I’ve had some questions on my mind lately.
The comments on The Generous Husband’s recent post “Did God Make Women to Want Sex… A LOT?” have seen a lively discussion of what is necessary to convince women to end sexual refusal in their marriages. One commenter argues for the importance of calling women out on the sin of refusal.
In a reply on one of my own recent posts, I share my view that most women respond better to discourse that is relational and demonstrates understanding and a sense of community than they do to discourse that is strictly informational with clear instructions about what to do. I was thinking primarily of written discourse, but I know that this is true for me of oral communication as well. But that’s just me. Women have their own stories, their own journeys that lead to patterns of refusal and gate-keeping. Each marriage is a unique combination of two unique humans. What worked to move me out of refusal into the realm of joyful married sex may not apply to other women.
I believe my sexual refusal was sin. I am coming to understand the things in my life that made it easy for this sin to take root. The process of understanding my sin is helping me heal in ways I didn’t know I needed.
But I’m curious—what are the things that work in helping other women see their sin and moving forward past that sin?
If you are a wife who used to refuse (or be a gate-keeper), what convinced you to change? How did you come to recognize that what you were doing was wrong? If you are still stuck in the habits of refusing or gate-keeping, what kind of thing do you think would help you understand the need to make changes?
How can we (the church as a body and as individuals in relationship with others) be loving and nurturing while still being firm about refusal as contrary to God’s design for marriages?
What persuaded you to learn to say “yes” rather than “no,” and how can we carry this to other refusing wives?
What is the loving way to help a woman out of the sin of refusal?
I would love to know your thoughts on these questions. My experience alone does not offer a path to recovery.