Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits. Song of Solomon 4:16
I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. Song of Solomon 8:2
Oh, Song of Solomon, how provocative are thy words . . . the spices . . . my beloved eating in my garden . . . the juice of my pomegranate . . .
Could these words mean what I think they mean? There are other passages in Song of Solomon that suggest oral sex being performed on the husband. These verses, though, suggest that his mouth might belong in her garden.
In Oral Blessings, I wrote about how to get yourself comfortable with the idea of performing oral sex on your husband. But what about oral sex on you?
The very thought of this makes some women cringe. Many husbands really want to do this for their wives. If yours is one of them (and if you aren’t sure, ask him), it’s worth working on being more comfortable.
If you’re uncomfortable with it, do you know why? Here are some reasons women have given for why they don’t want their husbands to perform oral sex on them.
Oral sex isn’t okay. Says who? (See this great article at The Marriage Bed about what the Bible says about different sexual practices.) Song of Solomon contains some passages that hint quite strongly at the godly desire for oral sex on her as part of the marriage bed. Some women dismiss the sexual content of Song of Solomon, claiming that it is only allegory. Consider this: an allegory is meaningless on the higher level if the thing to which it refers doesn’t also mean something on an earthly level. Song of Solomon has allegorical meaning because it refers to earthly delight, not in spite of it. If you disagree with this, at least be sure that it’s because you truly disagree with it, not because you are looking for Biblical support for your feelings about oral sex.
Oral sex is inferior to intercourse. Many women have the idea that the only godly orgasm (gasp!) is the one she has during intercourse. Sexual pleasure that happens when her husband isn’t inside her is just plain wrong, or lesser. Surely, oral sex isn’t the way God wants us to act with each other, is it?
Studies have repeatedly shown that only 20-25% of women regularly experience orgasm through intercourse; most of us require direct stimulation of the clitoris. While this can certainly be done by hand or vibrator, many women find that oral sex is the stimulation that is most likely to result in orgasm. This is normal—not lesser than intercourse, just different. Throughout the lifetime of a marriage, you can experience many different kinds of sexual activity. If you need oral sex to have an orgasm this time, you can always try it with intercourse next time.
Remember, too, that oral sex doesn’t have to result in an orgasm. It can be a part of foreplay and can help get you aroused enough that intercourse is more pleasurable for you.
Oral sex doesn’t feel good. Even some women who love receiving oral sex say that sometimes, it tickles or just isn’t arousing. Many women say that until they’re aroused through other means (such as kissing and caressing of breasts and/or genitals), oral sex is more of a tickle than a sexual arousal. If you’ve dismissed it from your marriage bed simply for this reason, then ask your husband to try again—and again and again and again. The only way for him to get better at it is to have lots of practice. Ask him to try differing amounts of pressure, work on the labia for a while before heading to the clitoris, touch you lightly with his fingers and breath before adding in his tongue and lips. Try different things until you discover what does feel pleasurable for you. Instead of thinking “oral sex doesn’t feel good,” think “oral sex doesn’t feel good yet.”
It takes too long for me to reach orgasm. So what? If it’s going to take you a while anyway, why does it matter whether your husband is using his mouth or his hands or his penis to get you there? If he isn’t complaining, why should you? If his mouth gets tired, he can switch back and forth with his hands.
We’re self-conscious. The biggest reason I’ve seen women give against receiving oral sex is that they are self-conscious about how they taste and smell—not to mention that when your husband has his mouth between your legs, he is getting a very up-close-and-personal look at a body part many of us don’t find beautiful. Face it. Our genitals produce a unique aroma when we are sexually aroused. No matter what we think about that aroma, however, our husbands love it. In a survey I’m doing of men’s views on giving their wives oral sex, I have seen phrases like “ambrosia” and “God’s banquet.” Our husbands associate our taste and smell with our arousal, deep intimacy, and great sexual pleasure. The smell that we find embarrassing is intoxicating to our husbands.
We don’t want him to expect to have the favor returned. In a healthy married sexual relationship, sex involves both giving and receiving. If you aren’t comfortable performing oral sex on him, see the posts here and here and here and here. You can enjoy receiving, even as you work on getting more comfortable giving.
I have a bit more to say about some of these things, so I will be writing a few other posts about getting comfortable being orally blessed.
