My husband’s medical procedure today required that the doctor make a small incision in his groin in order to access a vein. So they shaved him—not in the middle, only on the sides. Yup, they gave my husband the big-guy version of a landing strip. It isn’t polite to laugh at your husband’s pubic region, is it? I should have thought of this before I started giggling. Fortunately, my husband and I share a sense of humor; he was laughing, too.
But it made me think about pubic hair styles. I know that quite a few husbands have preferences about their wives’ “southern” grooming. And I’ve heard quite a few women express reactions that range from confusion to amusement to disgust at those preferences. Several years ago, in fact, I was with a group of women who were complaining that their husbands all wanted them to go completely hairless down south.
To be fair, some men prefer the look and feel of a “full bush.” And some women like their hair to be groomed by trimming or complete removal. But if your husband wants you to do something different down there and you prefer to go natural, you have a decision to make. If your husband is requesting that you remove some or all of your pubic hair, what do you do? If the answer to the question, “What do you want?” involves pubic hair, how can you move past your own reaction to respond to your husband’s desire?
A few years ago, my husband expressed an interest in this as well. He didn’t ask me to make the shift for the rest of my life, just to remove the hair once so he could see what it looked like. My initial reaction was to question why it mattered and what was wrong with the way it was. This was around the time I was starting to be intentional about making some changes in our marriage bed, so after I complained a bit, I agreed to give it a try.
I’ll be honest. Each one of the responses below is something that I thought when my husband made this request. Each one is something I’ve heard a friend say, too. But now, I have a different perspective on these. When a friend makes a comment, instead of commiserating like I used to, I now give them another point of view.
If God wanted me to have no pubic hair, He would have made me that way. Okay, that’s a dumb response to just about anything. All it takes is one person to point out that you were made without shoes, pierced ears, clothes, etc. to see why this response simply doesn’t work.
I can’t reach/see to remove the hair. If you have much of a tummy or aren’t very flexible, this is actually true. However, there are options. In fact, the best one may also count as foreplay: your husband can remove the hair for you. If he is going to use a regular razor, this can require a lot of trust. If you are still working on building trust, ask him to use a beard trimmer, scissors, or an electric razor. Also, there’s a product called the Va j-j Visor that’s made just for protecting your lady bits. It can be used alone or with your husband.
You can have a professional do a waxing, too, although the idea of having someone messing with me down there who isn’t a doctor or my husband just gives me the heebie-jeebies. Of course, this might be preferable to an at-home waxing job by your husband. Trust me when I say this: if your husband isn’t into reading instructions (especially the parts about the importance of holding the skin taut when removing the strip), you DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS. You might end up sobbing. You might end up with a giant bruise on your pubic region. You just might end up so traumatized by the experience that you would prefer to walk around with just one strip of hair missing for a whole week just because you can’t bear the thought of the rest of the hair being removed. You might spend that week worrying that you might get into an accident that requires a medical person to see that part of your body out of fear you would have to explain your waxing injury. Don’t ask me how I know this.
I like the feeling of hair. Okay…but are you sure you wouldn’t also like the feeling of less hair, or no hair? If your husband decides he likes the look of a hairless vulva on you, perhaps you could take turns. Wear it your way for three months, and then wear it his way for three months. Hair styles are not permanent. Does it really hurt anything to give it a try? I do have a preference in terms of how it feels, but both fully haired and hairless can feel good in different ways.
It will make him want to “do stuff.” Um, yeah, it might make your husband want to have sex with you. Isn’t that the way God designed him? Or maybe it’s because he already wants to “do stuff” that the idea intrigues him. If you are trying to make some changes in your sexual interactions with your husband, simply fulfilling this one request might be a good demonstration of your genuine effort. This might be a step outside your comfort zone, but it’s one that doesn’t take as much effort.
He got the idea from porn/movies/past relationships/his buddies. Regardless of where the idea came from, it’s you whose vulva he wants to see with a different hairstyle. He’s curious. He wants to know what the big deal is. And he wants that with you. (If he got the idea from porn, then his porn use needs to be addressed—but that in itself doesn’t make this request wrong or sinful.)
