Do You Communicate in a Way That Works?

When our husbands do something for us in order to get something, it’s pretty easy to point out that it isn’t very loving.

But how often are we guilty of the same thing?

How often do we treat our husbands in a particular way in order to get what we want? Do our words and actions communicate in a way that truly works for our marriage?

Does it really work?

I’m embarrassed to admit that during our difficult season, I sometimes used sex in order to get what I wanted. If I wanted my husband to do something for me, I would sometimes have sex so he would feel obligated afterward to do what I wanted. I used to think of this as a win-win scenario because we both got something we wanted.

Why? Because it worked. I got what I wanted, and so did he.

I’ve had several conversations with other women about how we interact with our husbands regarding family and household responsibilities. What I hear from a lot of women is that we don’t like to treat our husbands like children (such as giving them a chore list or reminding them of upcoming or undone tasks)—but that we sometimes do it anyway.

Why? Because it works. If I treat my husband like a child and he then does what I want, it’s easy to say that treating him like a child works.

But does it really?

When I treat my husband a certain way in order to get what I want, I may get what I want.

It’s true that it may work in terms of getting the specific result that I am looking for. However, this kind of approach can work against our marriage in the long run.

To determine whether something works for the marriage or against it, it’s useful to consider three things: our goals, the spiritual fruit it yields, and our integrity.

Goals

Our primary goal in marriage should be intimacy—to grow in oneness with each other and with God.

Every time I ask my husband to do something, or to do something in a particular way, the most important question I can ask is this: Will this help us grow closer to each other and to God?

“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Matthew 19:6

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:31-32

If I do something for my husband only so he is willing to then do something for me, I may accomplish what I want—but I may be working against intimacy and oneness in the long run. When my husband used to pour me a bubble bath so I would have sex with him, sure, we might have sex—but my resentment and my feelings of being valued only for sex tore away at the intimacy rather than building it up.

When I nag at him to get a chore accomplished, the chore may get done—but if I’ve treated him like a child rather than my life partner along the way, he may feel disrespected and I may feel like I don’t have a true partner. I’ve put a barrier in the way of our oneness.

Furthermore, focusing on what I want rather than on what is best for our marriage values myself more than my marriage or my husband.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves . . . Philippians 2:3

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10

If our approach to making something happen gets in the way of the goal of intimacy in our marriage, then our approach may seem to work—but the full truth is that it works against us.

Fruit

We also should consider the fruit of our actions. What we do continues to grow. What will it grow into?

Will my actions and words build my husband up?

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

I do most of the cooking these days, and I consider the kitchen to be my domain. It’s easy for me to think mainly of my right to have things in the kitchen my way. But having the right to it doesn’t mean it is beneficial.

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. 1 Corinthians 10:23

If my husband does something differently than I want him to, my instinct is to criticize: “No, don’t do it that way.” “Don’t put that there.” “Why am I having to tell you this again?” This is an area where I still need to do a lot of work. The fruit of these kinds of words is that he feels torn down rather than built up.

Frequent words of criticism can make anyone feel like they’re incompetent or just not good enough. Is this really how I want my husband to feel about himself?

If I am always getting after my husband about something he’s done wrong or about something he hasn’t done at all, will that foster resentment in him? Will it lead to resentment or bitterness in me?

Likewise, if I give my husband what he wants only to get what I want in return, I’ve planted seeds that can grow into a view that our marriage is simply an exchange of services, that we do things in return rather than as gifts of love or signs of commitment.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

If something works in the short term but tears down rather than builds up, or if it works for now but leads to a sense of separateness later, it is not yielding good fruit.

Do our actions and words lead to more love, joy, peace, and kindness in our marriage? Do they plant seeds that grow good fruit?

Integrity

My words and actions toward my husband should reflect my walk with Christ.

Big Guy used to tell our children, “Do the right thing even if no one is watching. Stand up for what is right even if you’re the only one standing.”

In other words, do the right thing—even if no one else will know or if no one else thinks it’s a big deal.

When I used to use sex as a reward or a motivation for my husband, I thought it was a win-win scenario. I got what I wanted, and he got what he wanted.

It was still wrong. I was manipulating him. Even if he hadn’t minded, it would have been wrong.

God commands us to treat others as we would have them treat us. He says that when it is within our power to do good that is what we should do. We are to love each other, be kind and compassionate, and forgive.

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12

Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act. Proverbs 3:27

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. John 15:12

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

In response to God’s love for me, I should do what He tells me is right and holy to do.

If something is out of line with how I should act as a Christian, then it isn’t something I should be doing, even if it does seem to work.

Make Sure It Works

We should be able to communicate with our husbands about what we want. It’s important that we pay attention to how we communicate.

As tempting as it is to do things in a way that seems to work, we need to look at the bigger picture.

Ask yourself these questions about how you are communicating:

• Will this strengthen our intimacy?
• Will this yield good fruit in our marriage?
• Does this reflect the heart God calls me to have?

If you aren’t answering “yes” to all these questions, then your approach might not be working as well as you think it is.

Image credit | kabaldesch0 at pixabay.com