When I posted surveys a couple months ago about women receiving oral sex, I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I wrote an introductory post about it. Seven hundred survey respondents later, I had a clear indication that my initial thoughts were pretty much on target.
Yet I’ve sat on these survey results, unable to write about them, unable to even remember what I wanted to say. I can write about how wives can learn to give oral sex to their husbands (here and here and here and here), so why can’t I write about wives receiving oral sex from them?
Every time I’ve tried to write this post, I’ve gotten to a point where my internal dialogue has gotten the better of me.
I know I said I would write about receiving oral sex, but can I really do that? If I say that, doesn’t that mean everyone will know that I have, well, had it? What will they think of me? Is it okay for me to say that? No, maybe not. But no one would give a second thought to a male writer who announced, “Oh, yeah, I love getting oral. It’s the best, and my wife is great at it.” So why do I think it would be less acceptable for me to say the same kind of thing? Why do I seem to think it’s okay for a man to enjoy receiving pleasure and not for a woman? What is my problem?
Well, it turns out that my problem may be the same thing behind a lot of women not being comfortable receiving oral sex.
In fact, women may be less comfortable than men even thinking about it. Of my 702 survey respondents, 61% were men. How is it possible that men are more interested than women in participating in a survey about women’s pleasure? On a recent Marriage Bed survey about oral sex (for both men and women), 70% of the respondents were men.
What do women say?
Let’s take a look at what women say about oral sex for them. We’ll start with some numbers.
- 78% said that their husbands initiated oral sex. Only 22% of women ask for it.
- More than 80% of the women surveyed indicated that they don’t like their husbands to perform oral sex on them.
- The primary reason given is self-consciousness about the smell and/or taste. (This topic will become a post of its own.)
- The next most common reason given is that we don’t like to have all the attention on us . . .
- . . . closely followed by body image issues.
When asked to share about their views and experiences receiving oral sex, in addition to concern about their smell/taste, women cited difficulty relaxing and concerns about a husband’s expectation of reciprocation.
- “My husband is always very willing, but sometimes I can’t relax enough to enjoy it.”
- “There is shame associated with sex and having all the attention on me makes it worse.”
- “Sometimes I want him to stop because I want to orgasm with PIV [penis-in-vagina intercourse] instead and he doesn’t stop right away. It makes me feel like it’s not about me, like it’s about him being in control and about what he wants, his ego.”
- “I feel obligated to return the favor. I don’t enjoy performing oral sex on him.”
- “I am so uptight when he’s giving me oral sex, even though he’s not hurting me, that I can’t relax enough to orgasm. Yet, I think he expects it to be an easy way for me to do so.”
- “My husband once mentioned to me that he would like it if I would shave some of my pubic hair. I had always associated that kind of shaving with kinkiness and felt that his request was either that or an affront to my personal hygiene, especially since I’d never heard of “good girls” doing such things.”
- “I’ve only let him do it once. Surprisingly I had an orgasm but I just can’t bring myself to let him down there.”
- “It can be hard to receive, even if you feel okay about your body.”
Many women said extremely positive things about receiving oral sex, referring to the quality of orgasm and the level of intimacy. A few women expressed their sadness about the fact that their husbands rarely or never performed oral sex on them.
What’s our problem?
I was struck by the number of women who said that while oral sex feels good and leads to orgasm, they just aren’t comfortable receiving it. Why, if something feels good, do we reject it?
For years, I wasn’t comfortable receiving oral sex. I was concerned about the smell/taste. And, because I do aim for transparency here, I admit that it wasn’t all about my female smell. After having children, I had quite a few years when my bladder just wasn’t too reliable so concern about urine was added on top of that. (Sorry, guys, I know that probably gets a “gross” out of you, but several women mentioned this in the survey and a few of my real-life friends, too.) Even if I washed myself beforehand, I was worried that my husband would smell or taste something unpleasant.
I was also very uncomfortable with the idea of a sexual act being just about me. During intercourse, my husband would be experiencing his own arousal, which I figured would distract him from the sights and sounds of me. When he would try to perform oral sex on me, I was the center of attention. He would see and hear everything and wouldn’t be distracted by his own feelings of sexual stimulation. I was uncomfortable with my own sexual response, and when I receive oral sex, my response is front and center. I’m naked in more than one way.
