Hurt Feelings Don’t Have to Mean No Sex

 

I have a sensitive heart. I have lots of feelings, and I feel them deeply. One of the downsides of this is that my feelings are easily hurt.

I know that my husband never wants to hurt me—but nonetheless I still get my feelings hurt from time to time. Even with the knowledge that his intention wasn’t to hurt me and even though he apologizes for having hurt my feelings, it is still really hard for me to step out of those feelings and into his arms.

During the difficult years of our marriage, my feelings were hurt a LOT. Big Guy was having his own experiences feeling hurt, and it would be expressed in anger, frustration, or thoughtless words to match my own. The expression “hurt people hurt people” was a good description of us.

It used to be such a struggle, even after I began to work on sex. Big Guy didn’t like the disconnection between us any more than I did. When he knew he had hurt me, he yearned to experience a connection with me—and for him, the most meaningful and powerful connection was through sex. I, however, didn’t know how to be vulnerable enough to have sex when I was feeling emotionally wounded.

In my head, I knew it would help us. I understood that sex can be a means of reconciliation after a disagreement or a hurt. Over time, I even was able to look back at previous experiences and know how much those post-hurt sexual encounters had soothed the discord between us.

I also was aware of things that would help me generate interest in sex even when I didn’t really feel like having sex. I knew what I should do.

Despite understanding why sex would be helpful and knowing how to get my mind in the mood, when my feelings were hurt, it was hard for me to do what I knew would be good.

I had to remind myself of three important principles:

1. My feelings are not truth.

2. My feelings aren’t the only feelings in our marriage that matter.

3. God is with me.

My feelings are not truth.

My feelings are an emotional response to an experience. They are not the truth—or at least not the full truth.

Big Guy might say something like, “I’m going to watch TV.” My lifelong feelings of low worth dragged me from “I’m going to watch TV” to “TV is more important than you are” to “You don’t matter at all.” While I would feel that the truth was that I didn’t matter to my husband, the actual truth was that he was telling me he was going to watch TV.

Those who trust in themselves are fools, but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe. Proverbs 28:26

Since I’d been learning to be more self-aware as part of my efforts to address sex, I was usually able to recognize when my feelings were getting the better of me. I would say to myself, I feel hurt by what Big Guy said. That doesn’t mean that Big Guy hurt me. His words evoked a hurt feeling I already had. I reminded myself that he loved me and that he didn’t want to hurt me.

That is, I acknowledged my hurt and why his words had been upsetting to my heart at the same time as I reminded myself of the truth that my head knew.

The reminder that my feelings are not the truth was often enough to give me the perspective I needed to be open to having sex.

My feelings aren’t the only feelings in our marriage that matter.

Big Guy had feelings, too—especially when he saw that my feelings were hurt. He sometimes felt failure as a husband, insecurity about my love and respect for him, inadequacy, and so on. After all, he’s a good man, and good men don’t want to cause hurt feelings in their wives. His feelings were just as valid as mine were.

Thinking about my husband’s feelings helped me step out of the muck of my own feelings. It moved me from self-centeredness toward us-centeredness. It made it easier for me to put Philippians 2:3-4 into practice:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:3-4

One of the good things about having a sensitive heart is that when I feel compassion, I feel it deeply. Recognizing my husband’s feelings filled me with compassion for him, and that went a long way toward helping me feel loving toward him rather than hurt by him.

Big Guy is a child of God, just as I am. Thinking of him that way melted my heart in just the right way.

God is with me.

The most important principle that helped me move past my hurt feelings to connect with my husband is that I have God’s help.

I used to think that the only way to be able to have sex was to ignore my hurt feelings. Reaching out to God was a good reminder that I don’t have to be brave and strong and ignore my feelings. God gives me strength to acknowledge both my feelings and my husband’s in order to reach out for the intimacy available to us in the marriage bed.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

My sensitivity is a gift.

At first, it was hard for me to remember all these principles in the moments of feeling hurt–but every time, it became easier and more automatic.

My heart is still as sensitive as ever—but it doesn’t feel hurt nearly as often as it used to. More important, when my feelings are hurt, they don’t get in the way of restoring my connection with Big Guy. These principles have become so ingrained in me that I barely have to think of them anymore when I am trying to move past my hurt to connect with my honey.

God created me to be someone with sensitive feelings. I used to think my sensitivity was a burden—but I have come to realize that my sensitivity and feelings are part of the gift I give to my husband, both in and out of the marriage bed.  When my feelings are hurt, I feel so vulnerable—but that openness in my vulnerability makes the intimacy between us so sweet for both of us.

What about you?

Some kinds of hurt are a righteous hurt that is a response to abuse, betrayal, lying, or other on-going and unrepentant sin by a husband. If you carry that kind of hurt, then this post isn’t going to be helpful to you.

If you are trying to learn not to let your feelings control you in general, you aren’t ready for what I have to say here.

But if you find yourself experiencing hurt feelings that get in the way of sexually connecting with your husband, you might see if these principles can help you learn to move past your feelings in order to embrace intimate connection with your husband:

1. Your feelings are not truth.
2. Your feelings aren’t the only feelings in tour marriage that matter.
3. God is with you.

See these other posts for more ideas on dealing with feelings in your marriage.

• Why I Have Sex When I’m Upset with My Husband
• Do Your Feelings Control  Your Marriage?
• How to Have Sex When You Don’t Really Feel Like It
• Overcome the Power of Your Feelings
• A Husband’s Emotional Need
• The Power of “And”

 

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