Today is the tenth anniversary of the day I began to work on my struggles with sex.
Ten years.
Where It All Began
On September 5, 2010, I joined the now-defunct boards at The Marriage Bed. Even before I participated, I read thousands of words that pointed me to God’s design for sex in marriage, showed me the pain my husband was experiencing in a way I hadn’t been able to grasp before, helped me develop a healthier perspective on sex.
After two years of reading on the boards, I finally introduced myself. I waded in tentatively, sure that my many years of avoiding sex and rejecting my husband’s sexual advances would be a black mark against me in that community. Instead, I found myself welcomed.
I know some of my TMB friends read this blog from time to time, so I want to take a moment to say something to them:
Thank you, again, for the encouragement, information, insight, and wisdom that you shared with me. I can never begin to express my gratitude for what you have done for me. (Just for fun, I’ve uploaded a copy of my goodbye post, in which I managed to take over 880 words to say thank you.)
Where It Led
Ten years feels like a pretty significant milestone. I’ve been on this journey for a whole decade, and while I haven’t arrived yet, I’m thrilled to see how far I’ve come.
I’m also amazed by some of the benefits of being on this journey.
Some of the benefits are just what you would expect:
- Our sex life is better.
- My husband is happier.
- We no longer fight about sex.
- We’ve both had more orgasms.
These things don’t surprise me. Although I wasn’t sure any of my effort would actually work, I knew all along that if my effort did happen to work, these are the benefits I would expect to see.
But there’s a lot that did surprise me—benefits of this journey that have surprised and delighted me.
So that’s what I’d like to share with you today. In honor of ten years of this journey, I want to make a list of ten unexpected benefits I’ve seen from working on sex.
10 Unexpected Benefits
- My kids learned that people can change and grow. While they may not know the specifics, they watched me change how I interacted with their dad in many ways. They saw the change in our relationship dynamics. They learned that effort can lead to real and positive change.
- Every aspect of our marriage improved. I expected our sex life to improve—but I didn’t expect our ability to communicate to improve, or our enjoyment of non-sexual time together, or the overall intimacy that grew. I had no idea that sex had anything to do with all that other stuff. Turns out it does.
- I feel free. For years I’d considered myself low-libido, frigid, broken, and so on. My difficulty with sex had me convinced that I was a broken wife, and that’s how I saw myself most of the time. As I worked on sex, I discovered that my sexual issues not only didn’t define me, they weren’t even accurate. I now feel free to be the way God designed me to be, without concern that doing something that helped me feel good about myself might turn my husband on and encourage him to approach me for sex.
- I experienced healing. I had carried around my baggage and wounds for so long that it hadn’t occurred to me that I could be rid of them—yet that’s exactly what happened. As I unpacked and addressed the issues that interfered with sex, hidden things large and small came into the light. And in the light, they faded away. I can still see scars, but they no longer cause me pain.
- I enjoy being married. I began this journey for my husband’s sake. It didn’t occur to me that our marriage would improve in any ways that I would actually experience. But our marriage has improved, Big Guy has done some of his own work, and most days I really do enjoy being married.
- I feel sexy around my husband. When I’m out in the world, I tend to feel frumpy and unattractive. Around my husband, though, I feel like Eve—the woman who captivates her man’s attention and can still him simply by giving him a glimpse of her charms. True story: I have stopped arguments mid-stream by flashing my husband.
- I am more relaxed around my husband. All the tension that I felt for years is simply gone. No matter how much stress I feel in other areas of my life, when my husband holds me I can feel the tension leave. Just being in his presence is calming.
- I’ve developed tools that help me in all my relationships, not just in my marriage. All that work I did on interacting with my husband spilled into other interactions in my life. I communicated more effectively with my sons. I learned to acknowledge my mistakes and ask for forgiveness in friendships. I learned to take deep breaths before responding to others.
- My relationship with God has grown. Sex had been a barrier between God and me. I had been so aware of God’s judgement that I had forgotten about His mercy and grace. As the sexual barrier between my husband and me was dismantled, I discovered that I was seeing God more clearly as well.
