I have shelves and shelves of bodice rippers—romance novels with steamy sex scenes. The men in these novels are perfect. Sure, they’re flawed, but they know how to acknowledge and express their feelings, they can set aside their own desires in order to meet a woman’s needs, and they always know exactly how to provide a woman with a mind-blowing orgasm.
What’s not to love? Answer: real life.
I used to read the books as escapism from the mundane realities of parenting, housework, career, my marriage. Now, there was nothing actually wrong with these areas of my life. It just wasn’t what I had always expected to it to be—especially when it came to marriage. I idolized the relationships in the books. I idolized the Hollywood version of what marriage should look like. I even idolized the marriages of my friends (because most marriages look better from the outside than from the inside).
The unreal marriages I thought I saw became an idol I worshipped at the expense of my real marriage. Compared to all that, my husband didn’t have a chance.
So many of us have idols in our marriages—the perfect life/house/spouse/weight/marriage bed/children/romance/etc. We focus on our idols at the expense of the marriage. Even when we are rightly focused on the relationship, we can make idols of a particular sex act, a desired frequency, a spouse’s response, a setting, a type of orgasm. We have idols that interfere with true and full intimacy in marriage.
Part of the work I am currently doing on myself is unpacking my baggage and digging into some of the root causes of things that ultimately led to my gate-keeping and refusal. When I was young and struggling with my sexual impurity, a friend encouraged me to read Hosea. “Even a whore,” she said, “found a husband.” Yeah, there’s an invitation you want to hear from a friend every day.
I read Hosea through the lenses of my life at that time. I saw a man who condescended to take a soiled woman, Gomer, as his wife. He married her out of duty rather than love; he saw her as a whore rather than the complement to his soul. She was an object, not a loved one. I found no hope in Hosea. If my sexual impurity made me a whore, then I could expect nothing more than duty and objectification.
A covenant
I’ve read that the marriage between Hosea and Gomer is symbolic of the covenant relationship between God and His unfaithful people. But as a young woman who was seeking assurance that she could love and be loved, I saw Hosea and Gomer more clearly than I saw God and Israel.
The Book of Hosea tells us about God and Hosea and their actions. For years, I’ve seen Gomer as a recipient of the actions of others, a canvas on which the decisions of others were written. She was pursued, uncovered, paid, and punished. She wasn’t the agent of her own life. She conceived, birthed, and weaned–not something that was probably much of a choice in her day. Was she a prostitute or an adulteress? Both? Does it matter what her sin was? Did she feel she had a choice in the direction of her life?
I always wondered about the heart of Gomer. She was a whore, a wife, and a mother. But who was she as a woman? How did she feel about her life? About her husband? About their children with the sad names? Did she love? Was she loved? From the first time I read about her, Gomer’s life saddened me. She is one of the women in the Bible whose full story I hope to learn in heaven.
I haven’t thought of Gomer since the early years of my marriage when I was trying to reconcile my past with the marriage I had no idea how to build. For years, I learned to read Hosea and think about God and Hosea, neglecting Gomer in my mind.
For several weeks now, I’ve been thinking about the idols I had in my marriage. I’ve realized that the more effort I put into my marriage, the more joy I find in the reality there. The more joy I find, the more I seek the relationship I have instead of the one I’d expected to have. I am amazed to realize that I’ve set the idol of romanticism aside to invite reality into my heart. I honestly don’t remember the last time I read one of the romance books now gathering dust on my shelves.
Reading with a fresh heart
Last night, I opened my Bible, wondering what I needed to read. God pulled me back to Gomer—her life, my life as a young woman, the Baals she pursued at the expense of her marriage, and the idols I pursued at the expense of mine.
“And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ ” (Hosea 2:16, ESV)
Finally, I could see Gomer as the agent of her own life. People and circumstances could make her into a whore, a wife, a mother—but no one could make her call Hosea her husband. Only she could choose to do that. God led me to this verse so I could see the fulfilled hope that I couldn’t even imagine as a young woman. For the first time, Gomer gave me hope rather than sorrow.
