I try to be transparent in this blog. There are times, though, when reaching back into my memories hurts. Sometimes, the hurt is because stepping back in times pulls me right back into the hurt I was feeling in my own marriage at the time. Other times, though, I am remembering something that I did or said. My heart carries some shadowy memories that are hard to put into words.

One of these darker memories resurfaced when my husband was in the hospital recently. I sat next to his bed while he slept, and I wondered if his heart was in worse condition than I realized. It occurred to me that I might actually lose him—and then I remembered that I used to wish that I would.

During the darkest years of our marriage, I was so miserable that I allowed myself to imagine him dying—a sudden death where he wouldn’t suffer. I figured it would allow me to have a fresh start in my life and marry someone who would be a better husband for me.

This memory is one that is sobering and sorrowful for me. Bringing it into the light hurts. Writing about it hurts.

Yet avoiding the hard things is what got my marriage to the point where I even had those thoughts. So here I am today, writing about it, thinking about how the memories seem like they belong to someone else rather than to me.

This past weekend, my family and I drove up to Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan, to celebrate my parents’ anniversary in a dinner cruise on the Soo Locks. On our long trip home yesterday, we drove a nice stretch right along the shores of Lake Michigan.

We pulled off at a small park and walked out onto the beach. My daughter and I waded into the water a bit. I started drawing hearts close to the water, only to watch them be washed away by the waves.

I thought about how grateful I am that God has washed away the old version of our marriage. I thought about the difficult memories I still carry, and I said a prayer of thanks that my husband was alive and able to make the trip with me. I thought about how the unhappy wife I once has been washed away, to be replaced by the wife I am now who experiences joy and contentment in her marriage.

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Once upon a time, there was an unhappy wife who enjoyed day-dreaming about the life she wished she had.

She was a good woman who didn’t understand that sex was a way to meet her husband’s emotional needs. Her husband was a good man who didn’t understand the depths of her emotional needs or the fact that they were non-sexual in nature.

Two hurting people, they were both unhappy in their marriages with no idea how to make things better. The wife often wondered, “How did we get to this unhappy place?” She looked back at the milestones of their married life and saw many wonders, dips, and peaks—yet there were shadowed places where the path did not show.

Not knowing how they got there, she had no idea how to return to where they had been and try a different path to get to a better version of their marriage.

So she day-dreamed and wondered what would happen if her husband were to die.

I suppose I would be sad, she thought. He is part of my life and I know I would miss him. I would go to widow support groups, and I would go to church. I would lose weight and learn how to be confident and feel worthwhile. And one, day, I would meet a man.

She didn’t have a particular man in mind, but she knew what he would be like—strong, tall, gentle, firm of conviction and quiet of voice. She knew what line of work he would be in, and she even imagined how they would meet. She imagined their first kiss, their wedding, and the first time they would make love. Surely, it would be wonderful, she thought.

Sometimes, she would feel guilty at imagining her husband dead and a new man in her life. She wanted to reach out and find a happy marriage. Since she didn’t know how to un-do the marriage she was in, she believed that the only way to a happy marriage was to have a different marriage.

So she daydreamed and felt guilty—and when her husband would make a sexual advance, her guilt about daydreaming him away would persuade her to go ahead and have sex without any resistance at all.

And on those nights, when she didn’t resist and she went into her husband’s arms with no emotional struggle against him (just her internal struggle with her own guilt), she often discovered that she enjoyed herself. She felt loved again, and cherished.

She thought, If only he were like this all the time, I wouldn’t have to daydream about him dying and me finding a better husband. What she didn’t realize was that it wasn’t her husband who had made their encounter better—it was her. Without her usual struggle and tension, sex was different. She was able to absorb the benefits of sex with her husband.

So her heart would be filled, and for a little while she would stop daydreaming.

Then, when things became difficult again, she once again would wonder, How can I make a new marriage without erasing the old one? The cycle of daydreaming-guilt-contentment continued, over and over. How can our marriage become a new creation if we can’t even go back and figure out how we got here? she wondered.

She saw the image of her unhappy marriage carved into stone, and she thought it couldn’t be changed.

But this wife had forgotten what she had read in a great and wondrous book:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

The truth she had forgotten was that God can change all. The marriage she and her husband had built foolishly could be rebuilt by their Maker. She had forgotten that our mistakes and sins can be cleansed by Christ. The problems they had made in their marriage could be washed away by God’s Great Hand, as though they’d carved the problems into sand rather than stone.

Through many trials and much effort, the unhappy wife began to retrace her steps, even though she couldn’t see where the path led in all the shadowy places. She stepped out in faith and learned that as she walked, the shadowy places came into the light.

One day, she looked up and realized that she was no longer in the unhappy place where she had once lived. Instead, she was in a new land—one that looked familiar but was brand new.

She looked at her husband and realized that he had turned into a happy husband, just as she had turned into a happy wife. She thought about the day-dreams she had once had about a different marriage, one full of joy rather than sorrow and hurt.