Body image, concerns about smell/taste, and being self-conscious interfered with my willingness and ability to experience a great pleasure. I was still operating under the idea that sex was more for my husband than for me, and oral sex for me didn’t fit with this view. I’m not comfortable being the center of attention, and it was hard for me to simply accept my husband’s attention without worrying about what I would have to do in return or that I might embarrass myself.
I rejected my husband’s blessing because I was too wrapped up in my own issues. I didn’t allow myself to think of my own pleasure during sex.
I wasn’t alone, either. One woman wrote this:
I struggled for years with body image issues, which always caused sex, especially oral sex (received) to be tense, not pleasurable. One day after having a conversation with my husband about how I felt about my weight, changes after having children, he said he really wished I would let it all go, he loved my body and accepted me just as I am…. I finally released myself of years of torture, I now love sex, all of it like never before. I saw so many more flaws than he ever saw.
Quite a few women wrote about being self-conscious, not being able to relax, thinking that sexual activity needed to be mutually pleasurable and not just about her, and so on. They were uncomfortable with their own sexuality and sexual responses
Our discomfort with our own sexual response gets in the way of experiencing great pleasure.
I like to think that I am comfortable now—yet I still have struggled to bring myself to write a post in which I admit that I enjoy receiving oral sex. See that? Even the word “admit” makes it sound like I’m confessing a dirty secret. As comfortable as I truly am with my own sexuality when I’m with my husband, I apparently still have a remnant of the sexual reluctance that kept me from accepting my husband’s oral blessing for so many years.
Are you comfortable with your own sexuality and sexual response? Have you let that interfere with receiving and enjoying sexual pleasure from your husband, especially oral sex?
Upcoming posts (which I hope I won’t take so long to write) will show us some insight into our husbands’ minds and hearts. One will be just about the smell/taste, and another will be about why so many of our husbands absolutely love giving us oral sex.
What finally changed my mind?
A few years ago, my husband was one of the adult leaders at a week-long camp. One night, he and the other leaders (mostly other dads) were sitting around the campfire, eating pretzels and cherries. My husband, not even thinking, put a cherry stem in his mouth and tied a knot in it—with his tongue. The two moms who were there said, “Wow. Chris is a lucky woman.”
When the women told me this story later, in my husband’s presence, I could see the look of envy on their faces. And I saw a sadness in my husband’s eyes that I didn’t care what he could do with his tongue. It occurred to me that my husband had a talent that I didn’t fully appreciate. I decided to give it another try.
They were right. I discovered that I am a very blessed woman indeed.
Let my beloved come to his garden,
and eat its choicest fruits. Song of Solomon 4:16
Other Posts on Oral Sex for Her
Image courtesy of dan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
Please join me at Honeycomb & Spice.
Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
I wonder if sometimes women shy away from receiving oral sex because they don’t think about or realize the extent to which their husbands enjoy pleasuring us in this way. We worry about it not being mutually pleasurable when it is often HUGELY satisfying for our husbands to enjoy us as well as bringing joy to us.
That is part of what I’ll talk about in one of the upcoming posts. I was just looking over men’s survey comments today and was overwhelmed by the positive experiences they have in giving their wives pleasure.
Thank you for addressing this topic in a tasteful way (no pun intended). I cannot speak for all husbands, but a wife’s concerns about the taste/smell of her genitals seems unwarranted. The husband is concentrating more on his actions and noticing the wife’s responses to the stimulation he provides her. Often times, the taste is barely noticed, and there are times there is not much of a taste or smell to begin with. This may be similar to the wife who enjoys performing oral sex for her husband. The wife can be so “into” the act and her husband’s reactions to it, that she hardly notices the taste at the finish. Ladies, there is no need for concern here.
For those wives who find it odd that a husband would suggest shaving or trimming their pubic hair, consider that it does make performing oral sex easier, and can be visually appealing. My advice is that both spouses ought to try shaving or trimming, and see. (You can always allow the hair to grow back if it does not work for you. As well, if shaving, be careful as the skin in that area is more tender than elsewhere.)