- I found new purpose in my life. Of all the things that have surprised me, this marriage ministry gig is the biggest. I have a blog. Along with ministry partners, I have a second blog and two podcasts. I run an online community for wives and co-manage one for husbands. I work with wives who are working on sex. God had given me the desire to be a writer and to help other women. I did those things in small ways for years—but through working on sex, I discovered that my biggest healing would lead to my clearest calling. God had been preparing me for this work for my entire life. And here I am.
What About You?
If you’ve been on a journey to work on sex, I’d love to hear from you in the comments. What unexpected benefits have you experienced?
Image credit | canva.com
I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
Please join me at Honeycomb & Spice.
Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
I just wanted to say, Congratulations‼️. You’re a huge encouragement that change is possible. Thank you (in under 800 words!)
🙂
Dear Chris,
Without a doubt your blog has influenced many women and some men in positive life-changing ways! As a husband, I can testify that my first wife (30 years) and second wife (10 years) have seemed to understand the importance of sex to husbands but also overall to the married relationship. I have been blessed by God with both wives in that department, I never forget to thank Him. And I have tried my best to show my appreciation to both ladies in ways they like.
I have a maybe weird question. I do not have a reason to suspect there is a problem – but – I would like to share some of your information with my sons (and their wives). All are committed Christians, thankfully. I’ll bet they do not know what you know (and I know). I clumsily tried to talk to one of my sons about some of these points, but frankly I just wasn’t my usual eloquent self 🙂
Should I just butt out and never mention anything about this kind of thing unless asked?
Or is there a way to helpfully drop a hint or a suggestion to the son, or the couple? (I wouldn’t dare talk to the wives alone.)
You may know the nationally syndicated talk host and author, Dennis Prager, has for years very directly encouraged couples to understand the sexual needs of men and the women’s opportunity (maybe even duty) to help — because good sex, relatively frequent sex, is good for men in so many ways that translate into a better marital relationship, just as you say. Many women have phoned in to tell stories like yours, Chris.
So I’m asking about how to share this life changing, marriage improving, information with my own sons and daughters in law — without sounding like a sex nut grandpa 😉
-Rick
I think you should be able to offer some resources without seeming creepy.
Put together a gift bag that contains J Parker’s Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations about Sex for Married Couples and a printed list of blog and podcast resources. (If you can afford to also provide a weekend getaway, including babysitting or pet watching, all the better!) When you give the bag to each couple, say that some crazy lady on the internet (that would be me) pointed out that marital intimacy needs tending, and that’s especially true for younger couples who are still creating patterns and habits in their marriages. So you decided that you wanted to give them some resources to encourage them in that endeavor. Stress that they never have to talk to you about the gift bag, but they are always welcome to approach you if they would like.
Thank you, Chris! I’ll check out that book immediately and go from there!
Rick, I am curious as to why you think Dennis Prager would be helpful? He has been married 3 times, He is not a Christian, and he does not have edifying views of women. I know in some Christian circles it is thought the wife should have sex whenever and however the husband wants—-but most women don’t want to be encouraged to have sex with their husbands by someone who doesn’t see women with a minimum amount of dignity or respect.
I don’t hold not being a Christian against him—–many non-Christians are capable of treating others with dignity and respect—-but he is not. But if your sons and their spouses are devoted Christians, surely you can find a better resource than Prager.
I would challenge those who say they are encouraging women to see if what they are writing is more about being just an instrument for their husbands needs or if they are considering a women’s dignity in what they write.
Kate, based upon your comment, I am guessing you may not have heard Dennis Prager speak on these issues. I’ve listened to Dennis Prager since 1983 when I was studying for the LSAT. Some years I lived where he wasn’t broadcast, but in the last 15 years I’ve probably heard at least 1500 hours of his broadcasts. I’ve read two of his books and dozens of his columns.
Most relevant on this subject is his “male female hour,” which occurs nearly every week on Wednesdays and focuses on male-female issues of all sorts. Women flock to call that program, and it is always interesting and mind opening. Especially relevant are the many episodes when Alison Armstrong appears as a guest to discuss relationship and intimacy topics. (Her website and materials dovetail with Chris’s here.)
My wife is a listener, and we have attended some personal appearances of Dennis Prager in the last few years. In my relatively broad experience, I have not once heard him say anything to suggest he holds women in low regard. Not once.
