As I’ve written here before, I am called to use this space to encourage wives. Since I started this blog, though, I’ve received many comments and emails from husbands who are refused. My blog posts over the past few days seem to have triggered something in men, because I’ve gotten several sad emails—the kinds where the heartache just oozes through the screen.
I’ve thought about writing occasional posts addressed to husbands, but that just doesn’t feel right yet. Still, I wondered what it would be like to include a male voice here—someone who truly understands what it was like to be in my husband’s position. Who better than my husband, aka, Big Guy?
My husband has better things to do with his time, so you may be wondering why he agreed to answer these questions for me. There are two really good reasons. First, he loves me a lot and supports my ministry here. Second, I promised him oral sex as a thank-you gift.
So, I emailed him some questions, and he answered. (I have a few extra comments in italics.)
FW: What were some of the most difficult aspects of being sexually refused? (Yes, I’m asking you how it made you feel. You know me and feelings, after all.)
BG: I guess the first thing is, I didn’t feel “sexually refused” as in I didn’t feel you were purposefully refusing sex. I felt that we had two different sex drives and I was frustrated but I was hoping that you would eventually agree to a regular schedule as a compromise.
I wasn’t purposefully refusing sex, but my drive was higher than I let either of us believe. I just couldn’t get past some relationship issues.
FW: Describe one of the refusal episodes that stands out as particularly painful. (Don’t spare me my feelings. We can make it up to each other later.)
BG: No single episode particularly stands out. However, I can remember often feeling like I had to “get lucky” with my wife. I also remember feeling frustrated that often you had to have a fight with me to feel emotionally connected enough to have sex with me and that frustrated me.
You said this a lot—”get lucky.” I didn’t get why that was an issue then. I do now. I was also frustrated that a fight was what it took to make an emotional connection. It would have been so much easier on both of us to figure out a way to make that connection without the anger and frustration, yelling and tears. We have it figured out now, though. J
FW: How did you cope with your sexual desire? For instance, some men turn to masturbation, exercise, or more Bible study.
BG: I didn’t masturbate and my exercise has never really been for tension release of any kind. It wasn’t Bible study, but there were times that I would pray that our sex desire would sync up.
FW: Uh, Big Guy, you’ve told me that you did masturbate sometimes. So which is it?
BG: Sometimes, but not regularly and it wasn’t necessarily in response to you. I guess it was sometimes while I was unemployed and bored and horny. That is an important combination to consider. I had time on my hands, the house to myself and the reason to justify giving into temptation.
FW: How did your wife’s refusal affect your relationship with God?
BG: Again, I never saw you as “refusing” me. Refusing assumes you were consciously making a decision to deny me and I never felt you were purposefully denying me as much as just not as interested as I was.
I look back and see other issues in our marriage and how the sexual relationship reflected some of those other things. Our sexual relationship affected my relationship with God.
FW: When did you first suspect things might be starting to change?
BG: When you began to be more frisky and initiate sex more often on your own.
“Frisky”? Isn’t that what Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham used to call it on Happy Days? Cute, honey.
FW: At what point did you realize that your sexual relationship was truly different than it had been?
BG: When you began to want sex more often and agree to it.
FW: How were you able to truly forgive your wife for restricting your sexual life for so long?
BG: I never had any reason to forgive you for anything since the only problem I saw was a differing of sex drives.
I don’t remember you seeing it this way. But one of the things I love about you is that the past is the past. You don’t let it drag you down like I do.
FW: What would you like to say to wives who sexually refuse their husbands?
BG: If they are truly refusing their husbands, then I would tell them to speak with their pastor or religious counselor and do Bible study as well as join a group like The Marriage Bed to learn more about a Christ centered marriage. Both from the wife’s and the husband’s responsibility. As an interesting side note, conjugal relations were a requirement of Jewish men in marriage and one of the few reasons a Jewish woman could divorce her husband was she was not sexually satisfied. Meaning, Jewish law assumed that women would participate in and enjoy sexual relations with their husbands.
I kind of glossed over that for years.
FW: Can you share any words of encouragement with husbands who are sexually refused?
BG: If they are in a Christian relationship, I would encourage them to ask their wives to participate in a Christian couples retreat like I wanted to go on with you several times. I would also encourage them to continue to love their wives and remember what drew them together in the first place. If their relationship is purely physical, then they need to reevaluate the purpose of their marriage.
You did a good job of continuing to love me, even when I was hard to love. I’d like to go to a Christian couples retreat with you now. We could spend lots of time in our room doing our “homework.”
FW: What else would you like to say about sexual refusal?
BG: Remember that a different place in your sexual needs may not necessarily mean your wife or husband is refusing you sex. Do not allow your frustration to replace your love. At one point you swore before God, family and friends that you would spend the rest of your lives together. There was a reason you did that. Hopefully it was more than a premarital physical relation that took you to the altar.
Sweetie, my sexual needs were so intertwined with my emotional needs that I’m not sure either one of us had an accurate picture of what my sexual needs were. But that is a good point—don’t assume it is intentional refusal just because you aren’t in sync. Understanding what I do now, though, I would say that even if it really had been a lower drive on my part, the right thing to do would have been to do as you suggested many times, using my hands or mouth on you. Or just enjoying being with you even if I wasn’t feeling particularly sexual.