Her Maker showed her that He had replaced the old marriage with a new creation, one built on a solid foundation. He showed her that it was His light that had allowed her to walk through the shadowy places on the path.

She stood on the shores of a great lake and realized that she didn’t even remember the last time she had day-dreamed. And she was very, very happy.

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I looked at the blank slate on the sand in front of me and thought about how God had made our marriage new. I rejoiced that we had been given a chance to etch a new version of our marriage into our lives by drawing on the same canvas instead of having to go find a new one.

And the shadows around the memories began to fade away.



Photos by Chris Taylor

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19 Thoughts on “The Wife Who Day-Dreamed

  1. onewomanman on August 11, 2014 at 5:06 pm said:

    You are sharing some very timely words. It breaks my heart to say that even today I have entertained the very thoughts about my wife that you had toward your husband. I mean I really don’t wish her harm, but if something happened…well, it wouldn’t be all bad, I could see a new start and a new life with a new woman. All I have left is hope that someday it will change like you have experienced. But lately I feel that hope waning…

    • I am sorry you are in a hurting place right now. I will pray for continued hope in your heart and change in hers.

    • tiffanie2014 on August 12, 2014 at 9:42 am said:

      I pray that your wife’s eyes will opened to love you have for her. She is very lucky you are still there. I used to imagine my husband dying too.. Until last year… We almost divorced. We are still dealing with the hurt we caused eachother, but faced with the reality of him actually being gone from my life, I couldn’t take it.. I know that I am renewed…

    • I wanted to add my thanks for sharing this. It had never occurred to me to wonder if my husband, too, had the same thoughts about me that I did about him. Your words may serve to startle a few women who have not thought about how their husbands are affected by the state of their marriage.

  2. You words made me cry. Your words were my thoughts. I feel such guilt for having them. I feel such sadness for the hurt I have caused.

    • I understand the guilt and sadness all too well. When those feelings come, pray to replace the feeling of guilt with that of redemption and the feeling of sadness with that of conviction.

  3. HisSouthernWife on August 11, 2014 at 8:52 pm said:

    You are a wonderful woman & writer & dreamer. Thank you for sharing your heart. I feel a very close sisterhood in my reading of your writing. ~Tears falling with you sister.

  4. Craig and Stacy on August 11, 2014 at 10:40 pm said:


    Sent from my iPhone


  5. IntimacySeeker on August 12, 2014 at 9:12 am said:

    Chris, this may be the most powerful piece of yourself you have shared here. I would (and sometimes still) have the same daydream, but there is no new husband. Being alone seems the safest option. Thank you for the hope, encouragement, and confidence you inspire in others. We are grateful and indebted.

    • Thank you for your comment. I’m not sure how much I really shared myself, given that most of it is written in third person. 🙂

      I wonder if God sees “safe” differently than we do. Stepping out in faith requires stepping away from what we think will be safe for us. My husband is just now starting to make some changes, but for the most part, I have the same husband I always did. The difference is in how I see him. Hang in there.

      • IntimacySeeker on August 12, 2014 at 10:19 am said:

        Inviting your readers to “wonder” and “consider” truly helps us grow. Our fear of loss can be incapacitating. The constant anticipation is exhausting and we sometimes think it would be easier to just “get it over with already.”
        Also exhausting is the whole transformation process. Sometimes I feel I am two persons in one body, as the old gives way to the new. There is constant struggle inside me. Did you ever feel this way?

        • I felt like that a lot, especially at first. Sometimes it would almost be like one part of me was observing the other part. My mind would be telling me, “This isn’t a big deal. You know you like sex. You know he loves you.” But that same part of my mind would be watching the other part of me that was totally freaking out about how to have sex. It was bizarre.

          Transformation can be exhausting. However, it can also be exhilarating. There are times I think about where I was and how I got to where I am, and think, “Wow. Did I really do that? Yay, me!” Success begets success.

  6. Janna A. on August 12, 2014 at 10:32 pm said:

    Yep. Had the same dream. My mind still goes to “what if he died” but it’s different now.

  7. I know I’ve told you this before, but every time I read your blog I feel a little more at ease. Knowing that what I am going through – I am not alone. But, also, there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope. There is a life far different to the one I have now AND it INCLUDES the people I have now. I am so looking forward to moving further along this path I am walking and already there has been such growth. I see changes in my husband that wasn’t there before. Changes – because I have decided to walk God’s walk in my marriage. Changes – because I have decided to say yes to my marriage and yes to my husband and yes to me. Not every day is that difficult anymore. And not every day is easy – but on the difficult days I log onto your blog and garner such encouragement. Thank you for your inspiration. I know this is difficult for you to share, but please know the encouragement you offer one little wife in South Africa. Thank you.

  8. I am so guilty of this.. God forgive me!
    I am a happy wife. I am THRIVING in a spiritually unequal marriage. I have learned to focus on gratitude and what a difference that has made! My perspective of my husband and our marriage has changed.
    But honestly.. behind my rose-colored glasses, my marriage is still broken. Dear God, please wipe my canvas clean and paint something beautiful on the SAME CANVAS!

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