When I share the story of my journey from refusing to where I am now, it sounds nice and simple, clean and straightforward. It looks like a nice little story. Refusing wife comes to her senses and stops refusing. Everybody is happy. The end.
If only it truly had been simple. The thing is, when I started the journey, I didn’t even know I was on a journey. If it had occurred to me that I had the place I am now as my destination, heck, if it had occurred to me that I even had a destination, I would’ve turned around and run the other direction. The thought of making a big change was way too huge for me to wrap my brain around. It would require me to rethink who and what I am as a woman and as a wife. It would require me to admit I was wrong.
I did not set out to change myself. True, I prayed for a change of heart, but I saw that as my feelings, not as my actions or my true self. All I did was set out to change one little thing.
My husband was unhappy, and one of the things we was unhappy about was our sex life. I was miserable being married to a man who was unhappy. I was miserable with all the fights about sex. I still thought my husband was wrong to be after me all the time.
All I did was try to change one little thing, and that was “duty sex” (which usually involved me rolling my eyes, sighing, and then closing my eyes until it was over). I took just one step, and that was to say this to myself: “If I’m going to spend the time having sex anyway, I might as well try to enjoy it while I’m there.”
That’s all. One step. One little change. I wasn’t thinking about step 2, or step 3, or a destination. I was simply thinking about trying one little thing and seeing if it made a difference. I was surprised that it actually did.
They say it takes three weeks to make a new habit. After about three weeks, I realized that I had gotten used to actually participating in sex with my husband. I even enjoyed it sometimes. I took a couple more weeks to allow myself to just feel a sense of normal. And then, I looked around and I saw another step I could try. And I did. And so on and so on and so on.
If you are living with a husband who is sexually unhappy, he may be asking you to do all sorts of things—increase frequency, give or receive oral sex, look him in the eyes, touch him, kiss him, etc. It is okay if you can’t imagine yourself doing all those things. Just pick one. Try it for three weeks. Just one little change, for just three weeks. Let go of thinking about where it’s headed. Don’t think of the huge mountain he wants you to climb.
Just take one step. Start today.
I just have to update this with a Joyce Meyer tweet I just saw: “You can either keep walking in misery or make the decision to begin taking steps out of it. ”