How hair removal is requested can make a difference. “I wish you would . . . ” is often perceived as “the way you are isn’t good enough.” For a woman who has always believed that only bad girls or porn stars shave pubic hair, there’s a pretty big mental hurdle to deal with. You are very right, though, that it provides for a different oral sex experience for both giver and receiver.
As a wife I have realized that our relationship in the bedroom has improved as a result of learning to communicate about our wants, needs, and desires. I know how much my husband enjoys focusing on me- also I know he doesn’t see the flaws in my body the way I do (two kids, weight gain from stress, etc). For those who struggle with this area or are reluctant I would encourage them to try it again (and maybe again…). They may find it worth the time to get used to it and learn to relax.
Our husbands really don’t see our bodies as we do, do they?
I know that this may sound very graphic, but the most beautiful sunset in the world is nothing compared to the beauty of the view I have when I am pleasuring my wife, and in my eyes it will always be that way.
My bride was very self-conscious about odors and an unreliable bladder as well. I assured her that I was okay with the situation (actually, I’m more than OK with it….I find my bride’s scent and taste very erotic), and after many years, she now believes me and can let go and enjoy the ride. 😉 Occasionally, in the heat of action, something undesirable happens down there , and we just roll with it. Its not the end of the world, and she appreciates that I don’t make drama out of it to embarrass her. Afterwards, we usually get a chuckle out of it. Nice benefit of 28 years of trust.
I’ll be the first to say I have always loved & welcomed oral sex. Have always been shy about verbally expressing myself during sex. I feel that if he isn’t right next 2 my face I feel more comfortable relaxing. When he goes there he knows about what the taste/smell could be. I’m not as sensitive inside as I am on the outside so it’s one of the easiest way to climax. I’ve always been comfortable enough to ask for it. It should be a two way street during sex. You can always return the favor. If you’re one of the lucky ones you can always work towards a second orgasm during intercorse. Let yourself go and enjoy all of life’s pleasures. 🙂
Some more opinions from a guy who loves going down on his wife:
1) Smell/taste – love it! The scent and flavor of my aroused wife is an incredible turn on. I know for a fact that I’m not alone in this. Many men love giving oral pleasure to their wives, love the smell and taste, and do it because they want to give that pleasure freely to their wife.
2) Shaving/trimming – while visually stimulating, it also makes the whole experience easier for the man. No hairs in the mouth, going places with the tongue that otherwise would be covered in hair and inaccessible, and I’m told that the sensitivity level for the receiver is through the roof. But, if it’s not your cup o’ tea, it’s not going to stop most men from going there. It’s a plus, not a requirement.
3) If you are a woman who can and does enjoy multiple orgasms, it’s a great way to get those in before your hubby goes for the gusto with you. It’s also a nice between events treat to keep you going until he’s ready for round 2…or 3…or…you get the picture. A man who puts his wife’s pleasure ahead of his own – which is many more men than you think – will want to make sure that you get yours before he gets his. There is a saying: She Comes First – and it applies in the bedroom as much as in the rest of life.
And ladies – your man loves you, the whole you, and that includes whatever shapes your body contains. Believe it or not, most of us don’t like stick thin models who look like they need to eat some hamburgers. Anthropological and sociological studies have repeatedly proven that men around the globe prefer a woman’s body shape representing approximately 25% body fat content. That also happens to be the body fat content that maximizes healthy levels of estrogen storage and ability to bring pregnancies full term. God made us to like that shape, so embrace it and realize that we love your curves and edges. (Note the song “All of You” by John Legend)
I leave you with this nugget:
Any guy can drive a straight line, it takes a real man to handle curves!
Ladies, if he asks, he wants to do it. Let him! He’s not bothered by taste/smell or negative body issues on your part. If you think that you are the only one having pleasure, you don’t understand how exciting it is for your husband. There is a possibility that he has been thinking about doing it for some time, and would already be revved up if he knew that you would consent. Give him a thrill. Now, relax and enjoy. Lose yourself in his love and passion. Love covers a multitude of what you consider flaws, and what he isn’t even aware. A good husband loves it when his wife loves what he is doing to her.