An Outward and Visible Sign


What does your underwear say about the sexual state of your marriage?

During the time in my life when my friends and I were getting married, our preparations included thinking about foundation garments—underclothing that helps shape a woman’s figure and provides a foundation for the clothing. I always thought of foundation garments as nothing more than uncomfortable underwear.

One of the changes that my husband has seen—literally—is a shift in my undies. In the days when I wanted to discourage any thoughts about sex, I thought of underwear as a line of defense against his sexual advances. All my panties came in packages from discount stores. My bras were always white or beige. Boring and unappealing—which was the whole point. After all, my husband was the only one who ever saw them, and I certainly didn’t want to encourage him to look too much.

As I was putting laundry away the other day, I took a good look at my underwear drawer. It was overflowing. How did that happen? I’m not an underwear addict, after all. I still have all the boring stuff from before in there, but I noticed that there was a lot more color in that drawer of drawers.

I have started a collection of cute and sexy undies, with bras that actually are just a bit eye-popping. Jungle print, bright pink, navy, bright polka dots, silky black, you name it. My husband is still the only one who ever sees it. The difference is that now I want him to look. I want to draw his eyes to me. I want him to look at me and think about sex.

My underwear selection is a symbol, a foundation, of my attitude toward sex. When I wore ugly undies and boring bras, it was setting the tone for the sexual aspect of our marriage—ugly, boring, disengaged. As I opened myself to sexual joy, the new kaleidoscope of my underwear drawer set the tone, too—adventurous, colorful, rich, engaged, hot.

It is fair to say that my underwear is an outward and visible (but only to my husband) sign of an inward and spiritual change.

What does your underwear say about the sexual state of your marriage?

What does your underwear say about the sexual state of your marriage?

Image courtesy of Sicha Pongjivanich /

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12 Comments on “An Outward and Visible Sign”

  1. YOU are one of my new favorite bloggers!!!
    Let me intro myself to you ~ married almost 42 1/2 years, hubby is a pastor. I “thought” I was a good submissive wife till a few years ago when the Lord showed me how I was failing miserably.
    Because of what I have learned spiritually, physically, emotionally and so much more….. I have a invite only facebook group called Song Of Solomon Women. I am amazed at how many of “us” there are out there. Thank you for letting us see your life and helping us be challenged to change.

    1. Aw, thanks. I just knew that a post about underwear would get someone’s attention 🙂 I’m glad God got your attention so you can strengthen your marriage. I’m hearing from quite a few women who have worked to make changes in their own marriages. Your Facebook group sounds wonderful–and what a great name!

  2. My husband was our “sexual gatekeeper”……..and here is why:
    My Marriage Testimony

    Let me start by saying, Mr. B and I were not raised in Christian homes. Neither one of us knew anything about the Bible or anything about marriage. If that was not enough, we had several other strikes against us…….

    Strike 1~Divorce was rampant in our families. We had some in our family that got new spouses like some get new cars!
    Strike 2~When we married, I was 16, Mr. B was 18
    Strike 3~ We were both the oldest children in our families, and since our parents were divorced and the dads out of the pictures, we were the Alphas of our homes.

    BUT……we had a determination we were going to break the divorce cycle!

    We both came to know the Lord 5 years into our marriage.
    We have served the Lord for 37 yrs. now. Even though a miracle had taken place in our lives, we had a lot of baggage to work thru and throw out. I thank God for Grace & Mercy, and for having the patience to help me realize my biblical role in our marriage.

    I thought I was a great “help-meet” thru all of those yrs.

    I never let him go out of the house not matching, I always checked his hair for him. I always directed him in the finances so we would do well. I told him even when he said things wrong while he was preaching(on the way home) so he wouldn’t look bad the next time. I always told him when the speed limit changed, so he wouldn’t get a ticket. I thought I was “helping” by telling him how he should pray, telling him how to do devotions, you name it and I probably told him “how to”. Anything I thought he did wrong I corrected him on. Because after all, I knew how things should be and was here to help him.