It will make my vulva look like a child’s. This was my biggest objection for years. I was philosophically opposed to the idea of making my genitals look child-like. If you are a survivor of sexual abuse, then this may understandably be a different kind of issue for you than it is for other women. But I learned something. A hairless adult vulva does NOT look like a child’s. I let my husband remove all the hair. I got out my hand mirror and opened my legs. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. I was fascinated. It didn’t look anything like it did the last time I saw it completely hairless. Everything was adult sized. A gynecologist once told me that it is normal for women’s genitals to darken and wrinkle some with age and childbirth. (In fact, there is an industry of products for genital bleaching.) Your adult vulva is much more interesting than your childhood vulva. Your husband’s interest in seeing all of your adult vulva is most likely about you and your vulva, not about a sick interest in children.
Why would it matter? I asked my husband why this was something he wanted me to do. First, he wanted to know me better. He wanted a better understanding of my anatomy that was usually obscured by hair. He wanted to be able to see me better. His biggest reason, though, was that he didn’t like hair getting stuck in his teeth during oral sex. Yes, ladies, my husband’s major reason for wanting me to remove my hair was so he could spend more time giving me pleasure. When he put it that way, how could I turn him down?
The great thing about hair is that it grows back.
If you remove it all, it will grow back to the way you like it. If your husband has expressed an interest in a new southern hairstyle for you, why don’t you surprise him. You just might enjoy it, too.
Besides, no one else has to know about your hairstyle, unless you’re one of these ladies:
Image credit | kropekk_pl at pixabay.com
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The “hypothetical” waxing story had me rolling! That was a great stress reliever right there!
It wasn’t so funny at the time. Hypothetically. But I laugh now. And still cringe just a little.
Oh, I am sure! And it’s not really a story you can share with others in your life, so that they can laugh with you…. or at least it wouldn’t be for me.
Well, I have actually shared it with a couple close friends–but they had just shared their own waxing experiences so it kind of fit into the conversation. 🙂
One thing I never really thought about until my husband cringed and asked me to stop one night…If it has been several days since you last removed the hair and you have “stubble”, it is no different than his beard stubble…it hurts delicate parts of the anatomy. So, be careful what and how much rubbing you do against sensitive skin. Your stubble against the head of his penis hurts as much as if he were his beard against your clitoris. Just something to think about…. 🙂
Excellent point. I never thought about that.
I’m thinking.. I’ve done this before. And I enjoyed the hairlessness. I’ve been wanting to go back to it, but mybusbands clippers are broken; and I’m really apprehensive about using a razor and shaving cream. When hairs are not removed properly, pimples grow down there and they HURT! (Don’t ask how I know.)
Any other suggestions, besides the waxing? I mean “Annie” is cool, but I don’t want her seeing “ME”.
I got a battery-operated electric razor for less than $15 at the drug store. I doesn’t do a completely smooth job, but it’s good for a quick removal.
WebMD has some tips on avoiding bumps: http://www.webmd.com/beauty/hair-removal/female-intimate-grooming
If removing all the hair there makes it look like a child’s, then what about removing hair on your legs and underarms? Doesn’t that make your body look prepubescent, before hormones started hair growth? Does hubby shave his face so he looks like a boy and not a man because real men have beards? Although, on the flip side, I do admit that I like men with hair (body and facial) as opposed to the waxened models, actors and beach bums….deliberately hairless men gross me out kind of the same way deliberately hairy women do.
Shaving “blind” is really not as scary or difficult as it sounds. A few safety tips tho…,never slide the razor sideways, and always keep it flat to the skin. I’ve been fortunate not to have the bumps. Hubby prefers shaven for reasons stated, I prefer him with a few weeks growth. Like the beard, for me, its sexy 😉
I am one of “those” guys that does NOT like much body hair; in fact, I hate it. I am one of those guys who asked his wife to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE alter this particular hair scenario. For me, it totally grosses me out. I’m completely turned off by it – some days are worse than others. I equate it under arm hair and leg hair: I do not want my wife to have under arm hair nor do I enjoy lengthy leg hair. I’ve pleaded because it’s such a HUGE issue for me – yes, I know it’s selfish but again, most do not have under pit hair and I would plead just the same IF that was the case. I trim myself using an electric trimmer. I WISH and WISH that my wife would do the same for me. Unfortunately, something like this needs to start within the heart. It has to be a decision that begins with “providing for my husband”. It begins with someone that lays down their life for another. I can only fantasize about that intentional mind-set.
I’ve become more and more shocked that our relationship hasn’t grown much – so surprising and lonely.
