The Unbroken Woman blog is hosting The Respect Dare. Starting July 10, participants will be using Nina Roesner’s The Respect Dare: 40 Days to a Deeper Connection with God and Your Husband as a guide, posting about their journey. And I will be doing it with you!
Hallelujah! I totally rock this Dare! Husbands need to feel desired by their wives. I wrote about this a couple months ago in “I Want You.” My husband has absolutely no question that I desire him and want to have sex with him, frequently.
I even liked answering the questions in this Dare.
Am I comfortable initiating sex with my husband? Why or why not? Yes, because I love him and desire him and even when sex isn’t great, it’s good.
Have I ever initiated sex? When was the last time? Three times so far this week, including tonight–but he doesn’t know it yet. 🙂 (I ended up in urgent care with a horrible UTI and will probably be out of commission for a couple days in terms of having or expressing any desire.
If I have initiated sex in the past, how did my husband respond? How shall I say this? Um, with manly vigor? Yeah, that will work.
Why do I think I don’t initiate sex more frequently? I don’t want to break him. Seriously, I’ve been busy trying to get busy this week, but we’ll also go through stretches where I know he’s tired and I don’t want him to feel pressured.
What would indicate that I’ve made improvements in this area? According to Big Guy, no improvements are needed. J
It’s difficult for many women to understand how our sexual desire and response speak to our husbands. I think about a time recently when my husband came to where I was sitting on the front porch and offered to have a conversation about nothing in particular. “I missed you and thought it might be nice to just talk for a while.” It meant so much to me that he initiated a conversation–but I knew he was doing it for my sake and not because he wanted to have a conversation with me. But I don’t think a comparison to conversation quite captures it.
The closest I could come to initiating a few years ago was a quiet, “We could have sex if you wanted to.” Oh, how things have changed. Last month, I sent my husband a text message telling him I needed him to get upstairs to be my personal sex slave right away.
As my husband has dealt with employment ups and downs and has felt undesirable professionally many times, my desire for him as a man has been therapeutic. Ladies, go offer your husband some healing.
Meanwhile, I’m going to sit here and keep doing a happy dance because I got one right!
Read these other bloggers to learn about their experiences with the Respect Dare:
The Respect Dare Blog (author Nina Roesner)
I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
Please join me at Honeycomb & Spice.
Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
can you help me? what are some ways I can initiate sex to my husband? other than “I think we should have sex!” I am 21 and he is 24 and we are so young yet sometimes I feel we aren’t as “passionate” as we should be, or as we used to be.. I mean we used to be a lot crazier! now that we sleep together everrry night and its so available to him alllll the time he seems to want it less? this hurts me but is natural I guess.. will this get better over time?
Many men say that they do best with directness. instead of subtly scooting closer to him on the couch, grab him between the legs. Or unzip his pants and start doing something. Or say, “I want you.” And truly, “I think we should have sex” is perfectly fine!
There’s a great list of initiation suggestions at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum.
It’s normal to experience changes in sexual frequency, variety, and passion during different seasons of your life. Don’t concern yourself with what you think you should be doing at this age. If you are concerned because there seems to be less passion, share your concerns with your husband. What does he think?
I’ve asked him before and he thinks our sex life is fine from what I hear unless theres something he’s not telling me.. but something he said did bother me, – he was telling me how one of his guy friends (unmarried) said I cant wait to get married so I can make love to my wife everywhere all the time! Then one of my husbands married friends look at my husband and said “ha yeah right he doesn’t know does he” And my husband said he laughed and slightly went along with it but then thought to himself, no not really, my wife always makes herself available for me whenever. (this made me happy) I said yeah but it is true, people assume you just have sex all the time and its crazy and passionate! But life sets in and really you don’t have sex as often for whatever reason.. he proceded to say, I think for me the only reason is im just too tired.. I said oh.. well how come before we were married (engaged) its all you thought about and (im being vulnerable here.. but we did unfortunately have sex before marriage and have repented to God about it) you always always wanted it! It’s like all he thought about and I felt so desired by him.. his response was well, that’s because satan temps you during that time and makes you think you have to have it because he knows its not good for your future sex life – but now I can see, wow I really could have gone a long time without it! (OUCH) wow this really hurt me.. I didn’t know how to respond.. I just gave him a kiss and went to sleep but I am deeply hurt by this..
