Although most of my blog posts are about changes you can make to make your marriage better (and sex easier), at times, our husbands have directly contributed to our struggles with sex.
We can—and should—work on ourselves. We should pursue our own healing and spiritual growth for our own sake. While this may change the dynamic in marriage enough to bring about positive changes, when our husbands are part of the problem, our own efforts can do only so much.
In my previous post, I wrote about how a husband’s ongoing and unrepentant sin can be a barrier to a wife’s interest in working on sex. Ultimately, the best thing to do there is to seek help, either from a professional counselor or a pastor.
This post is about a husband’s selfishness. I want to write about this in its own post (for reasons I’ll explain in a bit), but selfishness could easily be included in the previous post about a husband’s sin.
The Bible clearly tells us not to be selfish.
A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed. Proverbs 11:25
The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these. Mark 12:31
Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up. Romans 15:2
No one should seek their own good, but the good of others. 1 Corinthians 10:24
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16
Selfishness is sinful.
Selfish in Word and Deed
Wives have shared with me some of the selfishness they see in their husbands:
- Speaking or acting in ways that are thoughtless and hurtful (even when the intention is not to hurt their wives).
- Deciding that sex is over when he has his orgasm, regardless of whether she wants to continue.
- Helping around the house only when he wants to have sex.
- Refusing to use manual or oral stimulation to help his wife have an orgasm.
- Planning outings with his buddies without talking with his wife or thinking about whether she could use some time away.
- Insisting that the house is decorated in the way that he likes, regardless of what feels like home to her.
- Initiating sex without considering whether there is sufficient time for his wife to enjoy sex, too.
- Telling her that her tiredness is just an excuse not to have sex, even though she was up most of the night before with a sick child.
To be fair, we all speak or act in selfish ways from time to time. A husband who does these things on occasion should be given some grace, just as we could use grace when we are selfish on occasion.
The problem comes when these things are part of an ongoing pattern. When selfishness is a husband’s usual approach, it can make it very difficult for her to feel loved and safe in a way that invites her to vulnerability and intimacy.
When I look at that list, I see of lot of selfishness going on. However, I also see some possibilities that might not be entirely about sin—and that’s why I wanted to write about this in its own post.
How we respond to a husband’s selfishness may depend on whether his actions stem from a sinfully selfish heart or from something else altogether.
What Else Might Be Going On?
Selfish words and actions sometimes are about something beyond a sinful heart.
Let’s take a look at some possibilities.
- He is on the autism spectrum. Some neuroatypical individuals have a strong need for a reliable order or routine, don’t pick up on social cues, or have difficulty communicating their needs and desires.
- He has a mental illness. Untreated depression can make it hard for a husband to see past his own mental fog to recognize his wife’s sexual interest in him. (The links at the bottom of this post can help you understand how depression affects marriages.) A condition like obsessive-compulsive disorder can make it hard for someone to put his fingers or mouth in a place that has germs.
- He is responding from his own hurt. Just as we sometimes build emotional walls when we have been hurt, our husbands do as well. If he has experienced emotional hurt as a result of our sexual relationship with him, he may make comments about sex that reflect his frustration and feelings of betrayal.
- He has learned the lessons we’ve taught him. If our approach to sex has been “let’s get this over with,” we have trained him to be quick with sex and to leave us alone as soon as he is done.
- He is clueless. He just may not understand your sexual response. He may not realize that you require time and clitoral stimulation to experience an orgasm. He may not know that you need connection outside the bedroom in order to be open to connection inside the bedroom. He may not realize that you need a break from the house or the kids.
From medical issues to his own baggage to his own hurt to a lack of knowledge, there’s a lot that can lead to a husband’s selfish actions. His selfishness is still wrong, but it may not as much about sin as it appears to be.
How Can You Respond?
If your husband’s selfishness is one of the reasons you are not interested in sex with him, one step you can take is to try to understand what is going on.
If his selfishness is really about a sinful self-centeredness, then seek assistance from a pastor or counselor.
However, if you think his words and actions are a reflection of a condition, his own hurt, lessons he’s learned from the way we’ve treated him, or a lack of knowledge, you might take some other steps.
First, let’s take a look at some general things you can do regardless of what non-sinful reason might be behind his selfish words and actions.
- Be clear about what you would like to see change.
“I need to know that my whole self matters to you, not just my sexual parts. When you engage me in conversation only when you are interested in sex, it’s hard to believe in my heart that I matter to you. Would you be willing to sit down with me to connect in conversation several times a week? It would really help me.”
“I want to enjoy sex with you. When you initiate sex when we have a limited amount of time or energy, it seems that our sex life is only for you and not for me, too. I don’t mind quickies sometimes, but I’d like to be sure that isn’t all we are doing.”
“I’ve been reading about what God wants for us in our sex lives. Do you think we could talk about that sometime?”
- Forgive him. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse him from addressing his words and actions that hurt you, but it can ease the hurt in your own heart.
- Acknowledge and thank him for any effort he makes to address what you’ve brought to his attention. Let him know that you see and appreciate the fact that he is trying to make changes.
- Pray for wisdom and to have compassion for your husband.
I’d also like to offer some suggestions specific to some of the reasons that might be behind his selfishness.
If your husband has a disorder, condition, or illness . . .
