Survey for the Guys

I started writing a post about duty sex (sex in which the wife just lies there, not really participating, wanting it to be over) and thought it might be helpful to understand the point of view of a husband who had been the recipient of duty sex. I talked with my husband about what it was like for him. I learned so much that I decided I’d like to learn from even more husbands. Big Guy has helped by taking the survey himself.

Guys, if your wife has provided you with non-participatory sex (aka, “duty sex”), please help me out by answering the questions in the survey linked below. I’ll use responses in my upcoming post.

Click here for survey.

Ladies, if you have ever given your husband duty sex, could you please send him the link?


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9 Comments on “Survey for the Guys”

  1. It could also be considered “duty sex” on the part of the wife when she is just going through the motions in other sexual activities (like oral sex) and it is obvious that her heart, so to speak, is not in her actions, and she just wants to get it over with. Sadly, there are wives who think that when they give their husband sex, it is like doing him a great favor.

    This really is a serious problem in some marriages. Both spouses need to be in the act with their minds and hearts, and not just their bodies. As well, there are husbands who neglect their wife’s needs for tenderness and warm emotional closeness during lovemaking.

  2. To ultimately describe “duty sex” as the WIFE just laying there isn’t fair. Husbands give duty sex, too. I know. I’m the wife of a husband who has.

    1. Since the survey is for husbands who have been recipients of duty sex, I thought it was fair to limit the definition to wives lying there and not participating.

      I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that as well.

  3. I’m a bit unsure about the definition of “duty sex”.
    If the wife does not desire nor enjoy the sex (and thus wants it be over) – and from that perspective is doing it out of duty – while she is not “just laying there” but rather is pretending to enjoy it and/or is somewhat active…

    …would that be included in “duty sex” as per your survey? If not, what would we call that?

    1. Hmm. Pity sex, maybe? What you describe isn’t exactly what I had in mind, but if this kind of sex feels “off” to you compared to times when she is fully into it, then I guess it counts.

  4. I wouldn’t want to use it for your survey, since it isn’t mine, but one of the most memorable descriptions for me, though brief, come from Betina Arndt’s “The Sex Diaries.” Apparently she knows a friend of a woman whose “conditions for sex with her husband [are] — ‘You can have fifty thrusts, but don’t jiggle my book.” Maybe it is more memorable because she uses this as the title of the first chapter of the book.

  5. One thing I thought of days after taking the survey was an analogy that sums up how unfulfilling duty sex is: It’s like a wife saying to her husband, “You know that ice cream parlor we went to when we were younger? They had the best Cookies and Cream ice cream. I could really go for some of that tonight.” And the husband replies “That place is like 30 minutes from here. We’ve got Oreos and milk. I’ll get you a plate and you can spend the next 30 minutes telling me how thankful you are to have someone who satisfies your every desire. I think that’s the better use of our time.”

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