Your husband makes a pretty simple request:
“Can we do it doggy style?”
“Let’s try this new vibrator I ordered!”
“I’d like oral sex.”
“Let’s have sex tonight!”
You can feel it in your gut—a negative feeling that is visceral and all-encompassing. Thoughts flood your mind: How can he ask that? Doesn’t he ever listen to me? Why is he thinking about that all of a sudden? I don’t even want to think about that! You feel big feelings. Hurt. Frustration. Anger. Distrust. Fear. Resignation.
The negative feelings come out in a negative reaction. But here’s the thing. Expressing a negative reaction to a sexual request in a negative way rarely helps anything. It is likely to make your husband feel as negative as you do—and in marriage, two negatives rarely make a positive. When we respond with a negative reaction, both we and our husbands can end up feeling frustrated and a bit unloved.
So what can you do instead? How can you honor your feelings while transforming your negative reaction into a response that invites greater intimacy?
I am not suggesting that you should change your feelings so you can do what your husband has requested. You don’t have to do any particular sexual activity.
The idea here is to let those negative feelings point you toward healing and growth in a way that nurtures the intimacy in your marriage. How can you address your feelings in a way that helps your husband understand what’s going on and that helps you feel loved?
If you have a negative reaction toward a sexual request, neither of you is going to feel intimate and close. Whether you end up agreeing to the activity isn’t as important as growing in intimacy.
All of our sexual differences are an invitation for us to learn and love each other more deeply. The differences and disagreements can be an invitation that encourages us to grow in oneness.
So let’s take a look at three common reasons for a negative reaction and then consider how we can respond in a way that nurtures our growth and intimacy.
1. Habit
We may have a negative reaction simply because it is a habit to do so. We may have developed an automatic response to any sexual request at all. Later on, it may even hit us that the thing we just said no to is something we actually like to do!
A negative reaction may be due to painful or uncomfortable experiences with a particular position or activity in the past. Painful sex creates a body memory of trauma. Even after we’ve had surgery or other treatment for the condition behind the pain, our bodies and minds respond to the remembered trauma.
Sometimes we develop habits during a difficult season in life. A woman with young children may be too tired to engage in sexual activity that requires more physical or mental energy for her, and she may develop a habit of disliking or saying not to that. Even after the children are grown, that habit may still be there.
The habit of a negative reaction has become ingrained in us.
Move Toward Intimacy
Once you realize that you are responding negatively out of habit, you can work to break that habit and develop new ones.
Several steps might help you develop more positive responses.
- Start to pay attention so you can be aware of when you experience negative feelings or express negative reactions.
- Begin to initiate. It was a way to break the cycle where your husband even asks in the first place, which can help to break your habit of an automatic negative reaction.
- Learn to take a deep breath before responding to your husband. Practice with non-sexual things. When your husband asks you to choose a restaurant or a show to binge-watch together, take a deep breath and think before responding. Practicing in low-tension situations can help you be better able to pause and respond thoughtfully when it comes to sex.
2. Our Past
For far too many of us, our negative feelings and reactions are rooted in the past. A particular position, activity, or sound may bring to mind memories of sexual abuse or assault, a premarital sexual encounter, or even witnessing men’s attitudes and comments about women. The memories may provoke feelings of worthlessness or shame, and maybe a deep disappointment that our husband wants the same things those other men did.
The negative feelings based in the past may lead us to avoid sex or limit the activities or positions we enjoy. When we react negatively to a husband’s request, we leave him confused—and we still have those negative feelings and memories to deal with.
Move Toward Intimacy
The best way to grow in intimacy is to pursue your own healing—not so you can manage to do a particular activity that your husband has requested, but because you deserve to not be shackled by the past.
- Talk with your husband. Although he doesn’t need to know details about the past, assure him that your negative feelings are about your past and are not about him. Ask him to pray for your healing. If you need to take a sex hiatus for a time while you work through your issues, talk about how this will look set a time frame.
- Work with a counselor who specializes in abuse or assault, or perhaps meet with a pastor or a mentor who can help you release your shame and find your identity in Christ.
- Participate in a study that helps you develop a new perspective on marriage or sexual intimacy, such as the Passion Pursuit study.
- Connect with other women with similar experiences who can encourage you in your growth, such as the Honeycomb & Spice community or Awaken Love classes.
3. Relational Hurt
Sometimes our negative reaction is due to something that has happened or that is continuing to happen in the relationship.
Past Hurt
At times, a husband’s words or actions can haunt us for many years. A thoughtless response to “Do I look fat in this lingerie?” or a comment that expressed disappointment in something sexual can affect our willingness to have sex with the lights on or try something new where we might fail. We might be hanging onto some bitterness.
On-going Hurt
Sometimes it seems that a sexual request is more like a constant burden to bear.
For example, a request for oral sex disregards the many times you have told him you don’t like it. The suggestion of a quickie suggests that you aren’t the worth the time it would take to get you relaxed and aroused enough to enjoy sex. A new idea makes you wonder where he got the idea and if he’s watching porn again.
