Remember whose daughter you are.

A meme has been going around Facebook that has stuck in my mind:

“Whenever you feel overwhelmed, remember whose daughter you are and straighten your crown.”*

We, my friends, are daughters of the King. He created us to experience pleasure. He created us to experience joy. He created us to experience connection and unity with our husbands through sexual intimacy.

Yet sometimes we believe that we won’t—or can’t—ever enjoy sex with our husbands. Read More →

Does it help us to view a porn habit as an addiction?

I’d like to preface this post with a few notes:

  • I am not in any way claiming scientific expertise here. I’ve done a lot of reading and research, but one of my points is that research doesn’t measure everything. If you’re looking for links to scientific studies, you won’t find them here.
  • Many women have a porn problem, too. I’m not addressing that in this post, although if this applies to you, you might find some insight.
  • As I talk about husbands quitting porn, I am referring to men who have a persistent porn habit that they want to quit.

Pornography hurts marriages. Women have shared with me the heartache they’ve experienced upon discovering a husband’s porn habit. It is common to feel hurt and betrayed.

Our shared sex life is where we are most vulnerable with our husbands. It is where we are most naked.

That same vulnerability that can make sex such an exquisite, connecting experience is what opens us up to being deeply hurt when it comes to anything sexual, including porn. Read More →

Don't fear transformation in your marriage.

A caterpillar has its own charm, but God’s desire is for that caterpillar to experience a transformation and become a butterfly.

I doubt that the caterpillar knows to expect a transformation, but it does know to do the task it faces: spin the cocoon that allows the transformation to occur.

It emerges, with a brand new beauty and wings to fly.

I’ve been thinking about butterflies this week. Butterflies and death.

Read More →

No mess is bigger than God.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

I was working at a private college with several Catholic sisters on staff and went to a meeting to discuss the non-academic challenges faced by some students. Some of our students had serious messes in their lives.

My colleagues and I shared a few stories about the ways God’s providence was evident in the way these students managed to rise above their challenges.

One of the sisters thought for a moment, then quietly said something along these lines: “It’s in the mess where the Holy Spirit resides.” Read More →

Is it possible to heal from having your feelings dismissed in your marriage?

 

About fifteen years ago, our marriage began to sink to a new level of disconnection. Although several factors contributed to my disconnecting from my husband, the one that stands out the most is that my attempts to express my feelings to my husband were rejected.

When I needed to talk with my husband about things that were unrelated to him, it was okay for me to share my feelings. He would listen to me.

However, when it came to feelings about anything that involved him, things didn’t go so well. I needed him to hear me and to recognize my hurt. I needed him to hold me and tell me he loved me. Instead, he told me he didn’t want to hear about it. He told me why I shouldn’t feel the way I did. He told me the conversation was over. He told me to get over it. Read More →

 How can you find peace when you’ve made so many changes and your husband has barely budged?

When we work on the sexual intimacy in our marriages, it should be because we believe it is the right thing to do—not for the express purpose of getting our husbands to change. (Disclaimer: I say this as a woman whose initial attention to our sexual intimacy was to get my husband to change.)

flourish2

It can be far easier to see our husbands’ faults than it is to see our own. You may have a mental list of things you would love for your husband to change. I certainly did! Read More →

Can a video game show us anything about how we grow in our marriages? The answer turns out to be yes!

 

I was playing a video game the other day, and I realized that my avatar’s energy level was getting low. Instead of forging ahead into the next quest, I moved slowly, avoiding dangers that might completely deplete me. I continued on my journey and took care of the absolutely essential things, but I was slow and careful so I could rebuild my strength. When I was back up to full strength, I was ready for next quest.

That has been happening in my real life lately, too. Read More →

Are you in an emotional swamp at the thought of making changes in your sex life?

Words cannot adequately describe my emotions when I realized I needed to work on sex.

Some of these emotions were due to my newfound awareness of how deeply our sexual disconnection had hurt my husband. I felt a heavy burden of guilt for having caused him so much pain. My heart hurt for him. I felt like I had completely failed at marriage and being a wife. Read More →

You still have time to grow in your marriage.

A little over a month ago, I planted a couple tomato plants. Our tomato cages got lost in our move last year, so I put the tomato plants in the ground and figured I would go get new cages in a couple days. (A tomato cage is metal cage that goes around the tomato plant. It provides support for the tomato as it grows and bears fruit.) And then . . . I didn’t get the cages. I would be out watering my garden and think, Oh, those plants are getting kind of big. I should go get cages. Then I would go inside and the tomato cages would slip my mind. Every time I watered the garden, I would remember that I needed to get tomato cages—but there was no rush, right? Read More →

Note: This post is about sexual assault. If you need to, set it aside to read at a better time. Or skip it altogether.

Take steps to heal from sexual assault

You’ve probably seen the letter written by the Stanford sexual assault survivor.

It is a letter that resonated with far too many of us. Read More →

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