Some time ago I wrote a post filled with advice for dealing with vulvovaginal atrophy related to menopause.
My sexual health specialist came to speak with my church women’s group in the spring, and she offered one other piece of advice that I’ve been wanting to pass along to you.
Perfectly Pink and Plump
My doctor began by telling us about examining a woman in her 50s. For most women, menopause creates genital changes. The vulva (external genitals) thins out and the skin becomes more fragile and darker. The vagina (internal genitals) loses some of its natural lubrication ability, and the rugae (the accordion-like folds inside) flatten out and make the vagina less elastic. Our sexual response can become more finicky, making it unpleasurable or even uncomfortable or painful.
The woman my doctor examined was definitely post-menopausal; she hadn’t had a period in three years. When my doctor examined her, however, she was surprised to find genitals that looked like those of a woman in her 30s. Her vulva was plump and pink with good circulation. Lubrication was no problem, and her rugae were still quite pronounced. The woman reported that her sexual response was still good and that she was still experiencing orgasms easily.
My doctor asked her patient how this was possible after menopause. The answer? “My husband and I have sex three times a day most days.” The woman had been having lots of sex for years.
Frequent sexual activity keeps bringing blood flow to our genital tissue, which can help to combat atrophy.
Unless we’re having a lot of sex, we can end up in a vicious cycle. We don’t have enough sexual activity, so we experience more vaginal dryness and difficulty with sexual response. The dryness and uncooperative response make it difficult for our bodies to have sex—which means that we are having even less sexual activity and more dryness—and so on and so on and so on.
It’s an intimate example of the phrase, “Use it or lose it.”
The One Tip
For most of us, it just isn’t practical to have sex multiple times a day every day.
So here is the one tip from my doctor:
Experience a “daily arousal event.”
Every day that you aren’t having sex, stimulate your genitals for 20-30 minutes. That’s it. My doctor said that one easy way to do this is to put a vibrator (affiliate link) between your legs while you’re watching a TV show. You could also self-stimulate or recruit your husband to do it for you.
The purpose is not to be sexually aroused enough to pursue sexy time (although that certainly is a possibility). The point of daily arousal is to ensure that your genitals experience an increase in blood flow every day.
Does It Work?
Obviously, your mileage may vary. This may work wonderfully for you, or it may not help at all. I have found that it helps somewhat, especially when it comes to sexual response. When I go for a stretch without experiencing daily arousal, I find that my sexual responsiveness become uncooperative again.
Until my husband and I figure out how to manage to have sex three times a day most days, I’m glad to have something simple that helps.
So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun. Ecclesiastes 8:15
Help me!
I often hear from wives who struggle with chronic pain, and I’m asking for your help.
If you experience chronic pain or another chronic illness, will you please help me learn how this affects the sexual intimacy in your marriage?
I have a survey with open-ended questions. It is set up so you can pause when you need to so you can rest and reflect; you can return to the survey again later.
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it’s great if that works for you, but my husband and I have had lots (2-3 times a day or more earlier in our marriage) of sex in our marriage, but I still have a body that has grown “old” at 61 though otherwise I’m in great shape and very active (5’5″ 107lbs 4-6 hours of physical activity per day). I wish I knew the answer.
As I said, there are no guarantees that this will help, but I wanted to put it out there just in case it makes a difference for someone. I wish I knew an answer that would work for us all, too.
I enjoy this blog and listen to the podcast. My wife and I have a blessed marrriage, physically, emotionally and spirituallly. But, I have to say I am surprised we are here speaking about sex three times a day. Is that a typo and do you mean three times a week? Thanks for letting me share.
Nope, not a typo.
Thank you for this information Chris. This does help explain in the decline of sexual frequency in our marriage. For the first 30 years of our marriage, we averaged 3 times a month. For the past 5+ years, it happens once every 3 weeks. With her chronic pain, I feel fortunate that we do have some sex.
That sounds great. But my husband an I hardly have sex anymore due to my pain. it just is impossible. It is hurting so much,, that I always cry during and after it. This is not so encouraging for my husband. Sex always has been painful for me. No doctor is open for this subject. I was already 50, when I married and my husband is the one and only man in my life. Being defloured at my age – my hymen obviously is not completely destroyed, a therapist, which we contacted in our first years and being a doctor herself told me not do have it cut since there would be scars even more painful. Now, being almost 60 things are not getting better. How can you have a lot of sex, then it hurst that much! Due to all the pain I never had an orgasm in all my life. I would so much like to make my husband, who is very understanding, happy also in this area. Not to have a crying wife beside him in bed. We are very desperate. Nobody wants to/can help. So, congratulation to this active sex life. I would be happy to have sex once a month without pain and being able to enjoy it. Even at my age, finally.
I’m so sorry for your pain. A good vulvodynia specialist may be able to help, or perhaps a pelvic floor therapist. In the meantime, stop having intercourse–but work on spending time with each other sexually. The anticipation of pain probably makes it feel even worse than it would already, and non-intercourse sexual connection might help to rebuild some positive expectations. You might find the links at the end of this post helpful.