Encouragement for the Journey

After Baby Comes Along

- by Chris Taylor

Many women tell me that they enjoyed sex well enough early in their marriages.

Then the babies came along—and sex became difficult.

These things got in the way of sex.

Our marriage definitely fit this pattern. Once the kids came along, I began to really struggle with sex.

As I look back, I see four major factors in my post-baby sex struggles. Can you relate to any of them?

I. Was. Exhausted.

After my son got a puppy, Big Guy and I were asked to dog sit while my son when on a work trip. I was reminded of just how hard those early years of parenting were. I couldn’t sleep through the night. Instead, I had to drag myself out of bed to take the puppy potty. During the day, I had to constantly watch what the dog was doing to be sure he was safe (and that he didn’t damage anything). My shower had to wait until someone else could take over puppy duty. I remember sitting on the couch with my feet up and thinking, Oh, yeah, this feels just a little bit like having babies. I had the puppy for only a weekend, and I was worn out.

With babies, it was that same feeling, but with months of day after day after day of it. The exhaustion of early parenting is overwhelming and hard. I was sleep-deprived, especially with my twins. The laundry was endless. Babies need to be fed frequently, and whether it was breastfeeding, a bottle, or baby food, it seemed like I was always on duty. I had to think about someone else’s needs first, and only then think of my own.

It seemed like I never had a break. I always had to be “on” for someone. On those rare occasions when I found myself with small pockets of time, my body and mind needed for me to rest. Plus, when I am tired and stressed, my sex drive plummets.

Meanwhile, my husband’s sex drive was just as strong as before babies. When he would reach for me at bedtime, sex felt like the last thing I needed.

My kids were my priority.

How could they not be? They needed me! They couldn’t do anything for themselves. If I didn’t put them first, they would go hungry. They would be stuck in dirty diapers. They’d never be clean. They wouldn’t learn that the world was a safe place where they could be cared for.

My husband, on the other hand, was an adult. He could take care of himself. He didn’t need me—even for sex. Since I thought the only reason he was interested in sex was for the orgasm, I figured he could take care of that for himself.

When I would run across the idea that my husband should be a higher priority than my kids and that we should have sex because he needed it, my brain really didn’t know how to make sense of that. My babies were helpless infants. My husband was a competent adult. I thought it was pretty obvious that the babies had to be a higher priority.

Plus, the whole idea that we should have sex for my husband’s sake was a real turn-off for me. It cemented the idea that sex was for him and not at all for me.

Ugh. My body.

I felt like I’d come out of my pregnancy with a very different body than the one I had going into it. My husband was much happier than I was when we were given the green light to resume sex after the post-partum period–but my body neither looked nor felt like the body I’d once had.

Pregnancy had taken its toll on my body. New curves, scars where none had been before, a pelvic floor that didn’t seem as strong as it used to, and stretch marks made me feel self-conscious. I didn’t like the way I looked, and it was hard for me to believe that my husband actually wanted to see it. I sometimes tried to wear lingerie, but my pre-baby lingerie fit very differently on my post-baby body.

My body didn’t feel like my own anymore, either. It was like I had a whole new body, and I didn’t always know how it worked. My sexual response was different due to hormones and exhaustion.

I felt hurt a lot.

Parenting provided new opportunities for us to feel hurt.

I was upset that my husband didn’t do things the way I wanted them done. I was the one who did the daily tasks of parenting like laundry, cleaning, shopping, feeding, and comforting. When my husband helped, he was helping. He wasn’t doing his fair share—and I still had to carry the mental load of juggling everything and knowing what needed to be done.

Not only did these things contribute to my exhaustion, the fact that I carried so much of the burden made me feel resentful and unappreciated—and not at all sexy.

What can you do?

If you can relate to these things, have hope. The baby season of life was a short one. As the kids grew older, they—and I—slept through the night. They learned to feed themselves. They stopped requiring my constant vigilance.