FW: What are you doing later tonight?
BG: Getting a blowjob to completion by the best wife in the whole wide world?
Why yes, yes you are!
And Big Guy ended his email to me with this:
I deeply, passionately and ardently love you. You are a completely beautiful woman whom I have always been lucky to have as my girlfriend, fiance and wife.
So, folks, I have a promise to go keep. Don’t wait up for me. 😉
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Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
Really?? He would rather get a blowjob to completion rather than finish with his wife?? Huh…
And to wives that refuse or simply don’t try to be sexual with your husbands or just see your husbands as sexual animals…get your sexy on and start enjoying sex ladies!
God intended sex to be mutually satisfying and IF perhaps you aren’t being satisfied and that is part of the reason you would rather not put the effort into having sex, then let your husband know that starting tonight you want to be completely satisfied…and allow him to take you there!
I would give anything for my husband to be making love with me right now rather than having to be in bed so early and up even earlier for work that he is too exhausted to care about sex during the week. 🙁
Many men like oral sex to completion now and then.
You make a good point about the importance of enjoying sex. If it is painful or just isn’t pleasurable, it can be hard to get motivated to be sexually generous.
I’m sorry for sounding harsh. I sit here alone tonight and know it will be a full week before my husband and I are intimate, so it is painful. His work hours make it hard to connect sexually during the week and being on my period this week, well, I know there will be no sex until this weekend. 🙁
I understand that for many men oral sex to completion is the ultimate, but it just sounded so selfish and one sided…he did you a favor, now you do that for him, instead of, “I’d be happy to help you out dear, now let’s go get ravenous together.”
My husband once said to me when I offered to finish oral sex to completion for him, that he far rather finish together as that feels so much better for him. Granted there may be women who don’t want to have sex every night and offering that to her husband, for those husbands that need sex more often, maybe a good alternative. Or perhaps as a couple you are having sex several times per week, so offering oral sex just for him doesn’t take away from your intimacy.
But when sex is once, maybe twice per week as it is for my husband and I, we would far rather have a mutually satisfying sexual experience.
I’m not saying it’s wrong you chose to give your husband a sexual favor he enjoys, that’s between the two of you.
And yes, if sex is painful or not pleasing, women will not want to participate. Seeking medical help and communicating needs with their spouse is vital.
I think too many women don’t have orgasms and too many men don’t know how to help their wives get there, so it becomes a one-sided experience and the woman then just gives up.
I know, I lived in a 20 year abusive marriage and not one time did my ex ever try to pleasure me…he told me early on that it was my “problem” if I couldn’t orgasm.
Sweetie, I knew where you were coming from. We had a rough stretch about six months ago where my husband had a rotten work schedule that meant we had very little opportunity for sexual contact. At that time, a choice for oral sex to completion for him would have resulted in deprivation for me. Now, we have similar schedules and I know that if I don’t get what I need one night, I can get it the next.
After all the years of my refusal and gate-keeping, my choice to focus on my husband’s pleasure is still healing to him. It is a precious gift–one that represents not just sexual pleasure but full acceptance of his sexuality and giving. It was the gift I offered to him. His comment was accepting the gift, not making a request. And, um, it just might have happened that I was offered a gift as well. 😉
I am sorry you haven’t found sexual contentment in marriage. Another season in life may bring changes to your husband’s schedule.
This is a very helpful essay for both husbands and wives. Thanks for posting these relevant questions and insightful answers from your husband.
Many couples are having issues in this area of loving sexual intimacy. In addition to more honest communication with one’s spouse, a person can look inside herself or himself and try to be honest and find why she or he is reluctant to open up to sexual desire for, and sexual intimacy with, one’s spouse. (Outside marriage counseling can be helpful as well.) Past hurts can be healed when one decides to let go of the anger. As they say, forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. Please do not let your past rob you of a better, more fulfilling present and future.
Forgiven wife, you did not really “bribe” your husband to participate and answer your questions. This seems to be just the playful and loving nature of your relationship with your husband. Wives can lighten up a bit here. Pleasing your husband can also be very gratifying for you as well. If you have not tried this, you will not likely know this – but, oral sex performed to completion can be very intimate and special for both your husband and for yourself. From a married man’s perspective, I love that my wife is so playful and affectionate, and I value her even more because she is so.
No, I didn’t bribe my husband. I was silly and sent him a businessy email and threw in a prize. It isn’t like he would’ve had to cooperate in order to get what he wanted, after all. 😉
If I’m the “wives” you are telling to “lighten up”, I can assure you that I’m very playful and affectionate with my husband sexually, and other times too. We have a very loving relationship and I absolutely love pleasing my man, but for us that does not mean me finishing him orally. It is not what he desires.
