According to my husband’s and sons’ closets, men have just a few pairs of shoes: tennis shoes, black shoes, brown shoes, and work boots. Women, according to my own closet, have an explosive variety of shoes. I’m not even a shoe hound like some of my friends are, but I have several pairs of black shoes, several pairs of brown shoes, multiple kinds of sandals, some blue shoes, a pair of neon pink flip-flops, several pairs of tennies, a pair of hard-to-walk-in white sandals that I need to remember to wear before Labor Day sometime, and more.

“Why do you need so many shoes?” my husband asks. “I don’t need them, dear,” I say. “I want them and enjoy them. Different shoes fit different moods. Sometimes I want a professional look, and sometimes I want fun. I want my shoes to go with my outfit. If my toenails are painted a cute color, I want open-toed shoes—but when the nail polish needs to be redone, closed toes are better. Shoes can set my mood for the day. They’ll determine how my legs feel at the end of the day. If I have to do a lot of walking, I’m going to choose my shoes thoughtfully.” When it comes to shoes, many women love variety.

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono at

But what about sex?

“What’s wrong with missionary position?” a wife may ask. “After all, he still gets an orgasm, so why does it matter how he gets there?” Or she’ll wonder why her husband wants the lights on sometimes. Or why he wants her to bother with lingerie that will stay on her for less than five minutes. Or why he asks for oral sex while she’s kneeling, when lying down is usually good enough. Or why he makes a sudden request for doggie style. Or, heaven forbid, he wants something “kinky,” like tying her up or anal play or whipped cream or a French maid’s uniform or a blindfold or a vibrator or a video camera. “What is wrong with missionary position, and maybe an occasional woman-on-top episode? Seriously, isn’t our usual good enough?”

Nothing is wrong with missionary position—but why would you want missionary position every single time?

During my gate-keeping and refusing years, I restricted my husband’s sexual menu. Lights off. Missionary position (well, once our tummies grew past the point where this was comfortable, a different position became our standard). T-shirt stayed on. He did all the work. On the rare occasions when he was willing to risk my wrath or derision to ask for something different, my response was usually along the lines of “Why do you care, as long as you get an orgasm?” or “You complain about not getting enough sex, but now you’re telling me that even that isn’t good enough?” It was bad enough that I was depriving my husband of sex so often, but even when he did get lucky, it was the same old stuff, every single time.

You know what? It was just as boring for me. Sure, your husband benefits from variety in your sex life. But don’t you deserve a great sex life, too?

Sex is designed to give us pleasure—and, really, how pleasurable can it be to do the same thing, every single time? “Good enough” does not equal “good.”

Different positions create different sensations. The head of his penis will provide different pressure in a slightly different place in your vagina if you are in rear-entry position (aka, doggie style). The depth of penetration is different. The blood flow to the clitoris feels different in rear-entry or woman-on-top than in missionary. A tongue and breath feel different than fingers or a penis. Being able to see your husband’s eyes as he reaches orgasm is a different and more intimate experience than everyone keeping their eyes closed or having the lights off. Pretending to be different than you are in your usual lives can bring your imagination to bear on your pleasure in unexpected ways.

A different position, a prop, a new activity, a non-bedroom location, or what you wear can affect your physical sensations and your mental and emotional experience.

Why on earth wouldn’t you want to try as much as possible? God gave you a great playground called your marriage bed. Sex is grown-up married fun. Your husband’s body along with yours can create pleasure in so many ways.

Do you really want to have just one thing on the menu, just one pair of shoes? Think about how wonderful it would be to have a closet full of shoes for every occasion and mood in your married life.

How many shoes are in your closet?

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11 Thoughts on “How Many Shoes Are in Your Closet?

  1. Great post. This is a very good way to think of this topic. Thanks.

  2. FANTASTIC post! I have never had a problem of gate keeping but there have been times when we fall into a comfortable routine and don’t stray outside “the box”. But I love having different “shoes” in our marriage closet. Variety adds wonder and fun to anyone’s married bed! I think it is wonderful when bloggers are willing to post about these topics that sometimes people see as taboo. Great job!

  3. Brilliant! You have explained this better than I have ever seen it done. Thank You!

  4. Julie on August 9, 2013 at 6:55 am said:


  5. Nthabi on August 10, 2013 at 4:06 am said:

    Wow,I love the fact that this encourages us married couples to experiment and most importantly have FUN in our sex life , I enjoy dressing up in super HOT sexy langerie and this drives my husband bonkers 😀 , thanks for the great advise

  6. Great job, as usual. I enjoy your ability to tie things together so well. Who would have thunk it? Shoes and sex, yet it was great!! BTW – I have lots of shoes, but most of them are running shoes in various stages of wear.

    Variety is a wonderful thing in almost everything.

  7. Clever, poignant, but most of all… piercing.
    Chris, you have painted a word picture that women (and men) can really relate to.

    You have a creative mind.

    • Thank you. My prayer with each post is that there will be one woman who gains new insight that will help her marriage. I figure at least one shoe-hound woman will understand her husband’s desire for variety after reading this.

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