“I hate sex.”
I said it to myself, and I said it to my husband. I. Hated. Sex.
I didn’t like lots of things about sex. The illusion of intimacy that it seemed to give my husband. The tension that permeated every moment of the day. The arguments we would have about sex. The fact that he was the one who was unhappy with our sex life, but I was the one who was expected to change. The thought that no matter what I did in a sexual encounter, it wouldn’t be enough. The feeling of my body being invaded when my heart was already hurting. The mess.
The prospect of an orgasm was not enough to cancel all this out. (By the way, research backs this up in saying that “fulfillment of sexual desire is an uncommon reason/incentive for sexual activity for many women.”)
I often thought I would be happy if Big Guy and I never had sex again.
I hated sex.
If you hate sex, . . .
I know some of you feel the same way. You hate sex.
If you’ve landed on my blog, I’m going to assume that you recognize that your feelings about sex are a problem in some way. Hating sex isn’t good for you, and it isn’t good for your marriage. You may not want to like sex, exactly, but you want to learn how to hate sex a little less.
Is this post for you?
- If you experience physical pain with sex, this post is not for you. Seek treatment from a doctor. Painful sex gives you trauma to deal with. Having sex that hurts makes sex even more difficult to work on.
- If you have unhealed past sexual trauma (such as from sexual abuse or sexual assault), this post is not for you. Your feelings and thoughts about sex are intertwined with deep wounds. Seek healing for those wounds, and let a trained counselor help you rebuild your views about sex.
- If your husband is in unrepentant sin against you, this post is not for you. If he continues to view porn without recognizing that it affects you, if he abuses or controls you, or if he uses scripture to show you your failings as a wife without also working to be a better husband, he is in unrepentant sin against you. If that is the case, changing your views about sex is not the solution to the problems you see in your marriage.
- This post IS for you if you truly believe that your view of sex contributes negatively to your marriage and you think that changing your views can make a positive difference.
As a wife who used to hate sex and now enjoys it, I’d like to share some things that helped me on the journey to change how I thought about sex.
1. Focus on what you do enjoy.
I remember lying there during sex making myself pay attention to what I like. I hate sex, I would think, but I like the fact that Big Guy is paying attention to me right now. I hate sex, but I like the strength in his arms. I hate sex, but I like that he still likes my body.
The basic idea is that what we pay attention to matters. When we look for positive things, we start to see those things more easily. I found several things I could like about the experience of having sex, and I focused on those things. Eventually they helped me look forward to sex.
2. Pay attention to the physical in order to get out of your head.
When I hated sex, all I could think about when I was having sex was how much I hated it. When I couldn’t manage to focus on positive thoughts, I often found it helpful to pay closer attention to what my body was experiencing.
Instead of allowing myself to think I hate sex, I would mentally narrate what was happening with my body: He is touching my breasts. I feel a tingle between my legs. I like that feeling. Describing what my body was experiencing shifted my attention from my general feeling about sex to my actual in-the-moment sexual experience.
3. Relax your body.
Negative thoughts about sex over a period of years had trained my body to tense up during sex. A tense body made sex uncomfortable and awkward for both of us, and that made my negative thoughts even worse.
Retraining my body to relax during sex interrupted this cycle. I found that slow deep breaths were very helpful. I also used progressive relaxation (tensing the muscles in my feet, then in my ankles, then in my calves, and so on).
4. Don’t think about sex outside the bedroom (unless you’re thinking good thoughts).
Once I stopped hating sex, thinking about sex throughout the day was a good way to build up my anticipation. Before then? Nope. It just made me tense and worried to wonder if Big Guy was going to ask me for sex or to realize that it had been a while since we’d had sex and I probably should just suck it up and do it.
I told myself that it was hard enough to have to deal with sex while it was happening. I wasn’t going to let the prospect of sex steal my joy during the rest of the day, too. However, when I did have a positive thought or memory about sex during the day, I would intentionally dwell on it.
5. Embrace your sexuality.
My sexuality was tangled up with all sort of negative thoughts and feelings. I carried around a load of shame and guilt from my past sexual sins. I didn’t like my body. My relationship with my sexuality and my body were a big part of why I hated sex.
I made a decision to actively push out the negative thoughts and lies I believed about sex and sexuality. I paid attention to sexual sensations and thanked God for giving me my body. Instead of resenting my husband’s sexual interest in me, I decided to revel in how much my sexuality affected him. I tried to enjoy how powerful that made me feel. I made myself stand in front of the mirror to learn to know—and, eventually, admire—the womanliness of the body God had given me.
6. Look for non-sexual ways to connect with your husband.
My emotional connection with my husband had a huge impact on my views about sex. Looking for ways to strengthen this connection helped me think less negatively about sex.
I looked for opportunities for conversation about something other than the kids and money. I would sometimes read him a brief article and ask him what he thought. (I chose articles about topics I didn’t feel strongly about, because I didn’t want to be tempted to start an argument.) Feeling connected even in small ways helped ward off some of the “I hate sex” feelings.
