My husband’s medical procedure today required that the doctor make a small incision in his groin in order to access a vein. So they shaved him—not in the middle, only on the sides. Yup, they gave my husband the big-guy version of a landing strip. It isn’t polite to laugh at your husband’s pubic region, is it? I should have thought of this before I started giggling. Fortunately, my husband and I share a sense of humor; he was laughing, too.
But it made me think about pubic hair styles. I know that quite a few husbands have preferences about their wives’ “southern” grooming. And I’ve heard quite a few women express reactions that range from confusion to amusement to disgust at those preferences. Several years ago, in fact, I was with a group of women who were complaining that their husbands all wanted them to go completely hairless down south.
To be fair, some men prefer the look and feel of a “full bush.” And some women like their hair to be groomed by trimming or complete removal. But if your husband wants you to do something different down there and you prefer to go natural, you have a decision to make. If your husband is requesting that you remove some or all of your pubic hair, what do you do? If the answer to the question, “What do you want?” involves pubic hair, how can you move past your own reaction to respond to your husband’s desire?
A few years ago, my husband expressed an interest in this as well. He didn’t ask me to make the shift for the rest of my life, just to remove the hair once so he could see what it looked like. My initial reaction was to question why it mattered and what was wrong with the way it was. This was around the time I was starting to be intentional about making some changes in our marriage bed, so after I complained a bit, I agreed to give it a try.
I’ll be honest. Each one of the responses below is something that I thought when my husband made this request. Each one is something I’ve heard a friend say, too. But now, I have a different perspective on these. When a friend makes a comment, instead of commiserating like I used to, I now give them another point of view.
If God wanted me to have no pubic hair, He would have made me that way. Okay, that’s a dumb response to just about anything. All it takes is one person to point out that you were made without shoes, pierced ears, clothes, etc. to see why this response simply doesn’t work.
I can’t reach/see to remove the hair. If you have much of a tummy or aren’t very flexible, this is actually true. However, there are options. In fact, the best one may also count as foreplay: your husband can remove the hair for you. If he is going to use a regular razor, this can require a lot of trust. If you are still working on building trust, ask him to use a beard trimmer, scissors, or an electric razor. Also, there’s a product called the Va j-j Visor that’s made just for protecting your lady bits. It can be used alone or with your husband.
You can have a professional do a waxing, too, although the idea of having someone messing with me down there who isn’t a doctor or my husband just gives me the heebie-jeebies. Of course, this might be preferable to an at-home waxing job by your husband. Trust me when I say this: if your husband isn’t into reading instructions (especially the parts about the importance of holding the skin taut when removing the strip), you DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS. You might end up sobbing. You might end up with a giant bruise on your pubic region. You just might end up so traumatized by the experience that you would prefer to walk around with just one strip of hair missing for a whole week just because you can’t bear the thought of the rest of the hair being removed. You might spend that week worrying that you might get into an accident that requires a medical person to see that part of your body out of fear you would have to explain your waxing injury. Don’t ask me how I know this.
I like the feeling of hair. Okay…but are you sure you wouldn’t also like the feeling of less hair, or no hair? If your husband decides he likes the look of a hairless vulva on you, perhaps you could take turns. Wear it your way for three months, and then wear it his way for three months. Hair styles are not permanent. Does it really hurt anything to give it a try? I do have a preference in terms of how it feels, but both fully haired and hairless can feel good in different ways.
It will make him want to “do stuff.” Um, yeah, it might make your husband want to have sex with you. Isn’t that the way God designed him? Or maybe it’s because he already wants to “do stuff” that the idea intrigues him. If you are trying to make some changes in your sexual interactions with your husband, simply fulfilling this one request might be a good demonstration of your genuine effort. This might be a step outside your comfort zone, but it’s one that doesn’t take as much effort.
He got the idea from porn/movies/past relationships/his buddies. Regardless of where the idea came from, it’s you whose vulva he wants to see with a different hairstyle. He’s curious. He wants to know what the big deal is. And he wants that with you. (If he got the idea from porn, then his porn use needs to be addressed—but that in itself doesn’t make this request wrong or sinful.)
It will make my vulva look like a child’s. This was my biggest objection for years. I was philosophically opposed to the idea of making my genitals look child-like. If you are a survivor of sexual abuse, then this may understandably be a different kind of issue for you than it is for other women. But I learned something. A hairless adult vulva does NOT look like a child’s. I let my husband remove all the hair. I got out my hand mirror and opened my legs. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. I was fascinated. It didn’t look anything like it did the last time I saw it completely hairless. Everything was adult sized. A gynecologist once told me that it is normal for women’s genitals to darken and wrinkle some with age and childbirth. (In fact, there is an industry of products for genital bleaching.) Your adult vulva is much more interesting than your childhood vulva. Your husband’s interest in seeing all of your adult vulva is most likely about you and your vulva, not about a sick interest in children.
Why would it matter? I asked my husband why this was something he wanted me to do. First, he wanted to know me better. He wanted a better understanding of my anatomy that was usually obscured by hair. He wanted to be able to see me better. His biggest reason, though, was that he didn’t like hair getting stuck in his teeth during oral sex. Yes, ladies, my husband’s major reason for wanting me to remove my hair was so he could spend more time giving me pleasure. When he put it that way, how could I turn him down?
The great thing about hair is that it grows back. If you remove it all, it will grow back to the way you like it. If your husband has expressed an interest in a new southern hairstyle for you, why don’t you surprise him. You just might enjoy it, too.
Besides, no one else has to know about your hairstyle, unless you’re one of these ladies:
Image courtesy of Grant Cochrane / FreeDigitalPhotos.net