Two Giant Steps Forward : Out of the Zone

She took the steps of "all lights and no clothes"--all at once.

For several weeks, I’ve written about the value of stepping outside our sexual comfort zones. I’ve shared some of my stories.

Now I am sharing stories from other women. They range from things from simple “just getting started” steps to activities that some women would consider “out there.” The steps these women will describe for you are all different, but they all share courage and a willingness to try something different.

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Today’s story is from belovedalways, who tells us about her decision to take two big steps at once. She tells us the steps she took to get comfortable with “all lights and no clothes” in front of her husband.

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The first step outside of my ‘comfort zone’ was a combination of turning the lights on and taking the clothes off. We’d been married over 30 years and we had degenerated into no lights and completely clothed for sex. Very sad. And pathetic. After birthing 6 children, I was super sensitive about having a soft little baby tummy below my belly button. I KNEW my abdomen was never ever going to be concave again no matter how hard I sucked it in while lying on my back. I couldn’t bear for my husband, Mr. Fantastic, to see me naked because of this negative body image, thus no lights and jammies on during any and all lovemaking.

Once I decided that I really needed to allow Mr. Fantastic to see me naked and allow skin on skin contact again, I needed to come up with a way to not freak myself completely out and still work on getting me to my goal of all lights and no clothes. Mother-may-I move TWO giant steps forward in seven league boots, please??

So as to not be overwhelmed, we solved the tummy problem by sliding my nightgown down to my waist during love making OR having me wear a short mini skirt w/a top that completely opened in the front. That way I still felt dressed or not so naked and vulnerable……Mr. Fantastic still likes to do either of these occasionally just to have fun and remind us of how far we’ve come. It takes time and baby steps.

We started w/a gown and ONE candle that was on top of the armoire. Eventually the candle moved to the desk in the corner-closer to the bed, and then to ONE nightstand. Then two candles,one on each nightstand. Then one night, the gown came all the way off. Then one bedside lamp came on-when that happened, the gown came back for a few nights until I got used to the new light level and then it was completely gone. Then both bedside lamps were on. Then daylight.

It’s been 14 months and I now dress and undress in front of Mr. Fantastic like I used to when we were first married and I was 18 years old and scrawny. And we’re both liking this new ‘comfort zone’ that we’re in.

She took the steps of "all lights and no clothes"--all at once.

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8 Comments on “Two Giant Steps Forward : Out of the Zone”

  1. This is a hubby speaking…
    Firstly congrat’s on your long loving marriage! And on your steps ‘outside your zone.’ FWIW, I just want to introduce one guy’s view on the topic of a mom’s body after X kids and XX years, and nakedness and lights and all.

    We’ve been married 35 yrs, approaching 60 yrs old, and have had 3 kids. So my wife has a lil ‘mommy tummy’ too. And I’m 25 lbs heavier than when I got out of college and we got married. In my own eyes- the eyes of the husband- that lil mommy tummy on her is a magnificent thing of beauty. It is quite literally living proof of our long love, and our achievement in having our children. It is something that no other woman in the world has. It is something that we made together, living evidence that we’ve given ourselves to each other quite completely. It’s similar to, but way better than, a tattoo that says something like ‘I belong to him/her … we’ve been together a long time, we’ve been thru a lot together, we’ve accomplished something wonderful together.’ And I’m the ONLY GUY IN THE WORLD who gets to see, admire, and make love to her lil mommy tummy. There is NOTHING more satisfying than that. Remember the Old Testament phrase “wife of your youth” — this is the greatest blessing of a long marriage (and older wife) in the whole world, IMHO.

    I realize not all hubby’s may think this way, and yours may not either. But I just want to put it out there, because it IS POSSIBLE that other husbands think something along those lines, and it IS POSSIBLE that YOUR husband thinks something similar. I just would like to introduce that thought and possibility into the minds of other wives/moms who are working thru issues of ‘what do I look like now’ or ‘what does he think of me.’ I’ve never talked about this specifically with other guy friends but I don’t think I’m the only guy, husband, and dad to think like this.

    I’m a guy – I’ll never fully understand the ladies’ challenges around “what do I look like, what does he think of me” and I CERTAINLY don’t mean to minimize those challenges – being a guy I have no idea and no right to have an opinion on that part. But I just thought I’d throw into the mix, one guy, husband, and dad’s view on it. I’d just say maybe don’t automatically go with the thought that if you don’t think you’re ready for a magazine, that your hubby isn’t crazy for you. He just might be, and he might be in spite of your age and/or body and his, and it might even be BECAUSE of your age and/body. Just be open to all these kinds of guy thoughts, cuz they are out there.

    Anyway … this is just FWIW. I know some couples have real challenges along these lines and my hopes and prayers are with each one of those couples. May God bless you with long + loving marriages.


    1. I agree Chris – the imperfections that come with childbearing and age are proof of a lifetime of love. Beside, love makes for the best rose colored glasses in the world. When I look at my wife through love, she is a perfect 10!

  2. To BelovedAlways,
    Thank you for sharing your story so publicly. This really resonates with me as well and I’m sure there are many women that are saying “ME TOO”! Bless you, sister! 🙂

  3. I wanted tell BelovedAlways thank you for sharing. I had read it the day it came out in my email, and just made it over to comment. Being naked is SCARY!

    And what a blessing it was to hear from a “man” about his perspective. Chris, thank you for sharing your side, and FW, thank you for letting that comment through.

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