5 Ways to Work on Your Sex Life without Having to Add Spice

You’ve probably seen plenty of blog posts about how to spice up your sex life. I’ve written a few of them myself.

The Song of Songs is filled with references to spice, too. While that may reassure us that spicier activities are okay, it may not help us be comfortable or ready to jump feet first into spicy sex.

When you’re still struggling with sex, the thought of spicing up your sex life can be just a bit too much.

• I’m still trying not to hate sex. I can’t think about spice!
• Why would I want to add spice to something that already works well enough?
• I wouldn’t mind a little spice, but it won’t ever be enough for my husband. If I do one thing, then he’ll ask me to try something else, and then something else again. It will never stop!

Fortunately, the Song of Songs also overflows with the basic flavors of milk and honey. These flavors provide much substance and sweetness.

Focus on substance and sweetness

You can make plenty of progress in your sex life by starting off with growth in some basic “milk and honey” areas.

Let’s take a look at five things you can do to work on your sex life that don’t involve new sexual activity.

1. Learn about God’s design for sex in marriage and for your sexuality.

If you don’t understand why sex is important, you’ve thought of sex is that is dirty, or you think your husband’s sexual desire for you is wrong, then one major step you can take is to learn more about what God has to say about sex. In fact, if you do only one thing from this whole post, this should be the one. It’s just that important.

Read the Bible, starting with the Song of Songs. Many people will say that the book is only a metaphor for the relationship between Christ and His Bride. A metaphor works only when it is built on a literal truth. The symbolic aspects of Song of Songs work only because the literal understand is also true. So read it as a detailed description of the delight God wants for your marriage.

Other sources can help as well. You’ll find a list at the end of this post. One of my favorite sources is Passion Pursuit, by Linda Dillow and Juli Slattery. My spring Passion Pursuit study session begins in less than two weeks, so sign up now! If you want to do the study by email, you can sign up at any time. Learn more here.

You can learn a lot about yourself and your sexuality, too. Your sexuality—the way your body responds, your desire for emotional connection with your husband, and your ability to enjoy sex—are gifts from God. Your sexuality and sexual response probably don’t look like your husband’s—and that is God’s design. (The Passion Pursuit study can help with this, too.)

If you have experienced sexual abuse or relationship trauma, it can be hard to believe that sex is a good gift. Your journey to believe that sex is a gift may include the pursuit of healing for yourself.

2. Show up when you’re having sex.

Do you ever “check out” when you’re having sex? I used to make my grocery list in my head, calculate how many days I would have “off” from Big Guy bugging me about sex, and basically do anything except actually be mentally present. Being fully present and engaged during sex was a huge step for me.

If this is the case for you as well, there are some things you can do to be more engaged in sex.

Tend to your thoughts. If anything negative comes into your head, push it aside and replace it with a positive truth: God designed my body to fit with my husband’s body. This is my husband, and this is good.

Pay attention to what you are experiencing physically (and not just between the legs). Look at your husband’s body. Look him in the eyes. Think about the feeling of the hair on his legs or the weight of his body on yours. Use scented candles or perfume that you associate with love and sex. Open your eyes and see what you are experiencing.

You might be surprised to discover that sex starts to be a sweeter experience for you.

3. Increase your sexual frequency.

No one else can determine the ideal sexual frequency for your marriage. If your husband has been asking for sex more frequently, he may not even know how often would work well for him. If he has felt sexually famished for years, then he doesn’t have a clear sense of what his body and heart need.

To have sex more often, just start where you are with sexual frequency and add to it. If you have sex once a week now, try having sex twice a week or an extra two times each month. If you currently have sex once a month, try having sex every week or maybe six times a month rather than four. If you have sex only a few times a year, start by aiming for once every month.

Also, pay attention to your own sexual interest. If you find that you are thinking about sex fondly one day, then have sex—even if you just had sex the day before! Many women find that the more they have sex, the more they want it. Paying attention to your own interest in sex is a good way to find out if this is true for you.

4. Initiate sometimes.

Many husbands say that they want their wives to initiate more. It helps them feel desired as men, and it helps them feel loved. If you’ve decided to turn your sex life around, initiating can have a big impact for your husband.

It can be a good thing for you, too. I have always struggled with making the transition from my very busy mind into the relaxation that I need for sex. When my husband would initiate, I was often in the middle of something else. It was very hard for me to switch gears.

Here’s what I figured out: if I initiate, I am the one setting the time. Instead of having to respond to my husband’s spontaneous desire, I was able to initiate at those times when my mind was already relaxed or when I noticed that my body was experiencing some steamy tingles.

This can help you act your way into truly believing that sex is for you and not just for your husband.

5. Change how you do the things you do.

If you’ve resisted or avoided sex much during your marriage, you may have a fairly limited set of sexual activities—which is part of why the idea of spice may be so overwhelming. You may have one or two positions, a usual pattern of sexual activity (such as first you kiss, then he touches your breasts, then he moves his hands to your genitals, and then you move into intercourse), and always at the same time of day or in the same location.

Without adding any new sexual activity, you can switch some things around. Here are some ideas:

• If you have a usual four-step sequence, switch around a couple of the steps—or change who is doing them.
• If you do your usual sequence in one particular position, try doing it upside down (with you on top rather than on the bottom as usual, for example).
• Have sex in the morning rather than at night.
• Light some candles if you usually have sex in the dark.
• Do the usual stuff with only one change: go slower.
• Switch which side of the bed you’re on.

Changing things around doesn’t add new substance to your sex life, but doing familiar things in new ways can add a lot of sweetness.

Milk and honey can make you ready for spice

Spicing things up with new activities can be a wonderful way to grow together in intimacy with your husband—but if you aren’t ready to add spice, then spend some time working on the “milk and honey” of your sex life instead. Build substance. Add sweetness.

Then, when you’re ready, adding spice will seem like the natural next step.

Check out these resources that can help you with the suggestions in this post.

Blogs and Podcasts

• Bonny’s Oysterbed7
• Calm.Healthy.Sexy.
• Hot, Holy & Humorous
• Intimacy in Marriage
• Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast

Books

These are affiliate links that earn me a commission at no additional cost to you. (If you are reading this post in your email, visit my blog for the links.)

• Awaken Love, Ruth Buezis
• The Gift of Sex, Clifford Penner and Joyce J. Penner
• Hot, Holy, & Humorous: Sex by God’s Design, J. Parker
• Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex, Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus
• Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage, Ed Wheat and Gaye Wheat
• Unlock Your Libido, Bonny Burns

My related blog posts

• 6 Ways to Nurture Your Sexual Desire
• Can “Fake It to Make It” Really Work with Sex?
• Experience Deeper Intimacy During Sex
• How I Learned to Not Hate Sex
• Love Like a Woman: Should Your Sexual Response Be Like Your Husband’s?
• The Macaroni and Cheese Lesson: Stepping Your Toes Outside Your Comfort Zone
• Vanilla Is a Flavor
• Your Husband’s Sexual Desire for You Is Not Wrong

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