Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits. Song of Solomon 4:16
I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. Song of Solomon 8:2
Oh, Song of Solomon, how provocative are thy words . . . the spices . . . my beloved eating in my garden . . . the juice of my pomegranate . . .
Could these words mean what I think they mean? There are other passages in Song of Solomon that suggest oral sex being performed on the husband. These verses, though, suggest that his mouth might belong in her garden.
In Oral Blessings, I wrote about how to get yourself comfortable with the idea of performing oral sex on your husband. But what about oral sex on you?
The very thought of this makes some women cringe. Many husbands really want to do this for their wives. If yours is one of them (and if you aren’t sure, ask him), it’s worth working on being more comfortable.
If you’re uncomfortable with it, do you know why? Here are some reasons women have given for why they don’t want their husbands to perform oral sex on them.
Oral sex isn’t okay. Says who? (See this great article at The Marriage Bed about what the Bible says about different sexual practices.) Song of Solomon contains some passages that hint quite strongly at the godly desire for oral sex on her as part of the marriage bed. Some women dismiss the sexual content of Song of Solomon, claiming that it is only allegory. Consider this: an allegory is meaningless on the higher level if the thing to which it refers doesn’t also mean something on an earthly level. Song of Solomon has allegorical meaning because it refers to earthly delight, not in spite of it. If you disagree with this, at least be sure that it’s because you truly disagree with it, not because you are looking for Biblical support for your feelings about oral sex.
Oral sex is inferior to intercourse. Many women have the idea that the only godly orgasm (gasp!) is the one she has during intercourse. Sexual pleasure that happens when her husband isn’t inside her is just plain wrong, or lesser. Surely, oral sex isn’t the way God wants us to act with each other, is it?
Studies have repeatedly shown that only 20-25% of women regularly experience orgasm through intercourse; most of us require direct stimulation of the clitoris. While this can certainly be done by hand or vibrator, many women find that oral sex is the stimulation that is most likely to result in orgasm. This is normal—not lesser than intercourse, just different. Throughout the lifetime of a marriage, you can experience many different kinds of sexual activity. If you need oral sex to have an orgasm this time, you can always try it with intercourse next time.
Remember, too, that oral sex doesn’t have to result in an orgasm. It can be a part of foreplay and can help get you aroused enough that intercourse is more pleasurable for you.
Oral sex doesn’t feel good. Even some women who love receiving oral sex say that sometimes, it tickles or just isn’t arousing. Many women say that until they’re aroused through other means (such as kissing and caressing of breasts and/or genitals), oral sex is more of a tickle than a sexual arousal. If you’ve dismissed it from your marriage bed simply for this reason, then ask your husband to try again—and again and again and again. The only way for him to get better at it is to have lots of practice. Ask him to try differing amounts of pressure, work on the labia for a while before heading to the clitoris, touch you lightly with his fingers and breath before adding in his tongue and lips. Try different things until you discover what does feel pleasurable for you. Instead of thinking “oral sex doesn’t feel good,” think “oral sex doesn’t feel good yet.”
It takes too long for me to reach orgasm. So what? If it’s going to take you a while anyway, why does it matter whether your husband is using his mouth or his hands or his penis to get you there? If he isn’t complaining, why should you? If his mouth gets tired, he can switch back and forth with his hands.
We’re self-conscious. The biggest reason I’ve seen women give against receiving oral sex is that they are self-conscious about how they taste and smell—not to mention that when your husband has his mouth between your legs, he is getting a very up-close-and-personal look at a body part many of us don’t find beautiful. Face it. Our genitals produce a unique aroma when we are sexually aroused. No matter what we think about that aroma, however, our husbands love it. In a survey I’m doing of men’s views on giving their wives oral sex, I have seen phrases like “ambrosia” and “God’s banquet.” Our husbands associate our taste and smell with our arousal, deep intimacy, and great sexual pleasure. The smell that we find embarrassing is intoxicating to our husbands.
We don’t want him to expect to have the favor returned. In a healthy married sexual relationship, sex involves both giving and receiving. If you aren’t comfortable performing oral sex on him, see the posts here and here and here and here. You can enjoy receiving, even as you work on getting more comfortable giving.
I have a bit more to say about some of these things, so I will be writing a few other posts about getting comfortable being orally blessed.
A couple surveys about oral sex for her are still open. If you haven’t given your input yet, please visit the survey and share your views.
Many husbands say that oral sex is the most intimate act of giving they can use to bless their wives. If you say “no” to receiving oral sex, you are rejecting your husband’s gift and blessing.
What will it take for you to learn to accept and enjoy your husband’s sexual blessing?
Other Posts on Oral Sex for Her
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