Have you ever hit one of those stretches where sex just can’t seem to happen?
You and your husband may have good intentions with sex. You both want to be with each other, but life keeps getting in the way. You’re sick. He’s sick. You’re both exhausted from being up with a sick kid or visiting a family member in the hospital. Stress from work is interfering with sex drive, energy levels, or both. You’re dealing with a home renovation project and your back aches from having to wash dishes in the bathtub. One of you is traveling for work a lot, and during the few days when you’re both home together, you have your period or relatives unexpectedly come visit.
So you go for a whole week without sex, and then it’s two weeks. Next thing you know, it’s been a month or two or more without sex. Then when you do finally have sex, it feels a bit weird. (In When It’s Been a Long Time, I shared some tips for getting past the weirdness.)
It would be so much better to avoid getting to that point in the first place, wouldn’t it? But what can you do when you seem to face one obstacle after another? How can you maintain intimacy to help you and your husband keep that lovin’ feeling going even when sex isn’t happening?
3 Areas of Intimacy
I’ve often seen marital intimacy described as having three components: emotional, spiritual, and physical. All three of these areas show up in the bedroom.
When intimacy in even one of those areas is weak, our marriage can feel it. On the other hand, when we are intentional about all three areas, our marriage can stay strong even if life is getting in the way of sex.
Nurturing all three of these areas can help maintain a level of intimacy that can sustain us even when life gets in the way of sex. Here are some tips to help you do just that. Bonus: Some of these tips can be combined at the same time, so if it is difficult to find time together, you can at least make that time count for as much as possible!
Emotional intimacy
- Have face-to-face time every day. Smile at him. Comment on what you see (“you look tired” or “tough day at work?” or “you look like you got a good night’s sleep”) to show that you truly see him. If one of you is away for a few days, you may be able to use a video chat to get some face-to-face time.
- Have side-by-side time every day, preferably doing something together. Whereas women tend to feel closer when they can look someone in the eyes, many men prefer the feeling of companionship they get when they are side-by-side. Take a walk around your back yard, around the block, or even to the hospital cafeteria and back. Sit together on the couch.
Spiritual intimacy
- Pray together. It could involve one or both of you praying out loud, but it might also mean that you have silent prayer time together. If you are apart from each other, you still could set a time when you both pray individually.
- Pray for each other. Ask him what you can pray about for him. Share with him your prayer concerns.
- Attend worship together. Sitting next to your husband in church can be a great comfort and connector.
Physical intimacy
- Enjoy non-sexual touch. Physical contact matters. (See A Powerful Touch.) Hug each other. Hold hands.
- Be naked together. Even if you and your husband aren’t able to manage sex, try to spend some time together skin-to-skin. If you can, sleep naked. If you aren’t able to do that, perhaps you can spend some of that face-to-face or side-by-side time together under the covers without any clothes on. Although this isn’t exactly sexual touch, it does have a sexual component to it (hello, nakedness!), which is kind of nice.
- Kiss frequently. Make sure some of those kisses are more than just pecks. Even 15-second kisses several times during the day can help with physical intimacy.
Sex is important enough that it’s best to look for ways to find time and energy for it, even when life makes it difficult. Even when sex isn’t possible, though, being intentional about maintaining emotional, spiritual, and emotional intimacy can make it all the more joyful when you and your husband are able to have sex again.
Other Resources
- If it is only intercourse that isn’t possible for a time, then see Maintaining Sexual Intimacy When Sex Isn’t Possible (my guest post at Messy Marriage) and When It Hurts: Maintaining Sexual Intimacy While Dealing with Pain.
- Nurture Your Non-Sexual Intimacy gives you additional ideas for staying intimate non-sexually.
Image credit | pexels at pixabay.com
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A great post, Chris, and an important.
I was thinking about this very subject yesterday: my bride and I are in a season of heavy work, so exhausted nights plus kids at home yield good stretches of no sexual intimacy. The other night I wanted some intimacy with her, but I found myself too tired. Pondering and praying, I discovered that what I truly craved was just the feel of her skin, of her body next to mine. So, in bed, I arranged myself that she could put her (cold) feet on on calves, and I could caress her bare hip. It was divine, soothing, elating, and bonding.
I’ve also asked her to start praying some specific prayers (or, at least, prayer topics) for me daily.
Keep up the great work with this ministry, Chris. It is vital.
Blessings!
Thanks so much for the comment. I’m glad you and your wife found a way to connect with each other.
Chris,
This is a very romantic read.
Quality time outside the bedroom is romantic, Cozy-ing next to one another to watching a movie, Laying in bed, holding one another in each others arms before falling asleep.
There is something to be said to emotionally connect and stimulate one another’s mental senses, like we are making love to one another’s mind, simply by going on a drive together, savoring every second we are together.
We have a 5 week old and although I’m cleared to have sex I’m terrified to get pregnant again so quickly. Due to breastfeeding I’m trying natural family planning which I’m still learning. Both my husband and I are becoming frustrated with no intimacy. He says you trust God with this but I’m still having fear because we’d be using nothing for protection. Thank you for the blog. I will try some of these tips while I’m working this out.
Congratulations on your new baby!
Be sure to check out the links at the bottom of the post. There are ways to be sexually intimate without risking pregnancy. You may also want to look at After Baby Comes Along. It doesn’t really address the concerns you have, but those other blogs may have some helpful tips.
https://forgivenwife.com/A-Powerful-Touch/
Here’s the link to the other page you had. Think you may have forgot to plug it in right. 🙂
That article was such a powerful message. As someone in a long distance relationship, and not in a really touchy family, it’s so hard sometimes. Going to get a massage this weekend for the first time, because I’m so tired of not having any long lasting close touch for the last 7 years since my last SO ended our relationship.
Thanks. I fixed the link.
This was a really good post, and a timely one as my husband and I are in a rather dry season right now with his long work houses (14 hour days) and moving into a new house.
I tend to be more of the high drive in our marriage and what I find truly sad is when my husband will not even communicate his desire for me. I try hard not to bother him knowing how tired he is, but on the rare day he gets home early and I make it known I’d love some intimate time with him, he always seems to make himself busy with so many other things and I’m left on the bottom of the list. That hurts. And when I’ve expressed this to him, he simply says there are enough hours in the day, but I remind him that I need to have him still express his desire and not ignore me.
Do other men at least let their wives know they are thinking about sex even if they are too tired for it, like the commenter above?
I can accept the fact he is too tired, but I also need to be reminded that he desires me and if he weren’t too tired would want to make love, kwim?
Some men do let their wives know they are thinking about sex even if too tired to do it, but some men don’t. Perhaps they don’t want to bring something up they can’t follow through on, or maybe they want to avoid thinking about something that makes them feel their age or decline in testosterone?