We were in a rut. We’d been married twenty years, and we hadn’t tried anything new sexually since our earliest years together. We had two basic positions and only two activities in our bedroom repertoire. I had one revealing nightgown that I’d toss on for special occasions, and maybe one or twice a year, we might venture outside the bedroom. We had one prop, a small vibrator from the drugstore.
Sounds fun, right? Actually, even really routine sex can still be fun. When I actually showed up for the event, I usually managed to enjoy myself, and so did my husband. There wasn’t anything wrong with what was pretty vanilla sex.
One of the outcomes of my sexual recovery journey was that we not only got better at plain old sex, we also started to have fun with more adventurous stuff. When my husband finally began to feel sexually safe with me (his basic emotional need for quantity and quality were being met), he finally allowed himself to desire other activities–and be able to share those desires with me, knowng that I wouldn’t reject him.
Nearly two years into our marriage bed changes, my husband finally asked me to consider an act that had always been on my “no way, buster” list. Instead of saying no, I began to research and learn about this activity until it was something that felt doable to me. The moment we finally engaged in that act was incredibly intimate. Not only was it something new we were sharing, it represented a huge milestone of sexual safety in our marriage.
We have begun trying a few other things, too. In fact, this year we’ve done four completely new-to-us things. As our trust in each other has grown, we have been able to expand our sexual comfort zones. I have accumulated several pieces of lingerie, and we have a nice variety of props now. And we have fun together!
There is nothing wrong with vanilla sex, but if that’s all you ever do, you’ll be missing out on so many more flavors available that can make you go “wow.”
Vanilla is perfectly reasonable flavor–but there’s nothing wrong with chocolate syrup and some sprinkles now and then.