I’m still searching for my voice in this blog. I know it will settle into place eventually. But even though I’m still seeking my voice, I have a very solid sense of why I started the blog. It is for Christian women who are looking to change their own sexual attitudes and behaviors within their marriages.
Several years ago, I heard a sermon that, well, didn’t change my life as much as it clarified it. Our pastor preached a sermon challenging us to think about what we are called to do. I don’t remember the specifics, but I do remember that he talked about how sometimes there is no burning bush that makes our purpose obvious, that what we need to do is pay attention to the life we’ve been living and the choices we’ve made. What did the pattern of my life show me about what God had arranged for me?
For my entire spiritual life, I’d wondered about what I’m called to do and how I would know when it happens. Even in my mid-40’s, I was wondering, “What is my purpose on this earth, in this life?” On the way home from church that day, I realized that I did know what I was called to do–and that I’ve been doing it in ways for years. Even before I recognized the call, I had responded to it.
I thought about the things I had given my time to during my adult life. As a fairly young adult in grad school, I always made extra time for the young women in my classes when they alluded to abuse, rape, or assault. I provided chocolate and tissues and walked them to counselors’ offices. Even before that, I sat with friends in high school and college and provided hugs, a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to listen. As a mom of young kids, I organized a group for working moms who needed support in their lives. I became involved in several online support groups and websites specifically for women facing certain pregnancy and medical challenges. All of these things had given me a feeling of peace and rightness.
For 30 years, supporting women is the one thing I’ve made time for continuously. Other things have grabbed my attention for a few months or years. Then they passed out of my life. It is only now, as I am able to stand back and look at the tapestry of three decades, that I can see the pattern that has emerged.
I was called to minister to women–but I don’t remember hearing any call at all. At what point did God say, “This is what thou shalt do?” At what point did I say, “Yes, I accept?” God called to my spirit, and it responded joyously, albeit somewhat obliviously. Did any of our Bible figures respond to a call with as much cluelessness as I did? Does it count as accepting the call when you don’t know you’ve done so? I think so, but it’s an odd feeling to know that I didn’t recognize what life I’d been living until I was halfway through it.