    I have always been a very high drive wife, married to what I thought was a low drive husband. I had many a let down over lack of sex in that many years. And there were times in prayer I asked the Lord to take this high drive away from me. But God knows best!

    THEN ~ in 2011 ~ I came to understand how to truly Respect & Submit. And realized, he did not need another mother, he needed a wife! He did not WANT to make love to his second momma…….I shake my head as I write this.

    NOW ~ that he has a wife that truly respects and submits, and I understands that he is a grown man that is capable of making mistakes and we both can live through them, that he makes right decisions without my help, that I was not as smart as I thought I was…….HE is a HIGH DRIVE Husband!!!!

    Our marriage is amazing now.

    Sure I continually find things that I need to work on about myself. But I have realized that to be in “control” is not my duty. The only thing I need to be in control of is Obeying the Lord, Respecting Mr. B, and Submitting to him as the head of our household & marriage.

    And you know what ~ we both smile a lot now!!! And I even have a new nickname that he calls me……..

    His Ravishing Ruby,
    Mrs. B

    I don’t mean for it to sound like “one, two, buckle my shoe” and all is well. It was not that simple. There were many years of pain in our family ~ it took and is still taking time to heal. But by the grace of God, we are doing it. One of the hardest things, but one of the most important things that helped me change our marriage was accountability. WHEN I told Mr. B what I had learned about myself and the changes I knew I needed to do…..well it was a WOW moment. He then “knew” and could “help” me when I slipped into old habits.
    I say all this to let you know, if any of you here are in the same boat ~ share with your husband! Even if it takes sharing my testimony, then admitting. I do not mind at all if you use my testimony as a starter step.

    ***This is very long, and a bit off this post’s topic. I wanted to share my testimony with you. You don’t have to post it here if you don’t want to. I just wanted you to know our story.***

      1. They did not come naturally for me either! Keep working at it. It seemed for me to get harder before it got easier. I think it will be something I always will have to be on guard with.

  3. O boy am I going to have to follow your blog! I have a lot of problems in the sexual dept, and really just don’t want anything to do with it. I have some pretty bras and undies but not for him at all, he has never seen me dress or undress. If anything having pretty underwear is just something different for me to put on. I always get dressed or undressed in our bathroom. I want to change (hence the reason I am on blogs like these) but there is a real big part of me that doesn’t. I know that doesn’t make sense, but its hard to explain.

    1. I’m glad you found the blog, M! There’s a lot about sexual habits and preferences that doesn’t make sense. One thing I’ve learned is that even while I’m still trying to figure out “why,” I need to try to take a step to act differently.

      Wanting to change is the first step. I’m going to suggest that you read a couple of my earlier posts: and They are both about trying to figure out what to change and then actually giving it a try. Let me know how you’d like me to pray for you as you figure out your next step.

  4. It is always SO funny how we do the same things! Me too w/the underwear in the past year!! I have a penchant for lace so I now have several pairs of lace undergarments. And some fun under-items. *grin* So my underthings say that the state of our marriage is HOT HOT HOT.

    Cindy B-What a great testimony! Thank you for sharing.

    M.-I used to never undress in front of my DH either. In the past year, I decided it was time to change and I have JUST gotten totally comfortable w/doing this in the past month or two. Just a little at a time.can make it happen.Try wearing your unders and a shirt that covers your panties out of the bathroom and then go into your bedroom to put on your pants or skirt. Tell your DH that you are trying to get comfortable doing this. Baby steps….you can do it! You have already made a heart change and you can make yourself continue. Don’t wait until you ‘feel’ like it, just do it and the ‘feeling like’ it will follow.

  5. God bless all of you women who are working on this. I can’t tell you how much you are blessing your husbands. It’s so good to hear that you’re on the road to much better, more satisfying, and God-glorifying marriages, rather than staying stuck in misery or deteriorating even further (as in my case) to a family-shattering divorce. Keep on.

  6. Agreed David. Chris, I find so many of your articles so encouraging in the way they point to how satisfying and exciting Christian marriage can be and am starting to see some progress in my own marriage. I pray this message will get out more and more. Thank you and God bless you.

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