I always try to think about making some kind of point when I write here. If I’m not babbling with a purpose, after all, I’m just babbling.
This post has no point. It’s really an addendum to “The Joy of Earbuds,” where I shared a sex-related text message I sent to my husband that was intercepted by our son.
I have two other stories about our sex life and our teens that I’d like to share, just because I think they’re really funny. I’m not even attempting to make a point in this post.
I shared this in the comment section of Hot, Holy, & Humorous’s “Yes, Kid, Your Mommy and Daddy Have Sex.”
Several months ago, two of my young adult kids were at work and another was at a friend’s house. I texted that one to ask when he would be home. We wanted to take advantage of the fact that we were home alone and didn’t want to risk being interrupted or having our son embarrassed by our antics.
Here is our texting conversation:
Me: When will you be home?
Me: Dad and I are trying to make plans.
Him: What kind of plans (thinking the plans might involve pizza)?
Me: Grown-up plans.
Him: That is so gross.
Him: So how much time do you need for that anyway?
Me: I’ll text you when we’re done.
I thought that was pretty funny in itself. What really cracked me up was when he came home later and wanted to talk about our texting conversation.
Him: Okay, Mom. We have to talk about that whole text thing. Why did you have to tell me that?
Me: I didn’t want you to be embarrassed if you came home and we were busy.
Him: It isn’t like I haven’t heard you before. All you had to do was close your door….
A look of sheer horror came over his face. I thought he was going to pass out.
Him: Oh, man, you guys were doing it somewhere else in the house, weren’t you?
He ran off, apologizing for having started the conversation. We’d been in the bedroom the whole time, but it doesn’t hurt him to wonder, does it?
My husband tries to make everything into a sexual innuendo. He waggles his eyebrows and puts the emphasis on the right words:
If I say, “I’d like to change the channel,” he’ll say, “I’d like to change your channel.” If I say, “Could you please turn on the light,” he’ll say, “I’d like to turn on your light.” Sometimes, the innuendo is actually sexual or funny. He doesn’t even think about what he’s saying; sometimes, as soon as the words come out his mouth he’ll point out that it wasn’t a good one. On occasion, the innuendo is pretty crude, simply because he isn’t thinking.
One day, he and our son (same son—hmm, I wonder why all these stories involve the same son—maybe the other kids work harder to avoid the subject?) were in the living room. I needed to communicate some information to both of them, so I began to say, “Guys, FYI….” And my husband, in the mood to make an innuendo, said, “I’d like to F your Y…” He immediately began to acknowledge and apologize for his unintentional crudeness, but our son reacted.
As soon he absorbed his dad’s words, my son popped his head up—kind of like in a nature video of a prairie dog. One minute you don’t see it, and the next minute it’s standing straight up at full alert. My son lifted his head just like a prairie dog. Without even thinking, he looked his dad straight in the eyes and said, “Dude, that’s my mom! Don’t talk about her like that.”
It was actually a very sweet moment. This son has a very protective streak, and I hadn’t seen it surrounding me in years. I was touched. My husband and I were laughing at that point, partly at our son’s unexpected protective reaction and partly at the fact that we had, once again, embarrassed a kid by daring to imply that we have a sexual relationship.
After our son left, my husband said, “I know that what I said was pretty crude, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. What do you think?”
Okay, so there’s no point to this blog post. But there was definitely a very happy ending.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net