Many husbands say that oral sex is the most intimate act of giving they can use to bless their wives. If you say “no” to receiving oral sex, you are rejecting your husband’s gift and blessing.
What will it take for you to learn to accept and enjoy your husband’s sexual blessing?
Other Posts on Oral Sex for Her
Image courtesy of Stoonn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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It is my sincere belief that when God designed sex, He meant for it to involve all our senses. From the whisper of loving words, to the smells of arousal, to the sensational feelings and sensations, to the sight of our naked spouse…and yes to the taste of our spouse’s body. Most men really, really love the sight, taste and smell of their wife’s genitals, and when performed correctly, the orgasm that can be produced by oral sex is extreme. I think, as you said, many women are self-conscious about their genitals and the thought is uncomfortable. But self-esteem issues have no place in the marital bedroom. I think oral sex is something every couple should be practicing, both on him AND her. Great post! 🙂
Although self-esteem issues may have no place in the bedroom, it’s hard to leave those issues at the door when going into the bedroom. When a woman goes a long time thinking a certain way and then has years of behavior based on those thoughts, it’s hard to change overnight. And sadly, even one negative comment from an inexperienced husband can haunt us for years.
I love the way you say that sex should involve all our senses. I have to say that the more my physical senses are involved, the easier it is for me to focus on what we’re doing and not be distracted by other issues. I’ll have to think about how I can use that idea. 🙂
SInce I went into marriage having been previously sexually active and being my husband’s first I was already open to so many things. It is so foreign to me that woman wouldn’t want this done or that men wouldn’t want to. A friend of mine married 7 years said her husband has one done it a few times. It is one of my husband’s favorite thing to do and one of my favorite things to get 🙂 Great article!
Wonderfully done! Thank you for addressing a topic many are afraid of.
Also I might add that a lot of men have “issues” with their penis size or how long they can last due to many different things and oral for them is about the only way they feel they can please their wife
I read this post and the others linked to it. I’m not one that can do this. I’ve done this before and found it so distasteful in every way that I don’t do it at all… ever, nor do I have plans to change. But when one is forced to do something and then finally has a say, one is likely to avoid at all costs what was once forced. But I need to say that you imply that a wife is not a blessing to her husband unless she does this. And that is simply not true. I can be and am a blessing to my husband in many other ways. And not doing this for him does NOT negate everything else I do. But for all those out that who do this… more power to you. But do it because you WANT to not because you feel you HAVE to.
What specifically about it did you find to be distasteful? Is there any possibility that your negative feelings may come from feeling like you were “forced” to do the act rather than from the act itself??
(And yes of course you are still a blessing to your husband even if you do not do this for him… but you can be even more so if it’s something he deeply desires.)
I’m also wondering if you’ve had the opportunity to have a heart-to-heart with your husband about this topic? Have you been able to share your feelings with him – in a sensitive and thoughtful way – and has he been able to honestly share with you about how he feels about it, especially if it is something he desires — what it would mean to him, etc.?
I just want to encourage you, that if it’s something your husband desires and you have a heart to bless him abundantly, and you have any desire to overcome your feelings about this particular topic, it can be done! It can come to fill your heart with joy, because it’s a blessing to him. For many men, oral sex is the most intimate and vulnerable act there is. It makes them feel very deeply loved.
My wife and I began this early on in our marriage. Frankly when we first married I never thought about her being satisfied, Then we became Christians, and everything changed. I found out that the only way she CAN orgasm reliably is through oral, which is fine because I enjoy it immensely..
I so appreciate articles like this that encourage and challenge wives to “get it on” and be a blessing to their husbands. I’m passionate about Christian marriage being a light in this dark world of failed relationships and broken marriages! We can shine through the power of Jesus Christ in us if we will just allow Him to work in our marriages. Thank you for your voice in this area!
Reconsider the Biblical phrase: “THE LAND OF MILK AND HONEY”. An Earthly meaning, for me anyway, is a place (state of mind) of reward granted to us that allows us to enjoy the fruits of our labor (living a Godly life) so we can enjoy recreation (re create, anyone?) by making blissful, ecstatic love…because, after all, that love produces MILK (man’s semen) and HONEY (women’s lubrication) as well as more of God’s Children! And since God made sex a good thing for us, I’ve often wondered what God did on HIS day of rest! 😉