What steps do you take to get comfortable with a non-vanilla sexual activity?

As you can probably guess from the title, this post will be a bit spicier than many of my other posts. If you are just beginning your journey to restore the sexual intimacy in your marriage, you may want to pass on this one for now.

This post addresses situations where you truly feel you have a choice. If your husband is placing unloving pressure on you or is asking to you sin, this post is not for you. If your husband’s request makes you feel fear or anxiety, then you may have some other work to do first. You may find this post more helpful.


On your journey to improved sexual intimacy, you may get to a point where your husband asks you do something that is so far outside your comfort zone that you think it’s just a little kinky.

You are uncomfortable even thinking about this sexual act. You look through the bible, desperately searching for verses that show why the act is wrong and you find . . . nothing. As much as you want this thing to be prohibited, it doesn’t seem to be. You don’t understand why your husband is interested in it, and you don’t see how it can possibly improve the sexual intimacy in your marriage.

However, you’ve made a decision to stretch yourself and be more sexually generous, so you’ve decided to give it a try.  Maybe you feel a little hurt that your husband wants something that he should know is out of character and uncomfortable for you—but you know that he loves you and you’re glad that he feels safe enough to ask you for something new.

So you’ve decided that you’re going to try to figure out how to do this kinky thing for your husband as an act of love and generosity.

So what do you do? What are the actual steps you would take in order to be able to do this wild thing that your husband has requested?


As a baby step enthusiast, I’d like to suggest some stages you can work through to become comfortable being a little wild and kinky out of love for your husband.

I’m going to use several examples here. I am not saying that I think they’re kinky, but they are all things that women have written to me about and have used phrases like “kinky,” “weird,”, and “out there” to describe them so I figure they can work as illustrations:

  • Dressing up as a sexy pirate wench who uses salty bedroom language.
  • Using a vibrator.
  • Being dominant in some way, which might include directing the entire sexual encounter to provide your pleasure, tying up your husband, or wearing a leather dominatrix costume.

While I don’t believe any of these examples is sin, if you believe they are, think of your own examples to apply as you read about these steps.

  1. Learn as much as you can. If it helps you to have information, do some research. Read to help you understand the physical and psychological pleasure of the activity. Seek out information from other Christian wives about their experiences. If there are props involved, look at them. Visit a sex toy shop and try out the different vibrators on your arm to see how they feel. Look at costumes. If you are hesitant to go into a sex toy shop, you can visit online sites for Christian couples. Married Dance (affiliate link) has safe descriptions and images, as do a few other sites that market to married Christian couples. Learning about the activity should help you become more comfortable with the general idea of it.
  2. Bring your mind into the bedroom. Start to mentally play with your husband’s request during sexual encounters. As you and your husband enjoy each other, let your mind drift toward what he has requested. If he wants to use a vibrator, when you are looking into his eyes while he manually stimulates you, imagine looking into his eyes as he uses a vibrator to stimulate you. Or look into his eyes and imagine a piratic eye patch over one of them. Or think the salty language he’d like you to try even if you can’t say it out loud. Or imagine how it would look if he had his feet tied to the bed. Think of it just for a brief moment, and then bring your mind back to what you’re doing. The point is to help yourself become mentally comfortable with the wild idea while you’re being sexual.
  3. Introduce the wild thing as a small part of your lovemaking sometimes. If your husband wants to play pirate and wench, you can ask him to wear an eye patch during foreplay and then remove it before intercourse. If he wants you to be dominant, give him one small instruction about what to do with you sexually, even if it’s something that doesn’t really matter to you (like which breast he should touch first). If he wants you to wear a costume that you aren’t comfortable with, wear only part of it. Or, you can wear it along with something that helps you feel pretty. (There’s no rule against wearing your favorite lacy pink negligee with those black stilettos, right?) Keep the leather get-up on only for the first five minutes of foreplay so he gets the visual impact. Have the vibrator turned on so you hear the sound but without it touching you. The idea here is to add in a few touches of the wild thing without replacing the things that help you feel comfortable and loved.
  4. Increase the presence of the wild thing in your sexual encounters. Begin to spend more time with the vibrator, keep the eye patch on longer, whisper the words he wants to hear, keep the leather on longer. Continue with the vanilla things that you love, but let his desired activity become a stronger presence throughout your lovemaking. Move from a “mostly vanilla with a little kink” lovemaking experience to a “mostly kink with a little vanilla” one.
  5. Connect the wild thing to your own sexual pleasure. If your husband really wants to see you orgasm with a vibrator, this stage might involve him giving you an orgasm with his hands or mouth on your clitoris while using the vibrator on your labia. If you’re being a sexy pirate wench, open your eyes at orgasm so you see the eye patch and bandana your husband is wearing. If you are wearing leather, touch the leather yourself during your climax. If your husband wants you to be more dominant, then try using command-type phrases that tell him what to do to you as he’s doing it. You are trying to associate your own sexual pleasure with these new things.
  6. Go wild! The last stage is to let an entire sexual encounter be non-vanilla. Even if the activity doesn’t do anything extra for you, the knowledge that you’ve successfully worked so hard to love your husband this way should make you feel pretty good. You may find out that you like the activity a little, too. By this point, you should be comfortable with the mental and physical experiences of the wild and kinky activity your husband has asked for.