I probably would have felt hurt, too–although he might not have meant it how it sounded. It would be worth an outside-the-bedroom conversation sometime, to tell him how you felt when he said that. The fact that he’s too tired is worth exploring more, though. Has something changed with his schedule? Has he spoken to a doctor? He is still a young man, and if there is a dramatic change in his energy or level of desire, he should get checked out in case there is a medical issue.
Honestly we have both been so extremely involved in church and leading small groups, and my husband is in ministry school and wants to work in a church so badly one day that he will say yes to everything and be at everything. on one hand im grateful but sometimes I wish he would just think to himself, tonight im going to say no to them because I need to go home and have sex with my wife. that sounds so needy of me but I don’t know that’s the only thing, I wonder sometimes why he can stay awake watching tv or stay at church until midnight but when we’re home in bed at 11pm hes “too tired?” that’s why I feel is there something we are lacking? Am I not being sexually desireable enough? sometimes I wonder if its hard for him to turn off the switch of me being his sweet cute godly spiritual wife and just look at me as sexy! …. I am unaware if it is me or him at this point
Your marriage should be your husband’s first ministry. I know it’s hard when I see a need at church that I could address, but I’m not the one God is calling to do everything. Your husband is not going to know there’s a need for him to work on doing better unless you share your heart with him. That doesn’t mean nagging, but it does mean that you say something like, “Husband, our decrease in sex makes me feel undesirable. I need to be with you more often. How can we fix this?” God designed you to feel the need to be with your husband sexually, so “needy” is not a bad thing here. 🙂
Your husband sounds worn out, and sex does take energy that sitting in front of the television doesn’t. Are there some boundaries the two of you could set now that will serve your marriage as you continue forward in service?
ps- I am so very thankful of you taking time to read and respond! wow I have really needed someone to talk to about this
You’re welcome. We all need someone to talk to sometimes, and talking face-to-face about sex can feel a little awkward, can’t it?
yes unfortunately 🙁 Because of sin it has been made out to be a perverted thing but I just still feel like after 7 months of marriage, I still have not experienced sex “the way God desires it” will I ever? I too struggle with feeling like God can not bless our sex life married because of our pasts. We have canceled television service, maybe that will give more time, I know I need to stop looking to myself to fix the problem and look to God, maybe over time and with faithful prayer God will reignite us and our passion for each other, I have tried to initiate sex with my husband before and though he is very sweet, I have been turned down, so initiating does not seem to be in my near future, I feel too rejected and embarrassed. I just wish my husband could make me feel as desired as I feel I make him feel..
Hello nallie!
I wish my husband could sit down with your husband and have a good man to man conversation. We will be married 20 years in August and we started in ministry one week after we were married, while we were both in college with my husband getting his Bible and Pastoral degree.
One of the biggest issues we had, on his part, was his time management. I always said it was tricky because how does one separate their relationship/devotion to God verses their “work” which is “God’s work”? It seemed like I was at the bottom of his priority list. All. The. Time. There was always someone who needed help, someone who needed “saved”, some “good” thing to do, while I was waiting at home and eventually four kids were waiting at home too. I often referred to it as his “savior complex”. It took him 11 years to really wake up to the fact that him putting his ministry and others first was wrong and that he was losing his family because of it. I had often said, “If my husband would be happy doing any other type of work, I would walk away from vocational ministry in a heartbeat.” Praise Jesus that God worked on my heart and I no longer feel that way.
