Today’s guest post comes to you from Leah Grey at Grey Ministries. This post is part of the Sexual Healing and Wholeness Series.
By Leah Grey
He smiled at me from beneath long, dark eyelashes. As most wives young would, I knew what that smile meant.
“I brought you a glass of wine,” he said.
“Oh, what a gentleman. Thank you,” I replied, smiling back.
We chatted about nothing in particular. As time went on, I could see him “topping up” my glass, but I was having fun, what would it hurt? One bottle of Woodbridge Cabernet Sauvignon later, consumed mainly on my own, he goes to open two beers.
“Oh no,” I say, “No more for me.”
“Just one?” he says, “We’ll share.”
I’m not even sure if I’ve said, “Okay,” before he’s opened it and coaxed a few sips out of me.
I’m not trying to shift blame, but this is what it’s like when you’re married to an addict. They are excellent manipulators of reality and emotions. Looking back on our marriage, I’m not sure when the first time was that we were intimate and stone-cold sober. Had it happened in the beginning, it wasn’t the norm [and how did this all begin? Read it here.
Later on, I was sober and pregnant while my husband, who I had begun to think had a slight alcohol problem, hid a much more serious drug addiction. Having sex with someone on cocaine is not fun when you’re stone-cold sober. They are rough and unloving. It’s not about connection or pleasure, and there is nothing in the act that makes you feel special. It is about them expelling pent-up adrenaline. I pulled away from intimacy in our marriage and eventually, shut-down completely. The passion in our marriage didn’t return until my husband was sober and pursuing Jesus.
After talking to many wives who have dealt with addiction in their marriages, whether it’s pornography, drugs, gambling, alcohol or even video games and cellphones (that’s right, evil technology!) I have found there are two typical responses: cling or withdraw.
I am a withdrawer. It’s easy for me to shut down my sexual needs and focus on other things. Reasonably independent, I have no issue going through life alone. When I picture the end of my life, I see myself an old widow (the women in my family live for a long time. With the damage my husband has done to his heart, I am likely to outlive him). I will live in New York City or some other metropolis, sitting at my apartment desk, writing by the window while looking down on a crowd of people below. For a creative rest, I’ll take my small, fluffy dog for a walk in a park in my cool, had-it-so-long-it’s-now-vintage jacket, and stop to perch on a park bench. Dreaming, writing, praying. Being alone has never seemed threatening to me, but it is also not a right mentality for a marriage.
And then there are those who cling. Cling to the memories, their marriages, their sexual needs, their dreams. They cling with a ferocity only a woman can have. Their hearts, so tender and vulnerable yet, so determined to love and be loved. These women seem to be more sensitive, I think. More sensitive and also much more loving than I. They fill their home with love, care and attention, and sacrifice everything for the good of those around them. They greet their husbands with kisses and fawn on them with attention. When their spouses don’t reciprocate their doting, it hurts them to their core and can lead them to question their worth.
Both responses to crisis are very different, and both have positive and negative consequences.
In my case, even after my husband and I to came to a healing place post-addiction, it took me a long time to feel good about our sex life. First to go and last to come back. I couldn’t “make” myself do it without being able to trust him. Anything else felt insincere and insincere sex was not something I could do.
But in many ways, my standoffish behaviour hurt the recovery of our marriage. Men need sex, plain and simple. We can try to deny them that because it feels barbarically old-fashioned but despite what feminism may protest- sex is a necessary male need. It’s science. Nothing more. To feel loved, my husband would benefit from being greeted at the door with kisses, having the final say on decisions as head of the household (like a man is supposed to be) and being the respected provider, protector, supporter and husband he wants to be.
The trouble with addiction is that the woman becomes all these things. I am now the mom who says to her children when they fall, “You’re alright. Up you go!” instead of being allowed to be the nurturing mother a woman should be, ready with hugs, kisses and warm arms. Single mothers know this struggle well, having to assume the role of both mother and father. When you’re still married and reacting in this way- it’s bound to be damaging.
Addiction destroys the oneness of a marriage, both in and out of the bedroom, because there can be no healthy partnership with addiction.
So how does it get better? What can we do to heal and rebuild intimacy after addiction? Here are three steadfast, Biblical rules.
1. Never attempt to have healing between the sheets until your loved one is in recovery.
Just as I need to learn from the sensitive woman how to be more loving and vulnerable, she needs to learn from the bull-headed ones like myself, how to be more independent.
I often hear from women whose spouses have sex addictions (including pornography) believe they can “prevent” their husbands from seeking pleasure elsewhere if they have sex with them, but it isn’t true. In fact, it’s enabling. Sleeping with them while they’re actively engaging in extramarital affairs (yes, that’s what it is), only says to them, “It’s okay, I’ll allow it even though I don’t like it”. I’m not sure who first said it, but there’s a popular quote that reads, “What you allow is what will continue”. Don’t allow affairs. You are worth too much to have your love thrown in the trash like a piece of garbage.
