In the Raw

In the Raw

Marriage at a Crossroads

When I write about the difficult years of my marriage, I am mostly reflecting—looking back at how I recall the past, seeing through the lenses of the work I’ve done and the marriage I am in now. Continue reading

How Do You Eat an Elephant?


A recent conversation with a friend reminded me of how overwhelming it can be to face the need to work on sexual intimacy in our marriages.

When we are in a habit of withholding sex from our husbands—no matter why the habit began or whether we’ve even been aware of it—the challenge can be daunting. Continue reading

A Lot of Fuss


After being away from the workplace for eight months, I had meetings and a lunch today.

I have been nervous about this day, which is weird. I worked at this school for quite a few years and made many friends. I have been excited to see them again, and I’ve found comfort in donning the identity of teacher again. Continue reading

Pardon My Mess


Over the weekend, I got migrated over to a self-hosted version of the blog. Over the next few days, I will be playing with my new toys tools ministry options.

I’ve been playing with it a bit; unfortunately, the preview feature doesn’t always match the actuality. I’ve tried several different themes, and while I’m not completely set on this one, it has some features I really like. It’s just going to take me some time to work through my options, adjust photo sizes, trying different formatting options, and so on.

If you notice any problems (broken links or other weird stuff), please let me know. (I already know that my picture is distorted and that the title in the header got all stretched out.)

Thanks for bearing with me. It’s fun work, even though it’s messy.

Image courtesy of digitalart at

The Enemy of Marriage: When I Switched Sides


Four years ago, I was beginning to see that our marriage was not at all in a good place. My husband and I were having another argument about sex. There were so many arguments, with each of us on opposite sides. It’s your fault. No, it’s yours. You need to change. You’re the one who thinks it’s a problem so you need to change. Back and forth, we went, pitted against each other. Continue reading

The Enemy of Marriage: Pointing Fingers


It’s nice to have an enemy.

For Inigo Montoya in The Princess Bride, having an enemy gave his life so much purpose and focus that when he vanquished his enemy, he didn’t know what to do with himself: “I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it’s over, I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.”

When you see someone as the enemy, you can absolve yourself of any responsibility for problems between you. In a black-and-white approach to relationships, if you can allow yourself to think that a problem was caused entirely by the other person, you can continue living in the illusion of your own goodness and righteousness. Continue reading

The Enemy of Marriage: Sneaky Beginnings


The Enemy is a crafty one. He tempted Eve, twisting the truth and telling her lies. He wants to separate us from God.

He goes right for the core, seeking out our weak areas and offering temptations which will drive us away from God.

The one-flesh nature of marriage offers too great an opportunity for him to pass up. As intertwined as a husband and wife are, they are still two individuals. When Satan finds a way to drive a wedge into a marriage, he rejoices.
Continue reading

Refusal Is Like . . .


In A Moment of Hard Truth, I shared with you the moment when I realized what my sexual refusing and gate-keeping had done to my husband:

My husband’s anguish began to take shape in front of me. So many men wrote about how unloved they felt by the one person who they thought would love them the most. As I finally allowed myself to imagine how that would feel, I felt like my gut had been punched in. It was a moment of very hard truth.

This moment came when I had landed on the discussion forum at The Marriage Bed and began reading the collective voice of refused husbands. A reader recently suggested that I share specific posts from that site that influenced me, thinking that if they were so powerful that they affected me, they might also make a difference for other women. Continue reading

Do You Like Your Husband Too Much?


When Facebook came out with the Like button, I fell in love.

Interaction became so easy. I could scroll through my news feed, clicking here and there to indicate that I appreciated what someone said, acknowledge that I’d read it, and to serve as a shorthand for LOL on a funny video.

I have always said that the thing I love most about Facebook is the way I can connect with people from such different times in my life. I have noticed, though, that my personal Facebook use has recently involved a lot more Liking and sharing than it has actual connecting. Continue reading

Learning to Dance with Desire

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