My daughter made her first visit home from college this weekend. It got me thinking about my first semester in college in the early 80’s. At that point in my life, I decided that I was a peace activist. We were in the middle of an arms race, and I was convinced that nuclear war was imminent. My classmates would talk negatively about the USSR, and I would ask, “Why can’t we just all get along?” I went to a peace conference. I helped facilitate campus discussions. And I had buttons.
It’s been a long time since I’ve thought about nuclear war or the USSR, but my daughter’s visit inspired me to take a look at some of my own college memories. I chuckled at the “Bill and Opus in ’88” campaign button a friend made for me. I rolled my eyes and smiled at “Better active today than radioactive tomorrow” and “Freeze the nuclear arms race.” The buttons represent a woman who no longer exists.
The exception to that is the button that was my favorite: “Arms are for Embracing.” My friends and I went around claiming that a person needs seven hugs a day to be emotionally healthy. We hugged each other. We hugged our classmates. We hugged the woman who waited on us at our favorite restaurant. I have no idea if it’s true that we need seven hugs a day, but I believed in it. I just knew I would be a hugger for the rest of my life. Hugging made us happy and connected to each other. We embraced each other as we embraced the idealism we had at 18.
Twenty years later, I was married with kids. My sexual gate-keeping was in full swing. I no longer thought about freezing nuclear arms; I was too busy freezing my husband out of my arms. Every time I spurned my husband’s sexual advances, I turned away from him and the possibility of connection. What really puzzles me, though, is that I also turned my back on myself. How could I have turned away from a part of me that believed in the importance of embracing and connecting? How could I have turned away from myself?
Our sexuality was designed by God to be enjoyed with our husbands. When we turn away from sexual activity, we turn away from a part of what He made us to be. We turn away from ourselves. Why do we do that?
I was so wrapped up in not wanting to give my husband ideas about sex that I began to avoid even non-sexual physical contact with him. As a mom, I was getting plenty of hugs every day from the kids. But a hug from a child isn’t the same as a full embrace, the kind where you are wrapped in someone’s arms and held.
I lived many years without being embraced at all.
I don’t remember the occasion or even when it was during our journey to an improved marriage, but I do remember how it felt the first time I allowed myself to feel truly embraced by my husband after so many years of disconnection. I remember of feeling of my heart sinking into his, resting, my soul settling, finally at peace.
Yesterday was a difficult day. My husband and I argued multiple times. I was distressed. I went to bed, emotionally depleted. My husband got into bed and pulled me into his arms and just held me. I was fully embraced, and I could feel myself settle.
A lot has changed in the world since my first year of college. The need for connection and being held hasn’t. Something I deprived myself of for years has become a source of deep connection and comfort for me. Having my husband’s arms around me heals my heart.
Arms are for embracing. It’s still my favorite button.
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How sweet! I was not an activist thinker in the college days of the early 80s. My buttons read; Go Purdue, Beatles Love, London, Adam Ant. I was into the British scene….. Hugging and being fully embraced by your hubby is nourishing. I’m glad you are once again getting your daily recommended 7 hugs a day by Big Guy. And if not 7, then one really extraordinary hug that counts for 7. 🙂
I love this post. I did the same thing. Such a waste of many years.
Thank you for this inspiring post. I appreciate the encouragement to reach out as well as accept my husbands embrace. Many things change over years but it is a comfort to have the love and supportive embrace I feel in his arms. Thank you also for your honesty and voulnerablity when you tell of times you have failed to love as you should. We all fail at times but you help remind me to change and return to his loving arms. Thank you.
We all fail now and then. I’m so glad I’ve learned that my husband is still there for me, even when I mess up.
I’ve enjoyed your post. Much of what you post about yourself I see in me, too, and this post is no different (except for the college part).
Great post! You are right hugs can be great stress relievers. I feel some much bad energy bleed off me when Mrs. Rock gives me a firm loving hug.
I had a Bill -n- Opus for Prez T-shirt. What memories.
I long for physical touch from my wife so much that I now willing allow her to “thaw” her hands (she suffers from Raynaud’s phenomenon) on my back and chest when she comes in from outdoors. It is like have ice cubes on me, but I prefer that to less physical contact. One benifit is I get to embrace her in my arms while she is doing this.