At the end of last week, Paul at The Generous Husband challenged marriage bloggers to look for ways to celebrate the male sex drive.
I admit–this is a difficult week for me to do that. My husband’s sex drive has slowed down due to his current medical issues, resulting in me being the one simmering with unfulfilled sexual tension and a feeling of disconnection from him.
I read Paul’s post on Saturday and found myself heavy-hearted. Yeah, right, celebrate the male sex drive. If only I could. At the moment, I feel like mourning the male sex drive. But mourning is kind of like celebrating something, though, right?
For most of our marriage, I would wake up in the morning to feel my husband’s erect penis pressed against my backside. It was part of waking up, part of our daily existence as a married couple. More often than not, it would not lead to sex. Even so, it was an ever-present daily reminder of my husband’s sex drive, part of the foundation our family was built on.
Even at the depths of my refusal during our darkest times, my sleep-fogged brain found comfort in the feeling of morning wood as my husband slumbered, wrapped around me. During my waking hours, I was full of distrust, busy-ness, righteous indigation, selifishness, and every other obstacle my mind constructed between my husband and me. But before I was fully awake, my body knew the rightness of my husband’s body reaching toward mine. And sometimes, before I let my waking mind take over, my hand would reach back to say, “Be with me. Connect with me. Let our bodies do what God designed them to do.” Whether slow on the mornings we could linger or rushing to beat the snooze alarm, these morning interludes–when our bodies rejoined in a one-flesh ecstacy–always left me with a sense of rightness and completion as I started my day.
With our minds, sins, and issues set aside by sleep, our bodies simply did what God made them to do–call and respond, connect, and love. Even at our sexual nadir, my husband’s sex drive as manifested in his morning wood gave me what I needed–even when I didn’t think I wanted it.
As we aged, our marriage floundered, and the medical problems settled in, the morning erections stopped. I don’t know when it happened. I just know that one morning I woke up to find my husband wrapped around me with no erection between us. I remember thinking that I couldn’t even remember the last time it had been there. At that time before I began to make sexual changes, I expected my mind to celebrate the proof of a slow-down in my husband’s sex drive. I was shocked to feel my body and soul mourn the passing of morning wood. Tears rolled down my face.
By the end of this summer, my husband’s medical issues should be under control. I pray for a return of his sex drive. Paul said in his post, “The male sex drive is God’s creation, and we need to learn how to use it as God intended.” I look forward to doing just that, with great pleasure.