When I began to intentionally change some of my sexual interactions with my husband, there was part of me that expected him to jump up and cheer, do whatever I asked, and basically worship the ground I walked on. After all, I was finally trying to give him what he’d been asking me for for years. Shouldn’t he be rejoicing or something?
Instead, what I got was, well, the same guy I’d had for years. He didn’t change any of his behavior. How was that possible? Didn’t he know what was happening? (I suspect that he was just afraid to do anything differently at all because he’d finally happened upon something that was working for us, even though he didn’t know what it was.) Because his behavior wasn’t changing in ways that I could see, I assumed there was nothing at all changing within him—and I figured that everything he was doing was for the same reasons I’d thought before I started making changes.
One of my issues before changing was that any time my husband did anything out of the ordinary around the house, I assumed he was trying to get sex. So in order to head this off at the pass, I would sometimes complain about how he’d done the chore or about something he should’ve done instead. This way, I was preventing him from developing any sexual expectations of me. You know—the best defense is a good offence, right?
After I began to make changes and become more sexually generous, I found that it still took me time to relearn how to perceive my husband’s actions. At the time, I wasn’t even aware that I was still assuming that he unloaded the dishwasher only to get sex. Without even thinking, my response was just as it always had been—to pick a fight in some way.
I remember thinking many times, “I am finally working so hard at our relationship. Why doesn’t he see? Why are we still fighting all the time?” I was experiencing an internal conflict between the intentional efforts I was making and the habits that had become rooted in me over a period of years. My response to this conflict was to look for occasions when I could justify resorting to my more familiar behavior that led to no sex.
At some point, it occurred to me that the generosity I was aiming for in our sexual intimacy needed to extend to other areas of our relationship as well. I could just try extending him some grace during this time when he was learning to live with my sexual changes. I had learned to pause, breathe, and think when he initiated sexual contact, so I decided I could learn to pause, breathe, and think when he did something else that elicited a negative reaction within me.
As I forced myself to reboot my reactions and assumptions, I began to see my husband through new eyes. I could see that when he unloaded the dishwasher, he was doing it because he loved me and was trying to help out with our home and family. It filled me with love and I ended up wanting to provide the sex I used to assume he was after in the first place.
I read emails from women who tell me how frustrated they are that their husbands are still doing some of the things that distressed them before they stopped refusing. Sisters, I’ve been there. I get it. But try extending some grace to give him space to adjust to having this new and improved version of you.
And perhaps you’ll discover that it hasn’t been his behavior that was the problem after all. Maybe it was your assumptions and reactions all along. Extend some grace. See him with new eyes. Open your eyes and your heart and maybe you’ll discover you’re living with a different man than you thought you were all this time.
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When I found this web site.a.few.weeks.ago I thought, “ok – another interesting site.” It is much more insightful than I expected. Most every post makes me think a bunch about what it has to say. Great job.
Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words.
I used to do the same thing with money. I am a (was a?!) controlling CPA. I do our books for our house and business. My husband cares very little about money and I was raised to care way too much about it. I felt that if my husband thought I was okay with him spending whatever he wanted that he would spend all of our money on boats, cars, watches, whatever (kind of like you may have thought if you always said yes, your husband would want sex constantly. And then there’s the control that it gives you to insist on certain behavior). So, like you with pre-sex disrespect, I would “punish” my husband constantly so he wouldn’t spend. I questioned everything and constantly made him feel like his decisions were poor and even made him feel our business wasn’t doing that well (he never really even looked and it had its low points that he did need to be more conscious of) hoping he’d feel like he couldn’t spend anything. It was a miserable existence and I was doing the total opposite of what would build up our marriage or my walk with God-namely to give him control of the money (and release it to God) AND to build him up about his decisions and business successes. As soon as I started to submit and give this area up and encourage him, our marriage (and our finances) were blessed beyond measure. But I’m just seeing this “punishment” thing you’re talking about as something that I bet every woman is doing in some area. It’s a great thing for all of us to think about. Where are we disrespecting our husbands to directly manipulate them in another area?
Good question!
For me, more sex did not significantly change what I did for my wife, but it sure made it a whole lot easier to do things. IOW, I had been doing much of what I should, but I had to really push at times because I didn’t really feel it.
As time went on, I started doing more, because I had the emotional energy to do more. I’m sure it was barely perceptive, but later looking back we can both see it.
BTW, your comment on being afraid to change is dead on. If he has no idea why things changed, he is terrified of “messing it up”!
“As time went on, I started doing more, because I had the emotional energy to do more. I’m sure it was barely perceptive, but later looking back we can both see it.”
We’ve found this same thing. The growth in intimacy made everything else in the marriage easier.