A couple months ago, I wrote this in an online forum. I really liked it, and it’s one of those things that keeps coming back to me. Especially during stretches where my husband and I don’t seem to be connecting as much (sexually or emotionally), it’s a good reminder to me. (I’ve tweaked it just a tad.)
I’ve always had body issues of one kind or another. When I was young, I was fit but didn’t feel pretty. By the time I started thinking that maybe I wasn’t too bad looking, I’d started putting on weight. I kept gaining after my babies were born, and now I’ve been about 70 pounds overweight for over 15 years. Although I don’t like my body and I know I need to be healthier, my husband has never even once made a negative comment about my body and his desire for me has never waned. (I have finally realized what a blessing this is.) For a while, though, every time he would tell me I’m beautiful or sexy or that looking at me made him want me, I felt that it was just a sign that he was wrong or lying or just trying to get something. It never even occurred to me that he truly believed his own words.
I was finally able to see myself through his eyes when he took a picture of me a few months ago. We had just gotten an app for our phones that allowed us to share pictures with each other without risk of anyone else seeing them, and I asked him to take a picture of me giving him oral sex because I wondered what it looked like from his point of view. I figured that the only thing of me in the picture would be my face. As I was trying to crawl into position, though, he took a picture of me in all my nakedness.
When I looked at it later, I finally saw the woman he’s been seeing and loving. The picture was all blurry because I was moving. That in itself said something about my involvement in being sexual with him—a big change from the years when I preferred to lie passively. All the body parts I tend to not like were in the picture—but because I was moving and the light was dimmed, all the details I dislike were blurred or shadowed. My belly and pubic area are in shadows. My breasts are swaying like deflated balloons, but the stretch marks are blurred to invisibility and my nipples are hidden in shadow. There are no private parts really showing, but it is the most sensual and sexual picture I could ever imagine of me. My hand is reaching toward my husband, and knowing what I was preparing to do makes this a very erotic picture.
It is the only picture of myself that I have ever truly loved. It shows me preparing for the very act of being a woman who is loving her husband. I look amazing. No wonder my husband thinks I’m sexy. I really am!
Recently we were lying in bed, and in the afterglow, I was frowning at my breasts as the sunlight highlighted the stretch marks and dry skin. And then I remembered that my breasts are so much more than a collection of droopiness and stretch marks and dry skin, and that I am so much more as a woman than my breasts or any other collection of parts I don’t like. I need to stop letting the details get in the way of seeing the glory that is my womanly body.
Do you know how sexy you are? Just ask your husband how he sees you.
Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net