Ladies, I’ve made no secret of the fact that this blog is for you.
With each post, I picture myself sitting with one of you, having coffee or tea, and sharing our hearts and our stories. When I moderate comments from men, my primary consideration is whether the words will be helpful to you.
God made it very clear to me that I was not to minister to men. Even when I respond to emails from your husbands, I have done so as a way of indirectly ministering to you.
Even so, I am aware that for each of you who reads my blog or visits with me over virtual coffee, there is a husband who may be yearning for information and support, too.
No Place . . .
Many husbands have written to me, thanking me for giving them insight into their wives yet also asking me where they can find something for themselves. How can they pursue better sexual intimacy with their wives when sex has been an issue for so long? Or how can they build on an already good sex life and make it even better and more intimate?
Many of you have asked for this, too: “Where can my husband go for information about female sexuality? Where can he find support as he tries to heal from the hurt I caused by avoiding sex for all those years? How can I help my husband understand what I need in bed?”
I’ve known of no such place. Some places provide resources or support for both husbands and wives. Some places have great information and support but aren’t from a Christian perspective. Or they are for Christian husbands but are about marriage in general rather than specifically about sex.
. . . Until Now
My friend J Parker blogs at Hot, Holy & Humorous and is one of my Sex Chat for Christian Wives co-hosts. She and I have often talked about the need for resources, information, and support specifically for husbands.
Not too long ago, our conversation went something like this:
“So many husbands don’t know this information.”
“I know, right? Why isn’t anyone telling them this stuff?”
“What they need is some solid men to mentor them in learning about female sexuality.”
“Well . . . are there any men who could actually do that? Other men can support and counsel, and that’s important—but they don’t understand female sexuality the way that we do.”
“What these husbands need isn’t other men. What they need is us.”
Silence.
In the quiet of that moment, we both knew: God was presenting us with an invitation.
I said a quick prayer—and just as God had once made it clear that I was not to minister to men, in that quiet and prayerful moment I knew God was giving me permission to collaborate with J on building something for husbands.
And here’s why: It will benefit you, too.
So many good-willed husbands want their wives to enjoy sex with them, or enjoy it even more than they do already.
Sex physically feels good, emotionally connects them to their wives, and even spiritually parallels the intimacy they will one day experience with God.
A man doesn’t just want to have sex all the time. He wants to share the amazing experience of sexual intimacy with the woman he loves.
He wants to know her—in all ways, of course, but in the biblical sense as well.
When your husband knows what helps you feel safe, loved, and known, it is easier for you to also let him know what arouses you and fulfills you sexually.
A wife who knows she is fully known and fully loved by her husband is truly blessed.
KHS Ministry
J and I are excited to launch KHS Ministry. KHS stands for Knowing Her Sexually. Our mission is to provide information and share insight into female sexuality to help husbands who want to pursue deeper sexual intimacy with their wives.
KHS Ministry is directed toward husbands, but we know that wives will benefit as their men learn and grow confident.
KHS Ministry will have three avenues:
The Blog
Every other week, we’ll share information, tips, and insight to help men make sex better for their wives. You’ll see our first blog post soon.
The Community
Our subscription membership community opens in January. Members will not only have the insight of J and me, they will also be able to access the wisdom and counsel of other Christian husbands. Iron sharpens iron, you know?
The Podcast
The Knowing Her Sexually podcast will launch in the spring with short episodes filled with great ideas for husbands.
Ladies, if you are working to address your own struggles with sex, chances are that your husband has some healing and relearning to do, too. KHS Ministry might be just what he needs.
In fact, sharing this with him would be a great way of telling him that you actually want him to better know you sexually! It will do his heart good—and you will be blessed by a husband who wants to know you, both biblically and beyond.
Here’s where to find us.
Image credit | rauschenberger at pixabay.com
I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
Please join me at Honeycomb & Spice.
Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
Dear Chris and J, This is very exciting news. I look forward to hearing from you and am praying for your ministry as it grows in this way…..
We are very excited about it!
I’m looking forward to seeing your KHS website. I’ve already registered. Many thanks for yours and J’s participation in helping us husbands to better understand our wives sexuality, in a Christian way.
My first wife was a “gate-keeper” to borrow your phraseology. Not only was she a gatekeeper, she enjoyed putting me down sexually and emotionally. I took it for 20 years and 3 kids before she divorced me, claiming she wanted her own identity; she was tired of being known only as Mrs. XYZ. Oddly though, it wasn’t too long after the divorce was final that she married a well-to-do, local lawyer and became part of the country club set.
Anyway, I’m not saying your KHS website would’ve done she and I much good. BUT, your “forgivenwife.com” website has benefited me and my now wife (of 23 years and counting immensely! Your email helped us over a few sexual hurdles since we started following your blog. Your advice has always been good and helpful.