- Learn as much as you can about his condition. Understanding why he is the way he is may give you a helpful perspective. If you’ve been taking his actions personally, you may realize that they have nothing to do with you. If you’ve been harboring bitterness in your own heart, knowledge may help you release that. You may find some good resources on how to be supportive and make it easier for him to function well.
- Get help from a doctor who specializes in the condition. Whether or not his condition can be treated, a doctor may be able to give you both some tools to be able to function more easily and communicate with each other.
- Seek support for yourself. You may find online communities of others married to people with your husband’s condition. Their understanding, advice, and encouragement can make a big difference for you.
If your husband’s selfishness stems from his own hurt . . .
- Ask for his forgiveness. If your husband has been hurt by your own avoidance of sex or by another past sin, apologize. Let him see your repentance. Tell him what you are doing to try to live differently or change your heart. Ask him to forgive you.
- Continue to live in the way you now know you should. It may take time for him to learn to trust in your changes, but if you understand that his words and actions come from his own hurt, it becomes easier for you to extend him some grace.
If your husband is acting from a lack of knowledge, whether it is because of something we taught him or that he is clueless, . . .
- Tell him what you need and desire. If you don’t tell him what you want, he will not know—especially if what you want now is dramatically different from what you wanted in the past. You may need to have multiple conversations about this.
- Invite him to go through a study with you about sexual intimacy, or perhaps read some blog posts or listen to podcast episodes together. Help him learn about female sexual response and what God wants for us in our marriages.
If your husband is speaking or acting selfishly with you, that isn’t okay. Speak with him about what you see going on, enlisting help from a pastor or counselor if necessary.
And if your husband is generally a good-willed guy whose selfish words and actions are not just about his sinful heart, have hope.
You just might be able to respond in ways that lead to change and growth.
Image credit | eluela31 at pixabay.com
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Selfishness is a problem in our marriage. Many times our sexual encounters are very rushed. I am left frustrated while he rolls over and goes to sleep. No cuddles, no talking, nothing. I have talked with him about this, but nothing I say or do seems to help. He says he doesn’t want me to self pleasure, but I think I would go crazy if I were to wait for him to prioritize my orgasm. Thanks for the post. I continue to pray for our marriage bed to improve.
If he doesn’t want you to pleasure yourself, he needs to take care of it. You might say to him (sometime when you aren’t in the middle of sex), “My sexual pleasure matters, too. I need for us to take more time for me, at least some of the time. If you finish and I still haven’t, which would you prefer–that I remind you to take care of me, or that I take care of it myself while lying next to you?” Also, it might be helpful to understand why he doesn’t want you to take care of it yourself. If he is concerned about what you might be thinking about, you could describe to him a scenario that involves him that you plan to have in mind.
His needing to be reminded is both selfish and childish. And, her pleasure should be as important MOST times, not just some of the time.
I would say that in some situations his need of a reminder is selfish and childish, but not in all. It often takes multiple conversations for spouses to fully understand, and when we are having sex, our brain functions may be somewhat reduced. A man who is not generally good-willed or who just refuses to pay attention, though? Yeah, that’s a problem. If a man tends to be selfish in other areas, then I would say this need is selfish, too. If this kind of thing shows up mostly in the bedroom, it might not be so much about that.
Thanks Chris for time and thought you put into each of your posts.
I have a question.
My husband complains because I don’t dress sensual enough often enough.
In the past he was involved in pornography. He stopped several years ago but wants me to be his source of visual stimulation. I try to accommodate him some times but it’s hard to know how to have a balance. Giving him what he wants without disregarding my own personal feelings.
It really is great that your husband wants you to the only woman in his mind’s eye. Do you know what he means by dressing more sensually? You might be able to work together to find some elements of sensual dressing that you can both agree on. Also, when you are in your own home and won’t be interrupted, wear the things you know he likes to see. When you go out, then your own sense of comfort should be more of a guide. Even then, though, you can do some things to level up the sexiness a bit. For instance, wear red lipstick or extra dangly earrings, wear silky undergarments that only you and your husband know about, or wear your usual style but in brighter colors. These kinds of things might be a way of giving him what he wants while still honoring what matters to you.
My husband has not been selfish in the bedroom in many years and I think, even then, it was lack of knowledge or awareness. His “selfishness” lands more in other areas–prioritizing of tasks that I cannot do and request that he will do. His answer is almost always, “I’ll take care of it” but it rarely gets taken care of or if it does, it is so long after the initial request that I’m aggravated at waiting for weeks or months, rather than being grateful the task was done at all. I’ve tried making lists but after weeks of the list being on the fridge, I take it down rather than look at it and face that nothing I have asked has been done–it leaves me feeling unimportant and very low on his priority list. (We’ve even made lists together according to the time or funds needed for each.) Sometimes I don’t ask at all anymore. Other times I ask with a deadline “could this be fixed by New Year’s?” or when guests are coming, etc. He always agrees. I may remind him, but that doesn’t help. One “problem” is that he has a skill set that means he can do so much. I am a high-drive wife, but this is affecting my desire for him.
I can relate to this all too well. For women, sexual desire can be greatly impacted by the dynamics of the relationship. With a generally good-willed husband, it may take little more than simply saying, “When you prioritize other tasks over the ones I need you to do, I feel like a low priority to you.” If he needs a bit of help getting into the habit of prioritizing you, he could try setting a daily or weekly alarm on his phone that reminds him to check to see what tasks you need him to do. Eventually it should become a habit, but sometimes we need help forming that habit and that might help.