For My Sister Sexual Assault Survivors

The past few days haven’t been so easy.

You may think I am referring to Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony. I am not. I want to be clear that this is not about her testimony or about Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh’s response. I am not writing about the Supreme Court nomination process itself but about something that has developed in response to it.

The process has presented an occasion for many women to share their own stories of sexual assault—and THIS is what I want to address.

In the news, in social media, and even in my real life, I’ve been reading and hearing so many women’s stories.

As a sexual assault survivor, it hasn’t been so easy. If you, too, have experienced a sexual assault, my guess is that you are struggling a bit, too.

So many stories

I’ve been overwhelmed by the volume and familiarity of those stories. Even as I try to focus on other things, bits and pieces from social media and news—and even from the grocery store checkout line—updates pop up in front of me.

Most of the time, I would tell you that I’m pretty well healed from my rape. It was over 30 years ago, and I’ve worked through so much. It’s been years since it was part of how I perceived myself on a daily basis.

Even good healing, though, can leave scars and tenderness behind.

Each time I read or hear an account of an assault that happened in the context of alcohol, I am reminded of memories that aren’t easy to think about. I’m not thinking about the actual event that took place. Rather, I am reminded of how I felt afterwards—how I thought I deserved what happened, how alone I felt, how I didn’t have the first idea how I was supposed to deal with what had happened, and how I felt so powerless.

So many of these stories I’ve read capture these same feelings. I am overwhelmed as I remember those feelings, and I’m saddened by the fact that I am far, far from alone in them.

It occurs to me that while I’ve healed from the rape, I haven’t healed from the aftermath. Maybe I never will. Scars made fade, but they won’t fade away completely.

Another news story this week highlighted this for me. Bill Cosby was sentenced and taken to prison for sexual assault. I thought I would feel a sense of relief for his victims, but I didn’t. I thought about how this might be closure for him, but every woman he hurt continues to carry with her the knowledge of what was done and the memories of trying to deal with that.

When sexual assault is in the news

For me, healing doesn’t mean that the scars will go away. It means that I need to learn to live with them, knowing that they may become tender from time to time.

Last year, as we saw the #MeToo movement explode in response to accusations against Harvey Weinstein, I wrote a post about what I do when sexual assault is in the news.

I presented six things that help me cope with news related to rape:

1. Thank God for the good men in my life.
2. Pray for the victims, both those who have come forward and those who have not.
3. Pray for the wrongdoer.
4. Talk with the kids.
5. Do something to support another woman.
6. Step away when it gets to be too much.

Those things DO help me. They’ve helped this time, too. I’m not feeling helpless and powerless, for which I am very thankful.

This time, though, they aren’t enough. Maybe it’s because so many of the stories I see are close to mine. Or because the #MeToo-ness of the past year has worn me down. Or because God is making it very clear that I still have some healing to pursue. Or because He is inviting me to learn what it means to live with these scars.

Finding rest from my weariness

My struggle is both mental and physical. My entire body aches. I’m tired. My mind cannot think clearly about anything. I want to cry.

I. Am. Weary.

Two things are helping me right now.

1. Self-Care

This is a trendy term for good reason: it makes a real difference.

For me, self-care involves a lot of rest. I’ve set aside what obligations I can for a few days. Even in my housework, I’m doing the things that will help me feel good and in control. I’m letting go of the things that feel more like an obligation. When my body aches from the soul weariness, I lie down for a bit. Yesterday I even managed a brief nap that made a huge difference.

I am cautious and intentional about my consumption of news and social media. If I am reading an article, I pay attention to my reaction. If I find myself feeling anxious, I click away. I’ve muted a few Facebook friends so their posts don’t show up in my feed.

I’ve also been doing a lot of knitting. The rhythm of knitting soothes me mentally and physically.

Self-care also means that I communicate clearly with my husband about my struggles. I’ve told him I’m having a hard time. I’ve asked him to pause some news stories on TV while I leave the room for a bit. In the middle of the night, I’ve curled up against his warmth and wrapped his arms around me in comfort.

2. Scripture

When I notice that I am struggling, I turn to scripture. I’ve found several to be particularly helpful recently.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. Psalm 119:76

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:2

How are you coping?

I do what I can to care for myself and to fill my mind and heart with God’s truth and comfort.

If you are one of my sister sexual assault survivors and are struggling, how are you managing? What helps you when you hear difficult stories that are so close to your own?

Please take care of yourself. Rest. Be careful about how you use social media and consume the news. Go ahead and have the pumpkin spiced latte if you want. Make an appointment with your counselor, especially if you are experiencing symptoms of PTSD or find that you can’t function normally. (Also, be sure to check out the resources listed in this post.)

I am praying for peace and comfort for us all.

Image credit | Christianpics.co