There’s a difference between a desire for something different and being grossed out by the way a spouse is made. If my husband expressed that he was grossed out to the point of not accepting me as is, I might find it hard to want to meet his desire. If your wife’s desire was for you to keep all your hair, would you do that for her?
I will do nearly anything she requests of me. I have no problems with that because SHE wants it. That is part of THE problem though; she doesn’t really get involved in much of anything and I think that is rather bazaar in that she is so far removed.
If her arm pit hair was long and bushy I would be as equally bummed out even though it’s the way my “spouse is made” (which contradicts your article above).
I understand what you’re trying to say. It’s a real issue for me which makes it all the more confusing when I’m supposed to be attracted to it when I am actually a little repulsed by it. Again, if her legs and arm pits were not shaved I would be repulsed by that as well. It’s a very contentious and confusing topic for me. I want to love her more but sometimes this issue gets in the way – quite literally!
All I request is using an electric trimmer to take it down a lot. I would rather a very smooth surface but, apparently, that is asking too much.
There’s no contradiction. My article is addressed to wives who use that as a reason not to trim or remove their own pubic hair. I am challenging them to think about why they won’t respond to their husbands’ desire for this. It is for your wife to think about.
My comment to you is addressed to you. It is not a challenge of your desire for a different hair style on your wife. There is a difference between a desire for something different and being offended by by what you already have. Simply choosing the words “grossed out” and “repulsed” rather than something more benign raises a flag for me. I don’t mind that my husband has a preference for something other than the way I was made, as long as I know that he fully accepts and loves me for how I was made. Having that solid foundational relationship makes it easier for me to trust my husband and take a risk. I know that his love and affection for me are not contingent on whether or not I alter my body.
I hope I’m wrong, but I don’t get the sense that you accept and love your wife the way she is. Does she sense that your love and affect depend on her altering herself?
I apologize if I’m adding confusion: It’s very difficult to convey all the deep layers of a relationship within a paragraph. I love my wife intensely and am repeatedly reminded how wonderfully she compliments my life. We are truly best friends and always will be.
My love for her is not lessened because she will not complete a particular task. However, I have to ask WHY are things like this such a hard thing to complete?! It isn’t a specific deed or event that makes me question her love for me as much as it appears that EVERYTHING is a huge undertaking for her just to merely display any sort of intimacy, affection, or love.
Surly my appreciation of her would grow if she does things I enjoy – that’s obvious of anyone just as the opposite is true. If she does things that I do not like it will cause me to turn away just like everyone else.
My point is/was that if she wouldn’t shave her arm pits I would be ‘turned off” by that. I am not attracted to that. I’ve always found arm pit hair to be gross. Yep, God created her to have arm pit hair and I’m extremely glad she shaves it off otherwise it would turn me off.
Now re-read this last paragraph and replace the arm pit hair with pubic hair.
What’s the difference?
I’ll tell you – she doesn’t do Southern grooming.
Thank you for the clarification.
I think this ^^^ is a bigger issue than hair. This points to a relationship problem. I suspect that if the relationship as a whole were healthier, not only would the grooming matter less to you, she might also be more willing to groom according to your preferences. What are you doing to strengthen your relationship as a whole? And what is she doing?
I agree 100% . This has much to do with the heart and intentions.
Over the years I’ve practiced things I’ve either read or heard from various Christian websites, churches, books, articles, as well as many psychology websites, radio broadcasts, books, and articles.
She, on the other hand, does not EVER refer to marriage assistance at all. The ONLY thing she’s ever read are things I’ve urged her to read – sometimes she’ll read it, sometimes she won’t and nearly everytime she glosses over it.
We’ve grown much over the 26 years: It would take very long to describe.
Although, “some” changes have occurred, THIS subject is a tough hurdle for us.
Take heart. She may be doing a lot more work than you’re aware of. I was making some pretty serious efforts at changing before my husband noticed (or allowed himself to notice?). It is possible that your wife is doing some reading and thinking and simply not yet talking with you about it.
I’ve never done it because I heard that it itches really bad as the hair grows back. Is this true?
I’ve heard that a lot, too, although that hasn’t been my experience. It may have to do with how you prepare the area for shaving. (Do a search for “how to shave bikini area without getting itchy” to find some good suggestions.) You can also use an electric razor. It doesn’t get the area completely smooth, but it can minimize the itching. One that is designed for the bikini area can do a particularly good job.