As you can probably guess from the title, this post will be a bit spicier than many of my other posts. If you are just beginning your journey to restore the sexual intimacy in your marriage, you may want to pass on this one for now.
This post addresses situations where you truly feel you have a choice. If your husband is placing unloving pressure on you or is asking to you sin, this post is not for you. If your husband’s request makes you feel fear or anxiety, then you may have some other work to do first. You may find this post more helpful.
On your journey to improved sexual intimacy, you may get to a point where your husband asks you do something that is so far outside your comfort zone that you think it’s just a little kinky.
You are uncomfortable even thinking about this sexual act. You look through the bible, desperately searching for verses that show why the act is wrong and you find . . . nothing. As much as you want this thing to be prohibited, it doesn’t seem to be. You don’t understand why your husband is interested in it, and you don’t see how it can possibly improve the sexual intimacy in your marriage.
However, you’ve made a decision to stretch yourself and be more sexually generous, so you’ve decided to give it a try. Maybe you feel a little hurt that your husband wants something that he should know is out of character and uncomfortable for you—but you know that he loves you and you’re glad that he feels safe enough to ask you for something new.
So you’ve decided that you’re going to try to figure out how to do this kinky thing for your husband as an act of love and generosity.
So what do you do? What are the actual steps you would take in order to be able to do this wild thing that your husband has requested?
As a baby step enthusiast, I’d like to suggest some stages you can work through to become comfortable being a little wild and kinky out of love for your husband.
I’m going to use several examples here. I am not saying that I think they’re kinky, but they are all things that women have written to me about and have used phrases like “kinky,” “weird,”, and “out there” to describe them so I figure they can work as illustrations:
- Dressing up as a sexy pirate wench who uses salty bedroom language.
- Using a vibrator.
- Being dominant in some way, which might include directing the entire sexual encounter to provide your pleasure, tying up your husband, or wearing a leather dominatrix costume.
While I don’t believe any of these examples is sin, if you believe they are, think of your own examples to apply as you read about these steps.
- Learn as much as you can. If it helps you to have information, do some research. Read to help you understand the physical and psychological pleasure of the activity. Seek out information from other Christian wives about their experiences. If there are props involved, look at them. Visit a sex toy shop and try out the different vibrators on your arm to see how they feel. Look at costumes. If you are hesitant to go into a sex toy shop, you can visit online sites for Christian couples. Married Dance (affiliate link) has safe descriptions and images, as do a few other sites that market to married Christian couples. Learning about the activity should help you become more comfortable with the general idea of it.
- Bring your mind into the bedroom. Start to mentally play with your husband’s request during sexual encounters. As you and your husband enjoy each other, let your mind drift toward what he has requested. If he wants to use a vibrator, when you are looking into his eyes while he manually stimulates you, imagine looking into his eyes as he uses a vibrator to stimulate you. Or look into his eyes and imagine a piratic eye patch over one of them. Or think the salty language he’d like you to try even if you can’t say it out loud. Or imagine how it would look if he had his feet tied to the bed. Think of it just for a brief moment, and then bring your mind back to what you’re doing. The point is to help yourself become mentally comfortable with the wild idea while you’re being sexual.
- Introduce the wild thing as a small part of your lovemaking sometimes. If your husband wants to play pirate and wench, you can ask him to wear an eye patch during foreplay and then remove it before intercourse. If he wants you to be dominant, give him one small instruction about what to do with you sexually, even if it’s something that doesn’t really matter to you (like which breast he should touch first). If he wants you to wear a costume that you aren’t comfortable with, wear only part of it. Or, you can wear it along with something that helps you feel pretty. (There’s no rule against wearing your favorite lacy pink negligee with those black stilettos, right?) Keep the leather get-up on only for the first five minutes of foreplay so he gets the visual impact. Have the vibrator turned on so you hear the sound but without it touching you. The idea here is to add in a few touches of the wild thing without replacing the things that help you feel comfortable and loved.
- Increase the presence of the wild thing in your sexual encounters. Begin to spend more time with the vibrator, keep the eye patch on longer, whisper the words he wants to hear, keep the leather on longer. Continue with the vanilla things that you love, but let his desired activity become a stronger presence throughout your lovemaking. Move from a “mostly vanilla with a little kink” lovemaking experience to a “mostly kink with a little vanilla” one.
- Connect the wild thing to your own sexual pleasure. If your husband really wants to see you orgasm with a vibrator, this stage might involve him giving you an orgasm with his hands or mouth on your clitoris while using the vibrator on your labia. If you’re being a sexy pirate wench, open your eyes at orgasm so you see the eye patch and bandana your husband is wearing. If you are wearing leather, touch the leather yourself during your climax. If your husband wants you to be more dominant, then try using command-type phrases that tell him what to do to you as he’s doing it. You are trying to associate your own sexual pleasure with these new things.
- Go wild! The last stage is to let an entire sexual encounter be non-vanilla. Even if the activity doesn’t do anything extra for you, the knowledge that you’ve successfully worked so hard to love your husband this way should make you feel pretty good. You may find out that you like the activity a little, too. By this point, you should be comfortable with the mental and physical experiences of the wild and kinky activity your husband has asked for.
Take your time working through these stages. Talk to your husband about what you’re doing so he knows that you are actually working on it, but allow yourself to go slowly unless you know that you’re a “jump in the deep end” kind of gal.
See other posts that address these ideas
- Say What? Sexy Talk in the Bedroom
- Do I Have To?
- Baby Steps for Moving Forward
- Is Fantasy Okay in a Christian Marriage?
- A Toy Store Story
- The Comfort Zone
- The Macaroni and Cheese Lesson: Stepping Your Toes Outside Your Comfort Zone
- The Hokey Pokey: Throwing Your Whole Self Out of Your Comfort Zone
- Let There Be Light: Out of the Zone
- Are You Uncomfortable?
- Two Giant Steps Forward : Out of the Zone
Have you worked hard at getting comfortable doing something non-vanilla in your marriage bed? I’d love to hear your suggestions in the comments.
Image courtesy of m_bartosch at FreeDigitalPhotos.net