I wrote about moving forward by taking Just One Step. Sounds simple, right? It is.
But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I honestly had no idea if my efforts would make any difference. There were weeks when my old habits kicked back in and it felt like I was starting over. It was just so darned hard so much of the time.
And as if it weren’t hard enough to retrain myself, my husband was a challenge, too. He was so busy seeing what he wanted, big picture, that he didn’t recognize any efforts at all. In fact, I think it was maybe a full year into the process when he said that it was nice I wasn’t picking fights about sex anymore (he finally noticed!), but gee, wouldn’t it be nice if you’d do xyz [insert sex act that’s one step up from vanilla] some day.
Seriously, dude? I’ve been working my butt off to retrain my brain how to repond to you and I still have to hear that it isn’t enough? Will it ever be enough? Will I ever be enough?
I gave up many times.
Husbands who are refused seem to think there’s just a switch we can flip and all of a sudden we will be sexually changed. Sometimes, this does happen. But for some of us, it is hard, hard work. It takes courage. It feels like failure as much as it feels like success.
So why keep going?
Because every successful effort makes deposits in the bank of marital intimacy. Sex bonds us. As I started to be more involved in bed, my husband and I both felt more bonded to each other. We still had fights about sex–but there was a huge difference. This time, all the bonding we’d been doing here and there made it easier for us to react with less anger and hurt. We were building up the baseline of our marriage, making it easier for us to cope together with issues that arose. Every success made the backsliding shorter and easier to deal with.
Changing was simple but not easy. This is one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life, and I know I still have a way to go. But sisters, while it isn’t easy, it does get easier. And it is completely worth the sweat and tears you will put into it.