Remember whose daughter you are.

A meme has been going around Facebook that has stuck in my mind:

“Whenever you feel overwhelmed, remember whose daughter you are and straighten your crown.”*

We, my friends, are daughters of the King. He created us to experience pleasure. He created us to experience joy. He created us to experience connection and unity with our husbands through sexual intimacy.

Yet sometimes we believe that we won’t—or can’t—ever enjoy sex with our husbands. Read More →

How can you respond if your husband reacts negatively when you say no to sex?

Big Guy would approach me for sex. My response was usually some variation of no—rolling my eyes, listing all the things I need to get done first, or just saying the word “no.”

Quite often, after my negative response I would start to think about the possibility of sex. I wonder why I don’t think about sex like he does? I like sex well enough once we’re doing it. Hmm. I suppose that if I could just wrap up this stuff I’m working on, I might be able to do it. I just need some transition time. If he would come ask me again right this minute, I might be able to manage a yes. Where is he, anyway? For a guy who seems to want sex so much, shouldn’t he be here with me, spending time with me and helping me?
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The benefits--and limits--of duty sex

A wife who’s resisted sex for a long time can face a tough journey when she begins to work on sexual intimacy.

The goal should be a thriving sexual relationship with her husband. Sometimes, though, it’s easier for a sexually reluctant wife to think of sex as little more than duty sex in which she allows her husband to have an orgasm with her body. Men report that this leaves them feeling emotionally empty and deprived—and honestly, it doesn’t do so much for us emotionally, either. (I’ve written about the downsides of duty sex here, here, here, and here.)

Getting comfortable with duty sex should not be the end goal for a wife who decides to work on sex.

However, duty sex isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes it is a helpful early step in a wife’s journey toward joyful sexual intimacy. Read More →

 

Take a step toward confession and repentance.

Note: If your husband is in unrepentant and on-going sin against you, if you are in an intentional season of healing that requires you to be able to say no to sex, or if you are experiencing medical issues that interfere with sexual intimacy, this post is not for you.

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Psalm 51:3

I’ve said before that when it comes to sexual intimacy, it isn’t always wrong to say no—but it IS wrong to always say no.

Sex is an important part of God’s design for marriage. Sex provides us a unique—and totally awesome—pleasure. It helps us develop intimacy and oneness with each other. It provides a means of connection unlike any other. When sexual intimacy is lacking in our marriages, we miss out on one of God’s most amazing gifts to us. Read More →

Weary with the Sorrow of Loneliness

From middle school into adulthood, my best friends and I grew from girlhood into womanhood together.

In high school, my friends always seemed to have dates—or at least guys who were interested in them. Me? Not so much. I jealously looked on from the sidelines, wondering if I would ever find a guy who liked me. I worried that I would spend my life alone and lonely. Read More →

Are you waiting for a miracle in your marriage?

In my living room stands a concrete goose. She used to sit on my husband’s grandmother’s porch, dressed for every holiday and every season. When Grandma passed away, we inherited her goose—and three boxes of outfits.

One of these outfits has been on her goose recently: an old and faded Cubs t-shirt. It is a legacy of love from Grandma and hope that maybe this year, finally, would be our year. Read More →

No matter what your first step is or how it goes, remember that God is always with you.

So far in this Making Sexual Changes series, I’ve talked about understanding how we got to the beginning of this journey of change and the process of beginning the journey. Today I’d like to wrap it up by talking about what you can actually do in those first steps.

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You’ve prayed, you’ve found your courage, and you’re ready to take your first sexual step—but what should it be? Read More →

This is the second of a three-part series about how to begin to make changes in sexual intimacy in your marriage.

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What matters is that you get into the water, not how you get there.

Some of us made the decision to change in an instant. A realization or conviction can be a lightning strike paradigm shift. Others of us had the decision creep up on us like thunder that rumbles far away long before you realize a storm is on its way. Not everyone embraces what the storm brings, either. While some of us stand with our hearts ready to accept the waves of change that will wash over us, others try to fight off those waves with an umbrella. Read More →

Knowing your story may be the first step in changing it.

I hear from many women about how they came to decide to work on sexual intimacy in their marriages. Not a single one has ever said that she woke up one morning and just decided to do it out of the blue. Nor has anyone told me that it was easy.

If you are a wife who has made the decision to change, you may be asking yourself, Now what? This post is for you. Actually, so are the next two posts. I had so much to say that I decided it would be easier for you to read one bit at a time.

Today I would like to encourage you to think about what brought you to your decision to change.  Read More →

Are you in an emotional swamp at the thought of making changes in your sex life?

Words cannot adequately describe my emotions when I realized I needed to work on sex.

Some of these emotions were due to my newfound awareness of how deeply our sexual disconnection had hurt my husband. I felt a heavy burden of guilt for having caused him so much pain. My heart hurt for him. I felt like I had completely failed at marriage and being a wife. Read More →

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