Dare 28: A Change of Spice

The Unbroken Woman blog is hosting The Respect Dare. Starting July 10, participants will be using Nina Roesner’s The Respect Dare: 40 Days to a Deeper Connection with God and Your Husband as a guide, posting about their journey. And I will be doing it with you!


I am all over this Dare. It’s about sex. I do sex!

At one point in my life, if I had gone through the Respect Dare process, this one would have stopped me cold in my tracks. I would have gone no further, as my thoughts would have been directed outward rather than inward: How dare some woman I don’t know presume to tell me that I’m supposed to have sex with my husband? Why does he get to decide what our sex life should be like? I would have been angry that a total stranger was trying to make me feel guilty about not having sex with my husband more.

A few years ago, I simply would not have been able to get past the idea that my husband should get any say in my sex life—and yes, that’s exactly how I would have perceived it. I would have resisted even thinking about the questions posed in the chapter. The Dare would have been done. I might’ve dug my heels in even more.

I didn’t realize then what sex means to most men in marriage. I didn’t realize then how much I benefited from our sexual intimacy. I didn’t realize then how much stronger our marriage is when we make time for each other and this special time of connection that God designed us to enjoy.

What I didn’t realize then . . . I absolutely know now. I resisted thinking about the very thing that I’ve come to realize is deeply important in my marriage.

And I wonder . . . what else do I not realize now that might be sitting there, waiting for me to learn? What do I resist now that might turn out to be important in my marriage as well? The attitude I had for so long about sex is representative of my attitude about so much else. Likewise, I suspect that the growth and transformation I’ve experienced in our sex life is representative of my growth and transformation in other areas of our marriage.

I am SO glad this Dare fell on the day I returned from a family campout with my kids. My husband and I have missed each other, so tonight will be a love-making of welcome and comfort. I think of his arms and how wonderful it will be to have them around me again. And as much as it’s about sex on one level, it will be about so much more than sex.

Women, if you’re following the Dare in some way, what challenges did you face in this Dare?

Read these other bloggers to learn about their experiences with the Respect Dare:

Unbroken Woman

My Beloved Is Mine!

Broken But Not Forgotten


The Respect Dare Blog (author Nina Roesner)

Image courtesy of Iamnee / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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8 Comments on “Dare 28: A Change of Spice”

  1. The challenge for me on this is my husband has almost ZERO sex drive. I will keep praying but I am feeling hopeless. It’s a challenge to not compare my marriage to the others I know and read about. It’s heart breaking and there is not a lot of support for us higher-drive wives out there.

    1. It is hard. We are in a season of our marriage when my drive is higher than my husband’s, so I’ve had a taste of this. I’m sorry to know you’re feeling hopeless. What have you tried so far regarding talking with your husband about it, checking for medical issues, and so on? I finally persuaded my husband to see the doctor to be tested for low testosterone. Since he began treatment, that has gotten somewhat better.

      What kind of support would be especially helpful for you and other higher-drive wives?

      1. Sadly I discovered our “difference” in drives on our honeymoon over 8 years ago. I am trying to think of something I have NOT tried. After years of me asking, he did finally get tested for low T and used a cream for a short while. Then he stopped. We did the “His Needs, Her needs” study after several years of me asking. We did the Love Languages study. He knows physical touch is my #1 love launguage. We have discussed our differences we have argued over them. The last time we did, he told me his performance is affected nw because he feels “pressure” from me. This has caused me to totally shut down and pull away from him.
        To answer your question about what type of support we need, I have to say I just don’t know at this time. Maybe just talking to other high drive wives and hearing how they deal with this issue would help? I had found one blog about this issue but she is not posting currently so I do not know where to look for other Christian wives with this issue. No one talks about sex in church, at least not mine, so I do not feel comfortable talking to my pastor or his wife. I do not wish to disrespect my husband in any way. I just need to know he loves me, hearing it is not enough.

        1. I can hear your heartache in your words. I wish we had more women blogging about being in this situation. Is there a pastor of a different church you could talk with, someone who doesn’t know your husband? If I run across any helpful sites or articles, I’ll share them with you here.

        2. SpicyWife, I’ve been married 24 years and have the same issue and love language. Unfortunately I don’t have any good advice. Over the course of our marriage, I’ve tried everything I can think of or read, I’ve talked until I was blue in the face. Granted my husband has other issues such as being a workaholic. He refuses to seek medical evaluation because nothing is wrong. Other than intimacy, we are so compatible and love each other like best friends.

          We’ve had two homes for a few years and decided recently to sell one. Myself and our two adult daughters moved to the new house while my husband is “maintaining” the other house until it is sold. He just put it on the market a few days ago. It’s like a legal separation. The kicker is that my husband thinks it’s great. He comes to the new house every few weekends to visit. We haven’t been intimate since March. I don’t know where this is headed but I was at my wit’s end two years ago and this may not end well considering the current living arrangement.

        3. Spicywife and Tonya, I am in the same situation. And I know there is nothing to be said because it may help in the moment then you go back to real life and the hurt is waiting for you like a slap in the face. I also followed Annebelle on spiceandlove.wordpress.com I wish she were still posting but I know she is going through something, so I understand and my prayers are with her. I wish I had a friend that I knew to talk to although it wouldn’t help much. My husband and I have an awesome marriage except this one part. But you know how they say that if your sex life is good you feel it’s not that important but f it’s lacking it becomes a huge problem…it’s so true, and while my husband is good man in this area he just doesn’t seem to care. He doesn’t care to do it, nor does he care that he knows it bothers me. I am done fighting or even talking about it with him because it does no good. I am out of idea’s and out of options, it’s in God’s hands and has been for awhile. I don’t know if there is a private way to share but if you would like a pen pal, I wouldn’t mind sharing my email. Maybe forgivenwife could share it in a private message (i have no clue lol). But I know how there are just times that you really really just need to have someone to vent to, someone that understands what you’re going through.

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