Our prayers go out that yours and J’s new blog will help us husbands just as much. Lord knows, we need it!
This is wonderful news!
I agree that most husbands do not understand female sexuality.
I would ask that you consider also to not forget two things.
1) Their own wives often do not understand their own female sexuality, and thus are unable help their husband understand. So this new blog and podcast will dramatically help in that regard.
2) I think prior to getting into the whole discussion of understanding FEMALE sexuality. It MUST be built upon the prerequisite of the man understanding his own sexuality.
From my own experience, which I believe is extremely common, having heard other men admit the same experience. Is that we (as men) have a huge misunderstanding of our own sexuality. We do NOT TRULY understand our own sexuality. The true basis and true desire. We feel the dominance of the physical drive and need. But we completely miss the true REASON for that physical manifestation.
It was blatantly obvious to me and most (not all) men, that we had a very high sex drive. I was motivated, and it was impossible to ignore the drive, the desire and the thoughts about sex. In a nutshell I was horny. So, I understood, lived with, fought with and tried to control that drive. But I really didn’t understand what I was REALLY looking for. What was REALLY behind the drive. Which was the connection and true intimacy with my wife. That sex was a vehicle. For me and most (not all) men it is THE PRIMARY vehicle in which I was able to truly feel emotionally the connection with my wife. Nothing else even came close to replacing that need.
Yes hormones gave me the physical drive, and that physical manifestation that was IMPOSSIBLE to ignore and ever present. So much so that it dominated and hid the small quiet voice of the REASON for that drive. Which was to truly connect and be intimate with my wife. Sex was the VEHICLE to obtain that connection and intimacy. I believe that most men, certainly young men or newly married husbands also are like me and simply could not “hear” that true reason, over the “noise” of the overpowering hormones and physical “need” for sex. It took me DECADES to really understand my own sexuality above and beyond the physical ever present physical drive.
Even after I made the revelation what my true reason why I wanted to have sex with my wife. And I attempted to tell my wife this. My wife and I think it is common for other wives to simply NOT believe that what I was seeking was connection with her. That what I was telling her was “just another” excuse or form of manipulation and control in order to simple “con” her into more sex. That all I wanted was the physical sex and physical relief. That “all she was good for was sex”. This took literally YEARS to overcome.
I guess what I’m saying is that I believe your blog and podcast for understanding the wifes sexuality is absolutely important. But it is also critical and MUST be built upon a foundation and true understanding of the husband’s sexuality. The true connection that the husband is seeking may not be recognized simply by him learning his wifes sexuality. He may still himself be bamboozled to the false belief that he is still just wanting the physical. And while pleasing and understanding his wife’s sexuality will likely result in more sex, He may himself miss the real deal. He may feel better, and not really understand WHY. He may feel more connected to his wife and not understand why. He may fool himself into thinking it WAS about the frequency of the physical act of sex. And that may further contribute to the wife being inhibited or hindering her true connection to her husband if she also continues to believe her husband still only wants sex. And that he is “only” and “reluctantly” learning about her sexuality, in order to “get more sex”. And that in my opinion would be a travesty!
I would recommend that in addition to yourself and J, that you consider having a “qualified” married man with “fruit on the tree”. To be a frequent contributor to the blog and podcast. Or several male guest speakers and contributors to the blog.
I believe that just like you have many husbands (myself included) who read the forgiven wife, and sexchat for Christian wives’ podcast. I suspect that you will have many wives who subscribe and read and listen to this new blog and podcast. And having a 3rd party male perspective to help inform the wives who tune in to better understand their husbands sex drive as well.
Thanks
Tad
What you describe is one of the reasons we are incorporating a community into this ministry. While J and I know a lot about male sexuality, other men will be able to speak to that in ways we simply cannot.
Tad, how can you turn a post about learning to understand her sexuality all about you and your needs? This is not about a seeing sex from a man’s point of view (there’s plenty on the internet about that), it is for men who are wanting to understand their wives and her sexuality.
I have never really understood my wife’s sexuality. Looking forward to learning some great new things.
I think this is an awesome idea! There is so little resources for men that focus on marital sex. Conservative Christian has improved of lot in this area of marriage. Before my wife and I got married, we had several pre-marital counseling sessions with our pastor. Not once did the topic of sexuality was even mentioned! Needless to say, we rarely about our issues in our sex life…you just don’t talk about sex in our generation (baby-boomers) among Christians.
Our 40 years of sexual struggles has taken its toll on our marriage. while we are very committed to each other until death do us part, our sex life has never improved. I hope and pray other generations of Christians will not struggle like us. Thank you Chris for your very important ministry!!