We might feel like we are valued only for sex, that he is concerned only about his own sexual pleasure, or even betrayed. A negative reaction is hardly surprising.
If his request is for an activity that has been a source of long-time disagreement, frustration, or concern, or if he makes the same request for something we dislike every single time we have sex, our hurt may be even deeper, with our reaction even more negative.
Fear
One way that relational hurt might show up is through fear. If you struggle to trust your husband because of his past actions, you might be afraid of what might happen if you agree to his request. If I do this tonight, what will be the next thing he asks me to do? If it is uncomfortable or hurts, will he stop when I ask him to? Will he be nice about it if I want to stop, or will he try to make me feel like a failure?
Move Toward Intimacy
If your negative reaction is grounded in relational hurt, try having an open and vulnerable conversation about it at a later time when your husband isn’t feeling the immediate sting of sexual rejection and when you’ve had time to collect your thoughts.
Your sex life should be mutually enjoyable to you. It should lead to greater feelings of intimacy. Tell your husband that you want to have a mutually enjoyable sex life and that you want to help him understand a struggle that you have:
“I don’t mind a quickie every now and then, but it simply doesn’t give me enough time to enjoy sex. When you ask for it every single time, I feel like I’m not worth your time and like you don’t care about whether I enjoy sex.”
“Every time you ask for oral sex, I shut down sexually. It is uncomfortable for me, even if I can manage my gag reflex. The fact that you care more about getting oral sex than you do about my comfort is upsetting enough. What I really have a hard time with, though, is the fact that I have told you this so many times. Your requests disregard something I have communicate with you about many times. And honestly? Every single time you ask just adds to my dislike of it.”
“When you asked for that new position out of the blue, I couldn’t help but wonder where you got the idea. So there I was in the middle of sex, wondering if you’ve been watching porn again instead of really enjoying my time with you. It’s hard not to let my mind go there, even though I believe you have put porn behind you.”
“I’ve realized that a lot of my feelings about sex are tangled up in something that happened a long time ago. You may not even remember it, and I know that you didn’t intend to hurt my feelings. I’m finally trying to work on that. I just want you to be aware of what’s going on and ask you to pray for me.”
Be clear about your feelings in a way that owns your reaction without accusing your husband of ill will.
There is no guarantee that your husband will respond well. He might even be angry or defensive. However, he may acknowledge that he simply hadn’t thought about how his request might come across to you. He may even apologize for something that he hadn’t realized hurt you.
It matters that you are honest with your husband. It is an invitation to greater intimacy, even if he doesn’t accept the invitation.
If the conversation goes well, you can brainstorm together how to proceed. For instance, you might agree that he won’t request oral sex for the next month, but you will offer it once, just to start to break the cycle. Or he can agree to suggest a new activity or position sometime outside the bedroom to give you time to ask questions or get used to the idea. Or you decide together to set aside several hours every other week for a very long and relaxing lovemaking session, with the agreement that quickies will be okay at other times.
If the conversation doesn’t go well, it might be worth finding a counselor to help you and your husband work through the issue.
When you find yourself having negative feelings about your husband’s sexual request, it is easy to let those feelings become a reaction that reduces the connection between you. Instead, use those feelings as a springboard to growth and deeper intimacy in your marriage.
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever. Psalm 30:11-12
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When there is a history of sexual molestation and attempted rape by a siblings, a husband must be VERY careful how they approach certain requests. And with that said, I’ve always been open to pretty much everything with my husband…it was me that bought the toys, suggested something new, requested a quickie or called him at work to ask that he come home for “lunch”. But a hysterectomy and menopause changed everything. My husband still expected EVERYTHING from me afterwards, oblivious to the severe pain and lack of libido I was left with. I became more and more frustrated that he kept getting increasingly angry b/c I couldn’t give him what he wanted. Talk about the world’s longest butt-hurt fest. And its been very disheartening for me that sex is the only focus he has, despite our marriage of almost 40 years. Certainly, there is more to our relationship than sex. I made the personal choice to go on biological hormone replacement therapy and to have rejuvenation of my lady parts, but its not a perfect process and there are periods of time that my hormones get messed up. And he STILL gets all up in arms when things are not working well for me. I mean, hellooooooo? A little mercy, dude? Sex is NOT the alpha or the omega. His indifference has done more to destroy our relationship than anything.
Absolutely. When a wife has any history of sexual trauma, it is important that her healing be placed as a higher priority than any particular sexual activity.
I am sorry you’ve experienced so much hurt for so long. A husband’s indifference does so much damage to a relationship and to his wife’s interest in sex. 🙁
Thank you for this post, Chris! It’s super helpful to acknowledge the current struggle and thoughts and then be given stepping stones to move forward instead of stay stagnate!
I love thinking in terms of small steps to take. It’s less overwhelming to do small things than to make a giant leap!