How Does He Feel Most Loved?

Every Saturday night, we walk into our bedroom together. I take off my clothes and sit on the bed, legs folded and crossed in front of me. My husband leans over the bed and hands me what I need.

How does your husband feel most loved?

It happens once every single week, and it makes Big Guy feel more loved than anything else I do for him. I used to expect him to take care of it himself, but I started incorporating it into my life earlier this year. Continue reading

What’s In It for Me?

Sex should not be based on a male paradigm.

God designed sex to be for both husband and wife. He designed both of us to experience sexual desire and pleasure, and He designed sex to unite us in a way nothing else can.

Starting with your husband's needs can lead to the sex life God designed you to have.

Men and women have different sexual experiences. We don’t experience arousal in exactly the same way. Orgasm is different for us. We experience sex with bodies that function differently and brains that aren’t exactly the same. Continue reading

From Grievance to Gratitude

My Facebook feed is filled with people expressing thankfulness and gratitude in this month of Thanksgiving in the US. I’ve always been one to look for the silver lining in every cloud and encourage people to count their blessings. I haven’t been so good at having a thankful heart, though.

Do you have a list of grievances or a list of gratitude?

Continue reading

Do You Vote?

Last weekend I was in something of a funk. Our usual Friday night date night didn’t go as we’d planned (one of our kids was home and we ended up not having any one-on-one connecting time). As we went to bed, my husband put on his CPAP mask and rolled over to go to sleep.

Do you tell your husband what you need?

I lay there and thought about how date night was supposed to include sex, or at least some emotional connection—and neither one had happened. I was caught up in my own hurt, and it didn’t help when I heard the deep, even breathing of my sleeping husband.

Continue reading

Is Fantasy Okay in a Christian Marriage?

When I was a child, not only did I talk, think, and reason like a child, I also played like a child.

I played for hours. I had days-long Barbie adventures on my front porch. The other neighborhood girls and I took turns being rock stars and fans as we waited for the lightening bugs to come out. I had my Easy Bake oven and play kitchen, my dolls, and the chalkboard I used when I played teacher.

So much of childish play involves make-believe and pretend. We applied our emerging values and knowledge in made-up scenarios. We pretended to be different versions of ourselves, breaking character only for cookies and milk.

Make-believe is fun as a child—but what about when you’re grown up and married? Does make-believe have a place in the marriage bed?

Is it okay for Christians to role-play fantasies? Continue reading

A Change of Heart


It’s the last week in October. That means it’s time for the last CMBA_challenge_14installment of the Words of Wisdom blog challenge from the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association.

This last week asks us to write a post about words of wisdom and encouragement from books and blogs.

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After I came to the realization that my husband was suffering as a result of my approach to sexual intimacy, I began to work on my words and actions related to sex.

The real change, though, wasn’t in anything my husband could see. Continue reading

What If It Isn’t Getting Better?

What if your marriage hasn't improved, even after you've worked so hard on yourself?

Changing your approach to sexual intimacy can be hard work. Really hard work. The kind that leaves you feeling completely wrung out and worn down.

Many of us find that our marriages are transformed in amazing ways. We can feel like we are enjoying hard-earned rewards with husbands who are thankful for what we’ve done.

But what if your marriage doesn’t seem any better? What if your husband doesn’t seem thankful? What if he doesn’t even seem to notice that you’re doing anything differently? What if he seems even worse now that he doesn’t have to be nice to get sex? What if he is refusing you now? Continue reading

The Wisdom of Friends

CMBA_challenge_14The Christian Marriage Bloggers Association blog challenge this month is proving to be, well, a challenge for me. Two of our four weekly challenges ask us to write about words of wisdom and encouragement from people in our lives—one week from family, and this week from friends.

I have become acutely aware that I have not had people in my life who have spoken about marriage. Continue reading

Learning to Dance with Desire

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