How do you deal with trespasses in your marriage?

Big Guy and I recently traveled to a planning retreat for the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association. (Thank you, Tom and Debi, for welcoming us into your home and provide such thoughtful hospitality!)

We drove from Wisconsin to North Carolina so we could enjoy the beautiful scenery and have some time to ourselves. As a woman who grew up in the Midwest and still lives there, I’ve found great beauty in the flat landscape—but I was still excited that I would see mountains. Read More →

Being sexually alive is exhilarating.

In one of my earliest posts here, I wrote this:

I began to read about the great joy that comes with a good sex life. I was seeing models of what could be, and I began to want some of that. Instead of trying to make changes because what I’d been doing wasn’t working, I began to make changes because I wanted some of the joy that people were describing.

This is the reason for my blog’s tag line: Learning to Dance with Desire.

It’s a dance that began in childhood. Read More →

Take three steps toward sexual generosity and adventure in 2016.

When you’re working on becoming more sexually generous and adventurous after a long time of resisting sex, your husband might be just a little excited.

Your heart might be wanting to make a total transformation. You may even think about all the things you’ll feel comfortable doing in, say, five years.

You may think about the words, “Honey, whatever you want to do that isn’t sinful, I will be happy to do with you.” But the instant you try to actually say those words, you realize that you are giving your husband a blank check to pull you outside your comfort zone. Read More →

How do you respond when your husband asks you for something new?

I tried a recipe this weekend for a dish that Big Guy and I have eaten at various events but I’d never made. It turned out great, and Big Guy and I both enjoyed eating it.

Imagine my surprise yesterday afternoon when Big Guy turned to me and said, “I found another recipe you could use next time” and proceeded to tell me the other recipe he had found. Read More →

We were in a rut. We’d been married twenty years, and we hadn’t tried anything new sexually since our earliest years together. We had two basic positions and only two activities in our bedroom repertoire. I had one revealing nightgown that I’d toss on for special occasions, and maybe one or twice a year, we might venture outside the bedroom. We had one prop, a small vibrator from the drugstore.

Sounds fun, right? Actually, even really routine sex can still be fun. When I actually showed up for the event, I usually managed to enjoy myself, and so did my husband. There wasn’t anything wrong with what was pretty vanilla sex.

One of the outcomes of my sexual recovery journey was that we not only got better at plain old sex, we also started to have fun with more adventurous stuff. When my husband finally began to feel sexually safe with me (his basic emotional need for quantity and quality were being met), he finally allowed himself to desire other activities–and be able to share those desires with me, knowng that I wouldn’t reject him.

Nearly two years into our marriage bed changes, my husband finally asked me to consider an act that had always been on my “no way, buster” list. Instead of saying no, I began to research and learn about this activity until it was something that felt doable to me. The moment we finally engaged in that act was incredibly intimate. Not only was it something new we were sharing, it represented a huge milestone of sexual safety in our marriage.

We have begun trying a few other things, too. In fact, this year we’ve done four completely new-to-us things. As our trust in each other has grown, we have been able to expand our sexual comfort zones. I have accumulated several pieces of lingerie, and we have a nice variety of props now. And we have fun together!

There is nothing wrong with vanilla sex, but if that’s all you ever do, you’ll be missing out on so many more flavors available that can make you go “wow.”

Vanilla is perfectly reasonable flavor–but there’s nothing wrong with chocolate syrup and some sprinkles now and then.