese be, anyway? I love my boxed stuff, so it never occurred to me to think of ordering it out.

But there’s a pub near my campus that I go to for lunch sometimes. I used to order a burger and fries—but a couple of my co-workers raved about the macaroni and cheese and ordered it every single time. When their orders would arrive, my co-workers looked like they were in food heaven. I admitted to myself that the macaroni and cheese did indeed look good and creamy, although I couldn’t understand these women’s passion for it. Finally, I was curious enough to try it myself.

Oh. My. Goodness.

It is the best macaroni and cheese I’ve ever had in my life. It is creamy with a perfect blend of several upscale cheeses, topped with toasted bread crumbs. Ooh, la la. I’d had no idea what I’d been missing. It wasn’t anything like my boxed version. It was my comfort food, only an oh-so-much better version of the stuff I love.

I still love my boxed stuff at home, but when I have a chance, I order the pub’s macaroni and cheese (with sweet potato fries rather than Pringles). If I hadn’t been willing to step outside my usual comfort food comfort zone to order this version, I wouldn’t have had the experience of eating this wonderful dish. I could have gone my whole life without it and never missed it—but I am so glad I have this experience to look forward to every now and then.

Macaroni and cheese is still my comfort food—but that doesn’t mean it has to be exactly the same every time. I had no idea how much better my comfort food could be.

So maybe you have a comfort zone sex routine—kiss, breasts, penis, oral, missionary. Could you take this same routine comfort zone sex and change it up sometimes to make it an even better version of the same thing? How would this same routine be at a different time of day? In a different room? With different lighting? Pretending that your husband is a swashbuckler and you are his wench? With a vibrator? With two of the steps switched around? Faster? Slower? Upside down?

Stepping outside your sexual comfort zone doesn’t have to be a giant step. You can start by just putting your toe outside the zone. Keep your comfort zone sex, but just shake it up a bit.

Ooh, la la.

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Messy Marriage

The best orgasm of my life happened a few months ago. My husband and I were in a hotel room with a lovely city view. Late morning sunlight filled the room. I had already had several strong orgasms. But then . . . wow. It was the kind of orgasm that made me smile for days. I wanted to tell everyone I saw about this amazing orgasm. I wanted to review it with my husband over and over again. I wanted to announce it on Facebook and Twitter.

It was the orgasm against which all future orgasms will be measured. And I very nearly missed it.

How did this happen? Is my husband that good of a lover? (Yes, but that isn’t why.) Am I one of those women who can orgasm at the drop of a hat? (Sadly, no.) Were we in a position or engaged in an activity we had perfected over a period of years? (No. In fact, it was only the third time we had engaged in this particular activity.)

It was all because I stepped outside my comfort zone. If I hadn’t been willing to step outside my comfort zone to try a new sexual activity with my husband—and to keep trying it until I got more comfortable with it, I would have missed out on the best orgasm of my life. What a shame that would have been.

The Comfort Zone

A comfort zone is a mental state of being where we feel secure, comfortable, and in control. We act in a rhythm that is predictable and routine in order to reduce stress, anxiety, and feelings of risk. If something doesn’t fit within our preferred arrangement of life, it is outside our comfort zone. Stepping outside the comfort zone contains some risk and anxiety, so it is natural to want to stay inside the zone. Humans need routine and a sense of what to expect.

There is nothing wrong with having a routine that works, even in the marriage bed. It’s good to have a comfort zone. After all, there are times you need sex to provide you with comfort. No matter what new things we try, we have an old stand-by that is perfect for when we just need to reconnect in a basic way. The problem isn’t having a comfort zone; it is staying inside that comfort zone all the time that limits us.

So what’s the big deal?

Much of the literature I’ve seen about the comfort zone relates to business and productivity, including pieces from Forbes and Wall Street Journal and TIME. While we don’t typically think of our marriages in terms of productivity, shouldn’t we be striving for growth and success in our marriages?

Staying in your sexual comfort zone can affect your sex life—and your marriage.

  • When you take few risks, you have few chances for growth.
  • The longer you stay in your comfort zone, the harder it is to leave when it becomes necessary. Practice builds ability and confidence, after all.
  • Sure, the same three-step sexual activity works, but it’s kind of boring to do time after time after time. The only difference between a rut and a grave is dimension.
  • Boredom leads to avoidance leads to excuses—and these things can damage a marital relationship.
  • Our greatest productivity and performance come when we have just a bit of anxiety from being outside our comfort zone. If you want the greatest sex life possible, you’re going to have to get brave and try new things sometimes.
  • Sharing new adventures with your spouse builds intimacy.

Are you stuck?

Are you stuck in your sexual comfort zone? Do you find yourself responding to your husband’s suggestions for increased frequency or new positions or activities with any of the following? Do you dismiss your own desires and interests sometimes, never even bothering to mention them to your husband?

  • Nope. I’m just not interested. I just wouldn’t be comfortable with that.
  • I tried it once and didn’t like it. There’s nothing wrong with what we do now.
  • He only wants it because he saw it in porn.
  • I probably wouldn’t be any good at it.
  • It looks too complicated.

For the next few Fridays, I’ll be writing about our sexual comfort zones. How do we get unstuck? And what happens when take a step outside? I took a step outside my sexual comfort zone as a way of being generous to my husband—and I had the best orgasm of my life. Stepping outside the comfort zone at my husband’s request turned out to be just as much of a blessing to me. And what we were doing is something I now request for my own sake. If I had stayed inside my comfort zone, I wouldn’t be having some of my best sexual experiences now.

I am also going to share some stories from women who have been blessed by the choice to go outside their comfort zones. Ladies, if you have a story to share, I would love to include it! It can be a brand new activity, a new position, a new lighting source, your first time being completely uninhibited in the bedroom, undressing in front of your husband for the first time in years, or using sexy lighting for the first time. It can be something that is outside the norm a bit or something that you think many women wouldn’t even think of as a change. Big or small steps, if you found courage to do something outside your sexual comfort zone, I would love to be able to let other women know how you were blessed.

If you’re willing to share your story of stepping outside your comfort zone, email me your stories at forgivenwife@gmail.com. (Please let me know what name or pseudonym you’d like me to use if I include your story.)

I ran across a definition of “comfort zone” that made me chuckle:

The temperature range . . . at which the naked human body is able to maintain a heat balance without shivering or sweating.

Sex is supposed to alter your heat balance. Amazing sex should leave you shivering and shaking. If you haven’t had much sex that involves your naked body shivering or sweating, you are definitely missing out. It’s about time you decided to step outside your comfort zone. And who knows? Maybe the best orgasm of your life is out there waiting for you.

Are you ready to take a step?

Other Posts in the Comfort Zone Series:

Photo credit: anankkml at FreeDigitalPhotos.net