One day at a time
God gave us our sexuality to connect and unite us with our husbands. It truly is a gift—yet I hated this gift for a long time.
I feel so sad writing this post. It’s exhausting to think about the mental gymnastics I used to have to go through to have sex. Sex shouldn’t have to feel that way.
I’m sad for all the years when I could have been enjoying sex and my marriage.
I’m sad for all the women who feel this way now.
Before I could learn to enjoy sex, I first had to learn not to hate it. Just about every day, I had to work on my thoughts about sex. At first it was hard—but the more I did it, the easier it became.
If you want to learn to hate sex less, you may wonder if it is even possible.
I want to encourage you to believe that it IS possible. Be persistent, and give yourself some grace when you slip up.
One day, you may be surprised to realize that not only do you not hate sex, you actually enjoy it. I pray for you to experience that.
Image credit | Optimusius1 at pixabay.com
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Chris,
This is a courageous post.
The one thing that always defines ordinary intimacy into a more fulfilling is whenever you include emotional connection into the equation.
You have stated a few times the need for spouses to pursue “connection”. I think there are many that understand what it is or think they have “mentally” surrendered, but it was short lived as they later discovered it was infatuation or other forms emotional support that had nothing to do with mental surrendering that is mutual.
I think what is really lacking is young couples not being mentored growing up to understand what it means to be emotionally connected, because their own parents weren’t connected. They either grew up, with parents that bickered or simply didn’t communicate or later split up, or stayed together because “they had to”.
Connection isn’t as complicated as I use to think it was. It starts off with having an intelligent conversation between the couple to agree that when there is a disagreement to catch each and say “lets remain calm, we can get through this” and realize they will discover solutions without verbally colliding as you know stimulates the mind.
I wish we discovered connection sooner.
I will say we are having connection conversations with our adult kids as they enter into marriage. Hopefully they will grasp and understand that how we communicate with our spouses matter. (and people in general) The majority of the time we don’t need to get upset trying to express our views as we discover one another’s comfort zones outside the bedroom.
Connection might look different from one couple to the next–but I think it is so important for a couple to figure out what it means for them and pursue it. I’m glad to know you are helping your kids learn about this.
Wow, so much of this post resonates with me. I bet it resonates with a lot of women.
I didn’t start out hating sex but when life started becoming extremely stressful, I began to see it as another added stressor in my life. It became a burden. I’ve been stuck there for quite a few years. Not hate, just an unejoyable burden.
We’ve never argued about sex, but I know he has disappointment and sadness revolving around my emotional disconnection around sex. I feel nothing but guilt because sex doesn’t do much for me. It’s mostly for him. At some point in our marriage (I haven’t pin pointed the exact moment yet), sex became more work than pleasure.
I have never pursued sex for the prospect of an orgasm. Foreign thought for me.
What I’ve tried so far:
I quit taking his sex drive personally. I put it back on him. I look at it as a physical drive that really only has to do with me when he directs it toward me. It’s almost like I’ve disassociated his sex drive from him. That probably sounds counter productive, maybe it is, but it has helped me deal with his need for sex in less negative way.
Scheduling sex helps relieve the tension around when he might be wanting sex. I can relax on the days we aren’t having sex and he knows he will have regular sexual encounters. I have time, in between, to think positive thoughts, psych my self up emotionally and try to get my body prepared. This also takes care of your number 4, it forces me to think only good thoughts.
1. Focus on what you do enjoy. That has helped a lot. Concentrating on good smells, just being close, it’s time for just us and the fact that he feels better has helped me be a little more present.
2. Pay attention to the physical. This, I’m having a hard time with because sexual touch has become somewhat off putting. I’m post menopausal and that’s when I started not liking to be touched sexually. So this is a hard one. If I pay attention to the physical, I start to disengage and want to protect myself. This also doesn’t help with your number 3, relaxation. I just can’t relax if I’m being touched in certain places or certain ways.
5. Embrace your sexuality. This one is also difficult. I grew up a Tomboy. I was never into feminine, frilly, girly, sexy stuff. Jeans and a tee shirt. Horses and dogs. The closest I can get to feeling sexy or sexual is when my body feels healthy. I’ve been working on the healthy sexual aspect. It seems to help a little.
6. Look for non sexual ways to connect with you husband. Bingo! We are pretty good at this and it does indeed help motivate me to work on 1-5 much more.
Obviously I have a long way to go. I’ve been working on making sex better for us for years now. Why does this have to be so hard? I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the Enjoyment factor of sexual intimacy, but I have found it’s not quite as much of a burden as it once was. Sometimes, I even look forward to it.
Thank you for the post. It helps to not feel so alone and it helps with staying motivated. I can’t tell you how often I’ve been ready to just quit sex all together.
I don’t know why it is so hard–but sometimes it just is. It is worth working through the difficulty, and I’m glad you are seeing some progress.