Unfortunately, that brief season of exhaustion, wrong priorities, body adjustment, and hurt laid down patterns in our marriage that took years to recover from. If I could go back and have a do-over, I would do several things differently. If you are in the baby season right now, I encourage you to do them as well.

1. Take care of yourself.

I know this is hard, but it is so, so important. Exhaustion and stress wreak havoc not only on your sex life, but on your overall sense of well-being, too. When you find ten minutes here or there, don’t always use them to see what else you can get done before the baby wakes up from a nap. Sit yourself down with a cup of tea and close your eyes. Call a friend to chat. Use the time for quiet prayer or Bible study. Do something that you enjoy and that feeds you.

If possible, find one thing to do on a regular basis that takes you out of your mama and wife role. When my twins were babies and their brother was barely three years old, my husband encouraged me to be part of a women’s group at our church. We met in a woman’s home, and it was the one time each week when I could simply be me, a child of God, without any responsibilities to my husband or children. I was so grateful for that hour each week. My husband took care of the kids while I was gone, for which I am still so grateful.

Resources to encourage you to take care of yourself

2. Make your marriage a priority.

The baby season doesn’t last forever. As the kids grow older and eventually grow up, it will be you and your husband again. What kind of marriage do you want to have down the road? The patterns you lay down now set a foundation for the marriage you will have years from now. Nurture your marriage. Simply decide that it is a priority for you.

Obviously, there will be times when a baby’s needs must come first—but in general, your marriage—and your husband—should be more important. Having a good marriage is a good, good thing for your children.

Making your marriage a priority is good for your kids as well as for your future. Your relationship with your husband can teach them a lot about security, love, compassion, and relationships. What kind of example do you want to give them? Do you want them to question their parents’ love and commitment to each other? I’m not sure I will ever be able to undo the relationship legacy I left for my children, although they are grateful to see a much better marriage for us now.

Resources to help you make marriage a higher priority

3. Learn to love your new body.

If you experienced pregnancy and delivery, your body will seem very different. Always remember that your body has done an amazing thing. It allowed you to participate in God’s act of creation. Your body grew another human. Embrace the wondrousness of this experience.

While it may be tempting to complain about what has changed, try to see those changes as signs of the amazing way God has designed you.

Know, too, that while you may be criticizing new curves or stretch marks, your husband may feel even more attracted to you than before. You had his baby, after all. What a wonderful way to show that you love him! The emotional connection he feels to you may be deeper than before.

Resources to help you learn to understand and love your body

4. Have compassion for your husband.

When I feel hurt or resentful, the best antidote is to seek to have compassion. This is especially true in my marriage.

Assume the best of your husband. Instead of allowing feelings of resentment to grow as I did, consider what it is like for him to be a father. He has new burdens and stresses just as you do. Think about what it is like to be in his shoes. Your frustration, tiredness, and burdens are valid and should be addressed—and the same is true for your husband’s feelings.

Consider something that you may not have to deal with: jealousy. Many new fathers find that they feel jealous of their own children. The attention and focus he used to enjoy from his wife is now bestowed on the baby. Guys feel guilty about this. They know, logically, that you are the only one who can nurse your baby. They understand that an infant has genuine needs that must be a high priority. But they still feel left-out. They still need their wives’ love—and because they may have an even deeper emotional attachment to you because you had their baby, their need for that love may be even more keen than it once was.

The very end of the opening for the late 1980s show thirtysomething shows this quite well.

Have the same compassion for your husband that you want him to have for you. The Golden Rule applies in marriage, too.

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12

Resources to help you have compassion for your husband

You are not alone.

Are you struggling with post-baby sex? You are not alone. I know it is hard and weird and sometimes overwhelming. Fortunately, it is something that you can work on and figure out.

Mending your sex life now will give you such a strong foundation for the rest of your marriage—and it will give your children a strong foundation as well.

Practical tips to help you manage sex when you have a baby

Figuring out your sex life after baby comes along will be good for your marriage and for your children.

Image credit | PublicCo at pixabay.com

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About Chris Taylor

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