A sexless marriage is defined as a marriage with ten or fewer sexual encounters during a year. If your wife has resisted sexual activity, has placed tight restrictions on how sexual activity can occur, or has outright refused to have a sexual relationship with you, know that you are not alone.
Please know . . .
- Your sex drive is not a perversion.
- Your pain is real.
- Your wife is wrong to control your sex life. Even when the resistance grows out of deep emotional or physical pain, she should be working to heal–for her own sake as well as for the sake of your marriage.
Is The Forgiven Wife for you?
This blog is for wives. The posts are written to minister to wives who have decided to work on improving the sexual intimacy in their marriages. I address women who are at varying places in the journey toward change, and you will see a variety of posts. I tend to encourage baby steps and the value of slow progress.
Many men have said that they’ve gained great insight into their wives from reading here. I do want to encourage you to be thoughtful about how you use what you read here.
- It is good to gain insight into how some wives think and feel. Between my posts and the comments, you may see glimpses of your wife. However, I am not your wife. You are not my husband. Your marriage is not my marriage. What has worked in my marriage may not be a good fit for your marriage. What has worked in the marriages represented in the comments may completely backfire in your marriage. Likewise, what hasn’t worked for the women here might be just the ticket in your marriage.
- If you find that what you read here adds to your discontent or pain, you shouldn’t be here.
- Use the insight you gain here to think about possible ways your wife might react to you pressing the issue. Anticipate her reactions, and prepare for how to respond–but remember that you know your wife best, and she may not be represented by anything you read here.
- This is a ministry for women. You are welcome to comment on posts. (See this page for guidelines.) However, there may be times when I don’t approve comments from men for various reasons–or I may hold on to a post for several days before approving it. Please be cautious about commenting on posts that address an area that is painful for you. The responses you get will likely represent a wife’s point of view. Sometimes this may add to your pain. Take care of yourself when you’re here.
- Although I do respond to emails from husbands, there is a limit on what I can and will do. Many times I will copy my husband on those emails. I am here to minister to women, not to men. My responses to emails will be written with my heart for wives. If you really need help figuring out how to push for a difference in your marriage, I am not the one you should be asking. Visit one of the resources below, where you can seek the advice of men.
Is this blog for you? No, but you’re welcome to visit and learn.
Suggestions for sharing posts with your wife
Many husbands have written to tell me that they have shared some Forgiven Wife blog posts with their wives, and then go on to say, “but it didn’t make any difference.”
I’m not surprised.
Prayerfully consider where your wife is on the road to a marriage with full and healed intimacy.
When your wife is ready to change, this may be a good place for her to be. If she isn’t ready to change, sending her links to my posts shouts, “You need to change. Here’s what you should be doing. Why can’t you be more like this woman?”
She will hear, “I’m a failure. There’s no way I can change. Will I ever be enough? Why does he keep pushing me? Leave me alone!”
If you’ve been experiencing sexual refusal or gate-keeping for years, I know you are anxious to see progress. Remember, though, that slow progress is still progress. Once your wife is willing to take those first steps, this can be a good place for her.
Until then, remember that you can change only yourself, pray for your wife’s Christian walk, get some support, and make yourself into the husband God calls you to be.
Some resources from this blog
- To help you understand your wife
- To help your wife know that she is not alone
- Understanding the roots of refusal and gate-keeping
- Helping your wife understand how you feel
- Thinking about problems in marriages
- How a transformed marriage can look
- Helping your wife rethink marriage and intimacy
- How changes in the sexual relationship support a journey of faith
- First steps
- What struggles will she face once she gets moving?
- Tips and techniques to consider one your wife is ready to step outside her comfort zone
If you are in a sexless or nearly sexless marriage, I strongly recommend that you visit The Marriage Bed. The main site introduces you to some resources–including the discussion forum area. Please join the forums and let the wonderful people there support as you work for change in your marriage.
Take a look at these sites as well:
- The Generous Husband
- Genuine Husband
- Sensuous Happy Hubby
- The Curmudgeonly Librarian
- Addressing the Sexless Marriage, Part 1
- Addressing the Sexless Marriage, Part 2
- Addressing the Sexless Marriage, Part 3
- Addressing the Sexless Marriage, Part 4
- Addressing the Sexless Marriage, Part 5
- Addressing the Sexless Marriage, Part 6
- Refused? A New Tool to Help, Part 1
- Refused? A New Tool to Help, Part 2
- “All You Think About Is Sex!”
- Are “Anti-Pearls” Hurting Your Relationship?
- Awaken Love
- Healing Sexual Hurt
Be sure to look at the many blogs that are part of the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association. Many of them are written by men, for men, and you may find some that meet your specific needs for support.
I will also be adding in some resources from places other than this blog over time. (If you would like to suggest a resource, please use the contact form on this page or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.)
Image courtesy of graur codrin/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Have a resource to suggest? Let me know!