Our sexual differences make us grow and become more in our marriages.

This is the second in a series of posts in which I discuss six points husbands have expressed about the lack of sexual intimacy in their marriages. I first discussed these points in this post several years ago. Please read the introduction to this series here for background and a list of caveats.

This post discusses the second point: Your husband’s sexuality is God’s design.


Chances are that you and your husband are not exactly alike in your sexuality. It is common in our culture to hear men’s sexuality disparaged: Why does he always want sex? Doesn’t he have any self-control? Or Why does he want us to do that [insert any sex act other than intercourse or position other than missionary]? He’s such a pervert.

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Sexuality is inherent to a man’s sense of self.

This is the first in a series of posts in which I discuss six points husbands have expressed about the lack of sexual intimacy in their marriages. I first discussed these points in this post several years ago. Please read the introduction to this series here for background and a list of caveats.

This post discusses the first point: Sexuality is inherent to a man’s sense of self.

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Believe and expect the best of your husband. Lust is not inevitable.

Could I just encourage you all to go read Sheila’s posts on men and lust this week on To Love, Honor, and Vacuum?

She takes an in-depth look at the idea that men are visually stimulated, that this visual stimulation leads to lust, and that all men continue to struggle with this. She also looks at how the modesty message in some churches relates to the messages about lust. Read More →

What drives his sex drive?

I used to think that for my husband, sex was physical. All he really wanted from it was an orgasm—and all he wanted me for was sex. Because I thought his sex drive was all orgasm-focused, I didn’t understand why he made such a big deal out of it if I didn’t want to have sex. I figured he could just go take care of it himself.

What I wanted most was for him to value me for me, not just for sex. Read More →

Are you a multiple-browser-tab woman married to a man with a one-track mind?

Like many men, my husband has a one-track mind.

That isn’t to say that he only thinks about one thing ever. It’s more that he only ever thinks of one thing at a time.

When he is thinking about what he wants to eat, that is what he is thinking about. When he sees an interesting article on his Facebook feed, he reads it right away and then is done. If he is thinking about sex, that is all he is thinking about (and trust me, that definitely has its benefits for me!). When he is on the computer, he has only one browser window open at a time, with only one tab. The same can be said for his mind.
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What can happen when you help heal your husband's heart?

In Lessons from a Wife’s Heart, I said I wanted to share three lessons for wives that arose from a series of posts addressed to men at The Curmudgeonly Librarian:

  • Conquer your complacency.
  • Deal with your feelings.
  • Care for your husband’s heart.

These were hard lessons for me to learn in my own journey to restored sexual intimacy—maybe because they are the three most important things I did.

Every one of these things was necessary in healing my own heart as well as my marriage. I’ve written about the first two lessons here and here.

I’ve put off writing about the last one, but a message sent to me today reminded me how critical this is.

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Should your sexual response be like your husband's?

Big Guy and I had a lot to learn about my sexual response. Part of the problem was that neither of us understood female sexual response in general.

Even before our marriage began its long season of disconnection, I thought something was wrong with me sexually. Had I understood that my sexual response was perfectly normal, I could have prevented a lot of difficulties in our marriage. Read More →

Acknowledging your husband’s feelings does not cancel out your feelings, nor does it cancel your right to have those feelings.

When I was in fifth grade, I was part of the playground safety patrol at school. Before school and during recess, I got to wear a white safety patrol belt and stand at the northwest corner of the school and go run to get a teacher if there were any fights or boo-boo’s. I stood at the intersection of the racing lanes, hopscotch, and the monkey bars.

Early in the school year, I was out during kindergarten recess. A little girl was standing, staring at the monkey bars while she decided if she was brave enough to join all the other girls she didn’t know. She was so focused on the monkey bars that she saw and heard nothing else.

Meanwhile, a little boy was running down the racing lane. As he crossed the finish line, he turned around to taunt his friend about having won their race. Read More →

What does it mean when your husband wants you to initiate sex?

A reader recently sent me the link to A Letter from a Husband to his Wife on Sexual Refusal and Reluctance and asked me what I thought.

The article provides a sexually neglected husband’s point of view and discusses his frustration, the humiliation he feels, the temptation and jealousy he faces, his yearning to be desired, and his desire for his wife to allow him to be captivated by her body. Read More →

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