The third leg of my conversation with CSL at The Curmudgeonly Librarian is posted today.
CSL set a trap, and I leapt right in. Okay, it isn’t fair to say that he set the trap. He was responding to my own words, so let me rephrase that: he sprung a trap that I’d set for myself.
In this installment, we talk about whether I was a cold-hearted wife, the ways I tested my husband, responding to a spouse’s vulnerability, the first step in breaking the logjam of conflict, and the clarity of hindsight.
This particular part of the dialogue left me raw. Reaching back into certain memories requires me to temporarily undo some of the healing that has happened. On top of that, CSL asked me a question that forced me to see an area where I still need to grow. It’s good for me, but man, it can be hard to face those areas.
So there I sat at my desk, quietly sobbing for a while midway through this dialogue.
When Big Guy got home an hour later, he got an extra-big hug from me. I really needed one.
You can read the third part of our conversation here.
You can find links to the rest of the Wife’s Heart series in these posts:
A Wife’s Heart
A Wife’s Heart: A Colloquy
A Wife’s Heart: A Colloquy (#2)
Image credit | geralt at pixabay.com
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Chris wrote : “In a marriage where the husband has contributed to his wife’s heartache, however, trust has been eroded. That is exactly why I think it is important for a husband to find out if he contributed to any of that hurt.
If he did, and if he works to support her in her healing, that in itself might strengthen the intimacy between the two of them in a way that changes what is needed in order to address the sexlessness.”
I can say that this is what is starting to work for my wife and myself .
My attempt at the “SATB” failed miserably in part because I let my emotions enter into it and because I did not realize how much I had contributed to her hurt. The fight that ensued from the “SATB” finally revealed that level of hurt.
That sounds like a painful experience–but I think that relational hurt is the case quite frequently. I continue to pray for healing in your marriage. I am glad you and your wife were able to get to the root of things so you could begin to heal.
I don’t understand entertaining CSL. Seems like a detour to a dead end.
Pruning sheers needed for those dead branches.
Even with the rawness I experienced with this installment, it has been good for me to be challenged to dig a bit deeper. He poses questions that refused husbands have but tend not to ask me here, and it is good for them to see those responses. I am enjoying the conversation.
I understand. Im just an outsider looking in seeing some emotional struggles that may be left to just women. I read you were maybe teary eyed over these raw emotions, and I thought that was not good. If its good for you then that’s enough said on my end.
Dead ends I should of clarified its the unresolved back and forths. Question after reply etc..
Oh, I see. This was my choice to get emotionally immersed in what I was doing. I could have chosen to answer his questions much more superficially. In fact, in the first go-round, that’s exactly what I did. As I looked back and considered his follow-up questions, though, I knew that my own growth required me to look at some hard things. I also know that if I told him that I needed us not to go in a certain direction, that would have been respected.
As for the back and forth stuff, that is just how it developed. We wanted it to come through as a conversation. I think if we were sitting in a coffee shop having this conversation, this is probably how it would have sounded.
I’m curious what you mean by “detour to a dead end”. They both have the goal of improving marriages and bringing glory to God. They have different perspectives and I believe it’s helpful to see many perspectives. I believe we develop our ability to love more fully when we can appreciate a perspective that differs from our own.
I’m reminded of the verses in 1 Corinthians where it talks about all the different members of the body. They are all necessary. It even addresses those members we don’t think as highly of. I really like how the KJV puts it.
“And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honor; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness.” 1 Corinthians 12:23
If you struggle to appreciate CSL’s approach perhaps it will help to think of him this way. 😉