Take your time working through these stages. Talk to your husband about what you’re doing so he knows that you are actually working on it, but allow yourself to go slowly unless you know that you’re a “jump in the deep end” kind of gal.

See other posts that address these ideas

Have you worked hard at getting comfortable doing something non-vanilla in your marriage bed? I’d love to hear your suggestions in the comments.

Image courtesy of m_bartosch at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

7 Thoughts on “Can a Christian Wife Learn to Be Wild?

  1. MrsStud on April 17, 2015 at 5:01 pm said:

    Very practical and fun – great article!

  2. tiffanie2014 on April 17, 2015 at 7:18 pm said:

    Great post Chris! My biggest issue is the sexy/dirty talking.. I feel weird doing it, and it makes me feel like slut saying the things I want actually out loud. I have in the past (with a little help from a glass of wine), but stone cold sober I can’t seem to muster the courage!

  3. Hisbeautifulbride on April 21, 2015 at 3:31 pm said:

    Obviously the Bible isn’t very specific when it comes to these acts as being specifically sinful but I just wonder where these desires come from? These acts are not described in Song of Solomon but instead most people have heard about role playing, toys and light bondage from mainstream movies or porn. To have a sexual encounter using worldy practices is something I’m personally not sure about or question. I do know God created sex with just our bodies in mind, He didn’t add any external element to it. The Bible calls us to not be like the world but to be separate from it. I’m not sure how you can take a worldly sex act where the idea has come from media and use it in your holy marriage. Sex was very good when God created it so why add to His perfect gift with questionable things?
    Also why would a spouse want you to pretend to be something you’re not just to “spice things up”? Wouldn’t that mean that spouse’s own character, personality and soul just isn’t enough any more for sexual excitement? The journey of sex is like reading the Bible, we don’t always get a new revelation all the time but we continue reading it (or doing it) until we do because we’ve never “arrived”. We don’t start reading the Book of Mormon because we’re bored with the Bible. But we could start a new reading plan, join a new BIble Study, or pray about it (try a new position, new place, new perfume, pray for God’s ideas for your bedroom).
    Or why would bondage even if it’s light entice you when bondage is always a negative thing, it is not a loving demonstration but is always associated with physical pain and emotional distress (i.e. war, murder, rape, kidnapping, BDSM, etc). Jesus even states how He doesn’t want us in bondage but has made us free (Whom the Son sets free is free indeed) His whole mantra and a huge theme in the Bible is about getting us out of bondage and into freedom.
    I guess we have to look at the heart behind these things and the roots of where these ideas come from when we want to have sex with our spouse, are they God inspired or World inspired (something you read about, heard about or saw). As I said I’m not too sure about these things, just sharing the true concerns that are on my heart and not passing judgement at all here. I know the marriage bed is undefiled but does that mean we can take ideas from a defiled world and make it part of our holy spiritual covenant with God and our spouse?

    • Thank you for taking time to share your comments, questions, and concerns, Hisbeautifulbride.

      Rather than think about “spicy” desires as being worldly, I think of the worldly expression of those desires being a perversion of the wonderful joy God designed for us to experience in the marriage bed. I see God’s design for sex as including our wonderful imaginations and curiosity. God made us to wonder how things would feel in different positions and how different kinds of touches in different places would feel. I believe the desire for many spicy practices comes from the way God designed us. I don’t believe that the world invented those desires.

      Some people would say that even if a man comes up with the idea of a particular act from porn, if it provokes his desire to enjoy that act with his wife, it is still acceptable within the bounds of a holy marriage (even though he has sinned and needs to repent of that). I have mixed feelings about that, but I want to mention it because it gives another way of seeing these acts in relation to marriage.

      Role playing is something that can be a bit tricky, I think. (I wrote about it in this post.) Many couples enjoy it not as a way of pretending to be something else as much as focusing on one aspect of who they are. For instance, a man may want his wife to pretend to be a nurse–not because he wants her to be someone else but because the nurse outfit (which is totally unrealistic compared to what real nurses wear) triggers feelings of being nurtured and cared for in his heart.

      As for bondage, some couples find that it is not a negative thing. Sex Within Marriage explains this much better than I can. If both spouses want it and can cancel it at any time, does that really count as bondage in the way that Jesus meant?

      Each couple should pray about what is okay in their marriage bed. We can seek our own hearts to better understand the roots of our desires. My husband and I don’t think we are adding to God’s perfect gift when we spice things up. We see it as using his perfect gift to strengthen the intimacy between us–but that’s us. The very process of seeking God’s will on this together strengthens a couple’s intimacy as well, and that is a good thing.

      • Loyalone on February 2, 2016 at 7:53 am said:

        Love your postings Chris. Actually 1 Corinthians 7:33 & 34 are helpful where both spouses are called to care about the things of the world…that they may please each other.

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