“Don’t give what is holy to dogs or toss your pearls before pigs, or they will trample them under their feet, turn, and tear you to pieces.”
-Matthew 7:6 (CSB)
Your love for your husband is holy, have you ever considered that? You are a child of God, a co-heir to the throne. God is love; therefore your love is sacred.
[Want to know more about who you are and how God sees you? Check out the newest Bible study from Grey Ministries, You Are Worthy! ]
2. Forgive recovering spouses in compassion and extend grace.
It would be effortless to hold our loved ones accountable for all the terrible things we went through on account of their addiction but doing so will only make us sick and angry. A relationship post-crisis blooms because intimacy thrives in the roots of forgiveness. Yes, you were in the dirt. But now you’re not. It’s time to stop living like you’re still there and allow the bud of life within your loved one to grow. If you don’t nurture it, it’s unlikely to survive.
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
-Ezekiel 36:26
After addiction, both us and our loved one must rid our hearts of their stones. If our significant other comes to us asking for forgiveness for the billionth time, God says to forgive (Mat.18:21-22). To do this, we must be vulnerable. We can forgive and protect ourselves, but for real forgiveness and healing in the marriage, we have to be vulnerable. Soft hearts leads to warm beds. [Read more on forgiveness- what it means and what it looks like in How to Have a Healthy Relationship in Addiction Recovery.]
3. Remember to enjoy one another. Sex is a gift from God!
Seriously. It should not be a burden, a chore, or a manipulation tactic but rather, a mutual pleasure. Not only that but sex is so important God made it essential to furthering the human race. We would die without sex! Yep, “How do you like them apples?!”.
It is any wonder then that the enemy in his sneaky, subtle and slimy ways, slowly took the joy out of sex? Gradually perverting it. Having it become tiresome as another thing on our “to-do” list? Take something off your “to-do” list and add sex on. Like brushing your teeth, make it essential and see how your marriage thrives.
“A loving deer, a graceful doe- let her breasts always satisfy you; be lost in her love forever.”
-Proverbs 5:16 (CSB)
Addiction steals our joy. We forget how to laugh with our spouses. We stop looking at them with loving eyes. We quit admiring their strong legs in dirt-sodden workbooks and sexy rear ends while they plant a row of slow-growing boxwood trees along the back fence of our home- like I currently am while writing this (I like it when he works!). Those boxwoods, they’re an investment into our future. A twenty-year plan. Plan on your spouse being there in twenty years.
If your marriage has been affected by addiction, have boundaries, forgive, and most importantly, reconnect in recovery. Be your husband’s girlfriend again. Put on your lipstick, greet him at the door and enjoy the imperfect partner God gave you. Because the honest truth is, we’re all a mess. And that man? He loves yours.
Leah Grey is a Christian wild-child turned hope-giver, blogger and the founder of Grey Ministries. Canadian-born, she now lives in the greater New York City area (a.k.a. New Jersey) with her two loud sons, baby daughter and latin-lover husband.
Best known for her candid, faith-based approach, Leah challenges popular beliefs about addiction to support, encourage and empower women with loved ones who struggle with, or are in recovery from, addictions. She has been featured on multiple publications including ‘The Huffington Post,’ ‘The Mighty’ and ‘To Love, Honor and Vacuum’ and was the grand-prize winner of The Word Guild’s ‘In the Beginning’ Contest in 2017 for emerging Christian writers.
Since its launch in 2016, Grey Ministries has rapidly grown to 10k monthly readers and continues to grow daily; offering both free and paid eCourses, Bible studies and more. Readers love the Facebook peer support community, ‘Colour Me Happy’ and the giant wool prayer blankets by the ministry’s home and lifestyle brand GRACIE.
You can find Leah for virtual coffee dates and high-fives on Facebook, Twitter or her jam, Instagram. Young and techy? Use #helloleahgrey or #graciebygm!
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I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
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Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
I disagree on withholding sex from your spouse ever with the single bibical exception. If you go adding things like this it is wrong. Many husbands are not addicts but look at porn bc they are tempted by the loneliness in their marriage that should be filled by sex within their marriage. A woman can “drive” her husband to porn then use porn as the excuse to withhold sex.
Leah is writing about addictions, and what you are describing is something different. Nonetheless, a husband’s sin is always on his own shoulders–just as a wife’s sin is always on her. A wife’s withholding of sex can definitely create a loneliness that can invite temptations in–but it is still the husband’s responsibility to turn away from the sin. She may drive him to temptation, but she doesn’t drive him to the sin itself.
Yes his sin is on him. And her putting a stumbling block is on her as is her disobedience.
I’m just saying as a man who has heard every excuse in the book that a woman should not withhold sex for anything other than mutual agreement for a time of prayer ….. like the Bible says.
Let’s not try to give women yet another excuse to withhold sex from the men they claim to love.
