When you’re working on becoming more sexually generous and adventurous after a long time of resisting sex, your husband might be just a little excited.
Your heart might be wanting to make a total transformation. You may even think about all the things you’ll feel comfortable doing in, say, five years.
You may think about the words, “Honey, whatever you want to do that isn’t sinful, I will be happy to do with you.” But the instant you try to actually say those words, you realize that you are giving your husband a blank check to pull you outside your comfort zone.
How many of us have held back on things like different positions, oral sex, or lingerie because we think, “If I do this now, pretty soon he’ll be wanting something even more extreme?”
Even when your heart wants to be generous, the idea of giving your husband a blank check might be just a bit overwhelming. If you aren’t ready to take that giant leap, you can always try small steps. Specifically, I’m going to suggest that you take three steps.
Here’s the idea:
In just a few days, we will begin a new year. Sometime this week, ask your husband to make a list of five sexual things he would like to do with you during the next year.
Then make your man a promise:
You will do three of those five things in 2016.
You can even give him target dates for when you will accomplish these three things. You could spread them out evenly throughout the year, promise them all before September, or maybe aim for special days such as his birthday, your anniversary, and Christmas. Give him an idea of when to expect these things so he can anticipate them.
Look at the list and think about which three you want to promise for the coming year. Ask your husband if he wants to know what you’ve chosen or if he wants to be surprised.
And then, get ready to learn and grow!
Use these guidelines to help you make the most of your three out of five.
- Set a personal deadline of a month before the target dates. If you get close to the date and haven’t fulfilled your promise, your husband might begin to wonder if you’ll follow through. That does not help the intimacy in your marriage, but an early follow-through will be a boost.
- Consider early on what will be necessary to follow through. If you will need to do some reading and learning, get started on that in January to give you time to really think about how you’ll proceed. You could start with the thing that seems most do-able to help you build some momentum and confidence. Or, you could begin with the thing that you expect to be hardest so everything seems easier in comparison.
- If your promised activities require you to do some preparation, let your husband see what you’re doing. If you are sewing costumes to play Captain Kirk and the green dancing woman from Star Trek, let him help you with a costume fitting. If he wants to have sex in the outdoors with you, spend time with him online searching for a place that is sufficiently secluded. Seeing you take the necessary steps to fulfilling your promise will build anticipation, intimacy, and trust.
- Initiate the activities. If your husband has to ask for them, he is risking feeling rejection since he knows they are activities outside your comfort zone. So when you’re ready, you let him know. Tell him that when he’s ready to ask for a specific activity, you’re ready to say yes. Send him a text during the day that says “Promise #1 is tonight!” Lead the action when you’re getting sexy some time. If your activity involves special clothing, leave them lying out on the bed for your husband to see when he comes home.
- Consider coming up with a list of five relational things you would like to do with your husband, whether or not those are sexual things. Maybe he’ll ask you for such a list. Even if he doesn’t ask, you will benefit from having put into words what you want. It isn’t always easy for women to think of our own needs and desires as important. Making a list will help you know what you want.
You can find ideas on how to get comfortable with some new-to-you activities on my Spicy Extras page.
So how about it? Can you offer your husband three out of five for 2016?