My husband does not see oral sex to completion in the same light as you and I guess other men. He absolutely loves it for foreplay, but always wishes to finish through intercourse after we have pleasured each other in other ways. And believe me, I have offered many times and he always says the same thing, that finishing together is the best for him…and I couldn’t agree more. 😉
Perhaps if our sex life was more frequent he may feel differently and desire me finishing him orally, but I think because we are limited to only once or twice a week, we both crave that oneness we get when finishing together, kwim?
And from a married woman’s perspective, I love that my husband and I are so playful and affectionate in and out of the bedroom, and I value our marriage even more so because of it. 🙂
Thank you for thinking of us husbands and thank your husband for sharing his thoughts with us. It’s always interesting to get both a husband and wife’s perspective.
It was also nice to see you using positive reinforcement to provide the extra incentive for your husband to participate. I imagine that it’s not so easy being so exposed.
I really enjoyed hearing from your husband! I was surprised to read that he didn’t really view your actions as refusal… it almost makes me want to ask my husband his thoughts about his years of being “sexually limited”… but then again, I’m not sure I’m ready to hear the answers.
Thanks to you both for sharing!
I was surprised by that, too! During those years, he talked about it as refusal, not just a difference in drives. He is blessed with a selective memory, I guess. And it’s a good reminder that we each experiencing things from our own perspective and process it all in our own ways.
I appreciate the insights. I think you have a wonderful marriage and I am glad that you both were able to work through the rocky times to get to where you are today. May your marriage continue to grown and you both grow closer and closer together.
BTW – I agree, certain treats like blow jobs are a nice touch. I think the perfect situation is giving each other treats like that from time to time.
BG wrote to FW “I deeply, passionately and ardently love you. You are a completely beautiful woman whom I have always been lucky to have as my girlfriend, fiance and wife.”
You two are an amazing couple.
It took a lot of work to get us to this point, and while we do have plenty of growth yet to do, we dohave some amazing moments.
My hubby is blessed with selective memory, too, I think. We just recently turned a corner in our intimate lives. I used to cringe at the phrase “making love”- I thought it was so cheesy. I preferred to use the phrase “do it” because I saw sex as a physical release for my husband and a sacrifice for me. Thankfully, in the last month or so, I’ve finally learned what “making love” really is. I still think the phrase is cheesy, like a 70’s folk song, but I actually find myself using it and liking it 🙂 Because I finally understand how sex is a wonderful and pure expression of love.
I was plagued with guilt and disappointment in our sex life, because what is most salient to me are all the times when I WASN’T feeling it, when I was just going through the motions and praying to God to help me get through it. In contrast, what my husband dwells on are those few times when I did get loose and have fun (as rare as they were). Although I know that at least subconsciously he knew something wasn’t right (after all, he never initiated me, with and masturbated/used porn occasionally to fill in the gaps) he chooses to remember the good times. He said that now that I’m fully present and excited about sex, I just took it to the next level for him. Is it a self-protective thing or just a spirit of positivity and grace? Not sure, but I do appreciate it, because it’s so easy to beat myself up about our first 6 years of marriage. The important thing is that I’m forgiven and we’re now closer than ever on every level.
Anyway, thanks for this blog! It really speaks to me on a heart-level.
Thanks for your comment, kris-anne. I’m glad to know this blog speaks to your heart. I love what you say about making love. Now that our relationship is so much stronger, even our most basic fun-focused romps that are about physical release feel more like love-making because of the relationship that surrounds those encounters. It is a completely different level of intimacy, I think. I am glad you are on a journey forward!
I know this is coming really late compared to the original posting, but no one ever answered the question about whether it was a self protective thing or positivity and grace.
I can only speak for myself, but I can honestly say that I am just like your husband: I remember and cherish the times when things do work. It is what gives me hope, and I focus on them because I see the potential in my wife that she doesn’t seem to see. She too seems to only think about the times when she didn’t feel like it and has her own selective memory about that.
For me, I suppose it is somewhat self protective because if I didn’t selectively remember things, I would have given up long ago. I feel great pain for low desire partners who never have those good moments to have hope in.
I don’t specifically feel like I am being explicitly forgiving when I “forget” those times, but I suppose that you can look at it as positivity and grace because I think that the willingness to forget the bad times is a sign of true love. I wish at times that my wife would forgive herself the bad times and love herself for the good things…true love of yourself is part of the equation.
I would be worried if someone only remembered the bad times and brought them up repeatedly. They may not know any other way to process it, and only remembering the good times gives hope, and if that hope is dashed and damaged too much/too often, it can be hard to have hope because it hurts more than the anger and frustration does.
Your husband loves you enough to see you for who you can be and the woman he sees you as….cherish it.
I am sure at some point a husband can feel his wife is refusing him, but isn’t it interesting you felt and even intended to be refusing and he only felt you weren’t interested. I think most husbands feel this way under those circumstances and also feel powerless to do anything about it without seeming selfish so no dialog ever comes of it until it reaches a crisis point.
Memory is interesting, too. Although in general, he thought it was more about a low libido and disinterest in sex, there were times when he made it clear that he saw it as refusal (although he didn’t use that term). My husband’s memory softens hurts from the past. This made it easier for him to love me throughout this process, I think.