If you look for bloggers or websites that choose to attack Dennis Prager, well, then you’ll get their opinions. When you hear what Dennis has actually said, you learn most or all of the attacks are agenda-driven, not fact driven.
Most important here is that many people are favorably inclined to help husbands and wives build better and happier relationships, and Chris’s work is magnificent. I think we can agree on that 🙂
Congratulations on these improvements you have made in your life. My wife and I have the same question: what did you actually do to help you get these advances? Have you written a plan that we can follow?
Growth isn’t a one-size-fits-all prospect, but I’ve written a lot about my own journey and the steps I took.
Here are just a few:
Chris,
Many thanks for all you have done to help others on the same path. Loved your blog when I first saw it, and still do.
Thanks so much for all your encouragement over the years. More important, thanks for TMB!
I am literally crying reading this. Your growth is so beautiful and stretches out to create more beautiful places in your marriage. I am crying because I’m grieving the lack of this connection in my marriage. You couldn’t see how a poor sex life crept into many aspects of your marriage and self-esteem. My husband can’t see it either. He is, (we are) missing out on so much.
I’m struggling with doing this well, with living a married celibate life that honors God and my husband
This is such a lovely and sad comment. I will pray for your husband to want to grow in your marriage.
BA, I’ll pray for you if you’ll pray for me. (To save Chris doing all the praying!!) Praying now that your husband will realise what he’s missing.
We’re the other way round. My wife just doesn’t seem to be able to see the benefit of warm mutually satisfying fun between the sheets.
God bless you.
This is amazing to read and see how these changes brought such joy to your life. Congratulations on 10 years!
For the happiness I have for you and the encouragement this brings, it is also bittersweet for me. I wish with all of my heart that I could be waltzing down that road to the intimacy you have now, to make that same journey. It just feels so far away and so impossible. I considered myself making great progress before the virus hit, and in the beginning of quarantine. But now…it’s been months. And I feel like I’ve taken 5000 steps back into a place further than we’ve been. And I truly hate myself for it. I’ve been conscious of my struggles with sex for the past year and yet things have only gotten worse. This post is so encouraging and yet feels so unobtainable.
I’m sorry to vent and bring such negativity here. This is the only outlet I have to share my feelings about this and have people that may somewhat understand the situation.
Oh, sweetie, big hugs for you. Sometimes the most important steps are the first ones we take after we slide backwards. Just take some deep breaths, and start where you are. I may be dancing now, but I dragged my feet every step of the way for a long while. The pandemic threw a wrench into a lot of lives. It has created stresses and challenges that no one was really prepared for. You may have been pushed way back–but just reading this blog post and sharing your heart is a good, good step forward. I will pray for you tonight.
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I’m trying to believe with all my heart that progress like yours is possible in our lives. We’re still so young and with so much to live and enjoy. It’s just figuring out how to get there. Thank you for the prayers, they mean so much.
Kaylie, just wanted to connect and say I’m right there with you. The guilt, hopelessness, and all. I find myself just wanting to give up even hoping that we’ll (I’LL) be different someday. I sincerely hoped quarantine would bring us closer, but it just made us better roomies, and more disconnected spouses. We have been married less than a decade and have only been sexually intimate twice in the last 3 years. I say that only because I don’t want you to feel alone. Just being here and seeing that I am not the only one has been very helpful. ❤
Finding your blog in this season has been a godsend. This is an inspiring post. So… for a couple who has not been sexually active in over a year, and then another year+ before that (my hesitancy in the beginning of our marriage and getting past wounds from his past sins, and now neither of us even trying), where do I START? We are roommates at this point. What’s step 1?
I’m glad you found the blog. You may find some helpful tips in this posts listed on this page.
Those are all related to moving forward with sex, and it may be that your first steps will be rebuilding intimacy outside the bedroom. That will be good for demonstrating contrition for what you’ve done wrong in the marriage and also forgiveness for what your husband has done wrong. As you begin to experience more intimacy in other ways, you should grow more comfortable with physical proximity and contact, and it may become easier to start a conversation about sex.
You might want to see if anything in these posts can help:
Nurture Your Non-Sexual Intimacy
8 Ways to Stay Intimate Even When Life Gets in the Way of Sex