What can you do when your needs are not being met?

In Lost in Translation, I wrote about a typical husband’s desire for his wife to be more passionate. I encouraged you to understand what your husband means and try to fulfill that. I suggested that you help your husband better see what you already are doing toward that end.

The other side to this is equally important—getting our needs met. Although I often write about a husband’s desires and perspective, in no way does that diminish you, your perspective, or your needs. Both spouses matter in marriage.

What can you do when you’re the one with a need that isn’t being met? Read More →

Is reading sexually explicit romance novels good for your marriage?

Imagine that you see your husband sitting on the couch, looking raptly at his computer screen. You ask him what he is watching, and he casually says—as if it’s no big deal—that he’s watching porn. He tries to explain why it’s a good thing: “It’s good for our marriage. Porn turns me on and then I want to have sex with you. I know these are just actors, so it’s not like I think it’s real. Besides, I deserve a little escape from all the stuff going on at work.”

You probably don’t sit back and think, Oh, well, I’ll just watch Dancing with the Stars while he sits there and watches his porn. Read More →

Are you and your husband speaking the same language when it comes to your sex life?

Sometimes Big Guy would say, “I want you to be more passionate. I want you to desire me.”

Huh? I can’t be something I’m not or make myself feel something I don’t.

I imagined how“passionate” would look; several images popped into my head. I pictured a woman who wanted sex all the time, just like my husband seemed to—and not only did she want it, she was aroused and ready to go at the very thought of sex. And she completely enjoyed sex, too. Unlike me, she had no stray thoughts pop into her head.

She was a tigress.

She most definitely was not me. Read More →

Can you learn to enjoy sex for you?

It’s taken me a long time to understand that sex is for me just as much as it is for my husband. Some days, I really get it, deep in my bones. Yet there are times when I still struggle with the idea.

When Belah Rose at Delight Your Marriage asked me to chat with her about how wives can learn to enjoy sex for themselves and not just for their husbands, I thought, Yikes, I have absolutely no idea what to say.

And it kind of turns out that I was right. Read More →

When old patterns arise, do a new thing.

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?” Isaiah 43:18-19

Living in a transformed marriage, my husband and I shouldn’t get weighed down by our habits of old, right?

Like many others who’ve turned their marriages around, we sometimes find ourselves living in old patterns. Read More →

 How can you find peace when you’ve made so many changes and your husband has barely budged?

When we work on the sexual intimacy in our marriages, it should be because we believe it is the right thing to do—not for the express purpose of getting our husbands to change. (Disclaimer: I say this as a woman whose initial attention to our sexual intimacy was to get my husband to change.)


It can be far easier to see our husbands’ faults than it is to see our own. You may have a mental list of things you would love for your husband to change. I certainly did! Read More →

Can a video game show us anything about how we grow in our marriages? The answer turns out to be yes!


I was playing a video game the other day, and I realized that my avatar’s energy level was getting low. Instead of forging ahead into the next quest, I moved slowly, avoiding dangers that might completely deplete me. I continued on my journey and took care of the absolutely essential things, but I was slow and careful so I could rebuild my strength. When I was back up to full strength, I was ready for next quest.

That has been happening in my real life lately, too. Read More →

Have long-time patterns carved ruts into your marriage bed?

The road to my parents’ cabin is six long miles of gravel, traveled mostly by heavy and speedy logging trucks.

The drive on that road seems to go on forever. Even if the logging trucks aren’t barreling toward us, we have to watch out for tall sharp rocks that can shred a tire. We can get so focused on being on guard against sharp rocks that we end up in the deep ruts in the road. We’ve never gotten stuck, but we have bottomed out the vehicle a few times.

The ruts are carved in by a combination of water flow patterns and the multiple-times-daily travel of logging trucks loaded down with the baggage of freshly harvest trees. Read More →

No matter what your first step is or how it goes, remember that God is always with you.

So far in this Making Sexual Changes series, I’ve talked about understanding how we got to the beginning of this journey of change and the process of beginning the journey. Today I’d like to wrap it up by talking about what you can actually do in those first steps.


You’ve prayed, you’ve found your courage, and you’re ready to take your first sexual step—but what should it be? Read More →

This is the second of a three-part series about how to begin to make changes in sexual intimacy in your marriage.


What matters is that you get into the water, not how you get there.

Some of us made the decision to change in an instant. A realization or conviction can be a lightning strike paradigm shift. Others of us had the decision creep up on us like thunder that rumbles far away long before you realize a storm is on its way. Not everyone embraces what the storm brings, either. While some of us stand with our hearts ready to accept the waves of change that will wash over us, others try to fight off those waves with an umbrella. Read More →

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