The Unbroken Woman blog is hosting The Respect Dare. Starting July 10, participants will be using Nina Roesner’s The Respect Dare: 40 Days to a Deeper Connection with God and Your Husband as a guide, posting about their journey. And I will be doing it with you!
I have been transparent throughout this entire Respect Dare process. I have shared things that I didn’t even realize until the moment I wrote them. It may not come across, but I’ve been raw writing some of these posts.
But this one, I’m not sure I can be completely transparent. From the first time I heard that Jesus walked on water, I’ve had a really hard time with the story—not because I don’t believe it happened, but because Jesus’s response to Peter elicits some of my issues/troubles/quirks/challenges. I just don’t feel like getting into it right now—and maybe that’s good, because it means that I am finally getting tired of spending time in that swamp.
I struggled with some of my thoughts as I was working through the chapter, in relation to both the story used to frame the chapter and the Bible passage about Jesus walking on water.
- I don’t do things the way other Christians do, and I am torn between feeling inadequate and feeling freed in an individual relationship with God.
- I want the rules to make sense. When they don’t, I don’t know what to expect and I certainly don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
- I’m not comfortable being vulnerable, with God or with anyone else. The Dare asks me to ask God to create in me a soul that longs to be in His presence. I’m not sure I can do that. It’s a level of intimacy that frightens me in my mind. Then again, I suppose if I ask Him to create that desire in me, the fear will become less important. Right? I hope?
These thoughts can weigh me down. I get caught up in the cycle of I’m not good enough, I don’t get it, and I can’t do it. The shadows pull on me.
But there’s something that begins to shed light on these things: I know that God is real and that He sees me. I have never doubted the existence of God, but there have been many times in my life that I’ve doubted that He pays any attention to me.
As I look back over some of the ways He’s cared for our family, that doubt begins to fade. A few months ago, I had a series of incredibly powerful prayer experiences that were in-your-face communications from God. He wanted my attention, and He definitely got it. That light pushes the shadows away.
It occurs to me that the best thing I can do for my marriage and for my husband is to spend more time with God. It all seems to hinge on that. When it comes to the crux of things, shouldn’t a marriage really about helping our spouse develop a closer relationship with God?
But the shadows are still there, taunting me, reminding me of how many ways my marriage has been affected by all the issues I didn’t even realize I had. I still have so far to go.
Read these other bloggers to learn about their experiences with the Respect Dare:
The Respect Dare Blog (author Nina Roesner)