Unlike you, I was not a willing wife at home. I easily turned from a gatekeeper to a refuser, in part, in the hope that it would wake him up to “act better”. I often had the thoughts about the reputation PK kids had, and how they so often turned away from the church and God. When dad is not around and is very neglectful of his family, who wants a Father like that? My kids’ salvation’s could be at stake because of their dad’s negligence. That alone kept me fighting for my family and not letting pressure up on my husband when his priorities were so far off. (Of course I did not always handle it right and I did too much nagging, did some “tit for tat”, and was angry a lot. I do wish I would have had some support to encourage me and help me through those tough years in my life, but ministry can be a lonely life and I had no true friends around where I could just be me. Praise Him for being a God who redeems, makes all things new, and makes all things work together for the good. He is faithful!)
I agree with Chris that his first ministry is to his family. If you look in Scripture God ordained the family way before He did the church. Is there a mentor, who’s been in ministry for some time, that he could meet with and talk to him? Is he willing to read up on things? The book that really woke my husband up to what he was doing and made him realize it was okay to say “no” and put boundaries up with his ministry was a message by Andy Stanley which was based off of his book “Choosing to Cheat” which is now under the new title “When Work & Family Collide: Keeping Your Job from Cheating Your Family “. This was a LIFE CHANGER for him and for us, and my husband can’t recommend it highly enough, especially to those in the ministry. Get the book, or search Andy Stanley and “choosing to cheat” and you might even be able to find a message to listen to.
My heart goes out to you, and I am praying for you and your husband now.
Janna,
Wow thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I wish they could sit and talk too! My husband always says his wife is His first ministry but his actions show otherwise sometimes but I know God will work on that and his heart. Us being in ministry is Both our passions but you saying it’s lonely makes me so nervous… please keep my family in your prayers and I am so thankful your husband found that book and woke up to many things he didn’t know! We will def have to get it
I don’t want to make you nervous. 🙂 God always supplies what you need. We’ve been in three different churches and the one we have been in these past 7+ years I have found a couple of wonderful friends and a nice place I can be me, which happens to be with a group outside of our church. It may have to do with the fact we are now in the city rather than a small town. TOTALLY different cultures.
There are some wonderful blessings to devoting ones life to vocational ministry, one of the greatest for us has been witnessing and experiencing how personal and awesome God truly is. When we have felt alone, when we have been desperate, He has come through for us over and over. He is our Defender, our Refuge, our Comforter, our Great Physician. How can I NOT serve Him, praise Him and lift His holy name!?!
I am sorry I am not a lot of help on the sex issue, but let me share this… back in our earlier years there was a stigma around pastors, ministers, etc, needing counseling. Was it our own pride, the small communities we were a part of, just the times, or a combination? One of our biggest regrets was we did not get help. We did not reach out to get marriage counseling or even to have someone mentor us where we could have someone helping work through the issues we faced. There was probably some fear there too, when the pastor is struggling with porn and other sexual issues, many “Christians” aren’t real grace filled and there was a fear of being “kicked out” of ministry or his preaching position. If I can save you some heartache by encouraging you to reach out together now to some mentors, or a counselor if you have no mentors available, so that you can get your foundation strong to build the rest of your marriage on..DO IT. It took us 17 1/2 years to finally try to work on our marriage, we had to “burn down” our old marriage structure, relaying a new and strong foundation that has lead us to the best two years of our marriage EVER.
Marriage is hard. Ministry is hard. Put that together under the microscope of others looking on, it is a burden we can’t carry, and aren’t meant to carry. Jesus. Jesus is the only way.
I wish this was over a warm drink (sorry, I am not a coffee drinker, but I enjoy a Chai latte!) rather than over the internet. I would tuck you right under these mother hens wings. My husband has really been getting a heart to help and encourage other pastors because so many are broken and lonely themselves, and they are burning out. I pray that God will bring into your life, or reveal to you someone who is already there, someone (or 2) who can walk beside you and your husband as a friend who encourages, as a teacher who disciples, as a coach who pushes you past what is comfortable, but more importantly as a brother and sister in Christ who is a fellow runner in this race, who is striving themselves as to win the prize.