If I suspect my wife of only marrying me for my income would you support cutting off her access to my money house food? Or only giving her the minimums? Doesn’t sound very do on to others as you would like have done on to you.
There is no bibical basis for withholding sex from your spouse. If you have one I would like to see it.
I’ve struggled with this a great deal. In my case, avoiding sex with my husband was a reflection of sin in my own heart. At the same time, it also involved a great deal of my own hurt. My husband was not sinning against me, although it would be fair to say that he also was not living with me in an understanding way. We both were doing a poor job of being a good spouse to one another.
Sex requires a woman to make herself vulnerable, both physically and emotionally. When her husband is the source of her hurt, doing this is far more difficult than most men can comprehend–even more so if that hurt comes in the form of sexual sin.
When a husband is unrepentantly sinning against his wife, what is the process she should go through in order to work past her own emotional pain and open her body to the one who has caused that pain? I know many wives who ask themselves that and honestly don’t know what to do–even though they believe that they should.
It isn’t just a simple thing to say that the Bible says a wife should give her husband sex–sex should not be a commodity. The Bible says a whole lot of things about marriage. 1 Corinthians 7 is not the only part of the Bible that instructs us on how to handle sex in marriage. When we look at it in conjunction with Matthew 18, 1 Peter 3:7, 1 Corinthians 13, we see a fuller picture.
Here’s the thing: There is a bigger picture here, and that is the marriage as a whole. Here is the question I often pose: What provides the best opportunity for the marriage to grow in complete intimacy (spiritual, emotional, and sexual)? If a wife is forcing herself to ignore her own hurt in order to have sex with an unrepentantly sinful husband, that sex is not going to build intimacy. Rather, it will counterfeit and destroy intimacy–just as it will if she avoids confronting her own sin and issues that interfere with her willingness to have sex.
What Leah is talking about here is far beyond the kind of situation where a woman is looking for an excuse to withhold sex. I would recommend that when a husband is in his addiction and is not seeking recovery, his wife should work with a Christian counselor or pastor who can guide her through the decisions about what is best in her specific situation.
But it is as simple as what does the Bible say.
What does the Bible say about being unequally yoked?
Is that wife allowed to disobey her God given husband?
Are Christian women married to Christian held to a lower standard than Christian women married to a non believer?
Again what scripture allowed to withhold good or marrital relations from the person your married to?
Especially given that the wife is the only one he should be turning to for sexual fulfillment.
You can’t refuse to fulfill marrital dutys and then be mad if he turns elsewhere.
In the OT he could get a 2nd wife. But in our modern feminist culture men are imprisoned in sexless marriages fearing the loss of everything in a divorce.
Again the “fuller picture” is like looking at a car that is missing oil.
(You put oil in it once::honeymoon)
Sure it looks ok. Sure it will run. But it won’t run well and it won’t run long. Because the maker didn’t design it to run with out oil.
Porn use that is a sinful response to a wife’s sexual avoidance may not be the same thing as a porn addiction. I’ve written quite a few posts about sexless marriages, and I’ve said the sexual refusal is sin.
This post is about dealing with addiction. Not all porn use is addiction. Furthermore, it is really important to note that the suggestions were part of how to seek healing of sexual intimacy. This is not the same thing as a pattern of sexual refusal. She is NOT suggesting setting aside sex as a punishment–but as part of a path toward healing. It’s fine that you don’t agree with the writer–but be sure you are looking at the entirety of the post and how that one piece fits in. You are reading it through the lens of your own situation, and that will affect how you see this.
You are correct that there is a difference between addiction and use.
However this article and others like it open it up for women to simply diagnose her husband an addict without and actual medical diagnosis.
There are women that will absolutely use this to withhold from their husbands tonight.
I’m still looking for the passage that counters Paul’s and Christ’s commands…
Do you starve a fat woman who is addicted to food?
No you give them health food in a manner that pleases the Lord.
WOAH! Have you ever slept with someone who is high on cocaine? Because it is ABUSIVE. The things my husband wanted to do were disgusting and you think I should have just allowed it?? When someone is high, they are strong. Tell me where in the Bible it says, “If your husband sexually abuses you, you can leave him”. It doesn’t. Would you tell a woman to stay with her husband who raped her? What do you think I did for all that time while I was married and NOT sleeping with my husband? Lusting after other men? Living life? What would be the point in staying married? I prayed like stink that my husband would find healing, he did and now we have a lovely, mutually satisfying sex life. And REGARDLESS, even looking at porn is adultery! I had Biblical ground to divorce him (as do all women in marriages with lustful, SINFUL men) and stayed faithful anyway. Your responses are exactly the reason so many women stay in abusive marriages to men who hurt them.
Thanks for taking time to respond, Leah. It is wrong to deprive a spouse of a healthy sexual relationship. An addicted husband is depriving his wife of that just as much as is a woman who is looking for an excuse for not having sex. Until someone is in recovery, their addiction is a drive that creates barriers to full intimacy.
YESSSS! Exactly.