I thought of where my marriage is now. I’ve set aside my idol, my Baal, to look at my own man and call him my husband. The husband I’d idolized in my mind is gone, abolished. The Book that gave me no hope as an impure young woman now speaks to me of being married in righteousness, justice, steadfast love, and mercy.
Have you asked yourself recently what idols are standing between you and a real and righteous marriage? Where does your heart need to be?
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Excellent. Loved it. This past year God has really spoke to me about “idols” in my life. I would have sworn up and down that I did not idolize my husband, because I could barely stand him. (We very much use to have a love/hate relationship.) But God revealed to me, that because I idolized him, and he (my DH) was failing at giving me what I was “seeking” from him (because he couldn’t), that was the reason I was miserable and couldn’t “stand him”. I’m learning to love… to love God’s way, expecting nothing in return and not trying to get something out of the people in my life. I can rest in, “all that I need” the Father will supply, and when difficult people or situations arise, it is a chance for me to become more like Christ by working out my flesh and sin.
Good for you!
Have you read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers? It is based on Hosea & Gomer, very powerful book.
No, I havent read it. I’ll look for it.
I just realized I downloaded it for Kindle last month, not even realizing what the story was based on!
This book was part of my “awakening” story. God was doing so much in my life at that time and this was a huge part of my mental shift. I finished it the 1st time and thought, “man, that was a good book!” Then about a year later, I read it again and just about cried. It just hit me between the eyes. Such a powerful story. I now buy it and give it away to folks as a ministry. I believe that everyone can get something out of this book. I have read it a total of 8 times so far. I get something new out of it each time. I hope you enjoy it. Let me know how you like it!
Haven’t been around the blog in a while….not sure why it’s not showing up in my feed, but did you ever get around to reading Redeeming Love? 🙂
Yes, I did read it. A lot of it resonated with me. I loved the ending.
I must admit, as your fan this was painful for me to read. You presented such a harsh view of yourself. As they use to say in my old neighborhood, you are a “tough cookie”.
With that said, I can really relate to your comment, “The unreal marriages I thought I saw became an idol I worshiped at the expense of my real marriage. Compared to all that, my husband didn’t have a chance.”. I know I suffer the same affliction. I get distracted too easily and lose focus on my real marriage. Thankfully there are people like you writing wonderful blogs who keep us focused on what really matters.
I had a very harsh view of myself when I met my husband. Although that self-perception faded years ago, it was part of the context in which our relationship sprouted. It is good for me to recognize how far I’ve come–not just in my marriage but in my role as daughter of the King.
I think I reference the story of Hosea more than any other book in the Bible (with the possible exception of Proverbs). It’s such an amazing example of how to be selfless and unconditionally loving. It shows us the struggle God goes through with each and every one of us.
Yes–and an example of how to accept that love when it is offered.
I’ll admit, I never looked at it from that vantage point. Going to have to go re-read it again…*sigh*
Just kidding, thanks for the new perspective!
Well, you know me. I’m all about seeking new perspective.
Indeed
I really appreciated what you brought up about idoling fantasy over enjoying the reality and the blessings that God has already given. For me the story of Gomer has always been one of love, although Gomer was a prostitute God told Hosea to pick one so I’ve always thought that there was something about Gomer that Hosea really did appreciate/like I think the parallel between the two could only work if He actually did care f
I sometimes get stuck in a reading that is embedded in the context of my life at the time I first read a passage. Because of my self-perception at the time, I think I wasn’t ready to see this then.
I love how you shared so unabashedly about your marriage. Today, your word is perfect and has helped me align myself with God once again for the heart of my marriage. I will spend sometime today asking God to show me any idol I have set before my reality!
And I am glad you found my blog on Gomer too.
http://woundedhealerwarrior.com/2013/09/24/i-am-gomer/?replytocom=238
Together our articles make a beautiful statement. God has had me settling into Hosea for a while now – I feel like I could teach a whole retreat out of Hosea 2 🙂 I’m sure you could too. I hope to keep in touch as I am sure God will continue to teach me through his personal insights to you as well!
God Bless Friend! Cheryl
Our hearts and our posts make good companions. 🙂