Are you ready to step outside your comfort zone? For the next few Fridays, I’ll be writing about our sexual comfort zones. How do we get unstuck? And what happens when take a step outside?

For the past few several weeks, I’ve been writing about stepping outside your sexual comfort zone in order to experience more joy, intimacy, and pleasure in the marriage bed. In The Comfort Zone, I shared that the best orgasm of my life happened outside my comfort zone. In The Macaroni and Cheese Lesson: Stepping Your Toes Outside Your Comfort Zone, I encouraged you to try to take a baby step, changing just one thing from something inside your sexual comfort zone.

When I say to step outside your comfort zone, I do know what I’m asking of you. I’m asking you to let go of the comfort and stability of the way things have been. I’m asking you to take a risk and step into something new.

But how do we do this? Some people are jump-in-the-deep-end, rip-the-bandaid-off kind of people. They decide to do something, and they just do it, whole hog, all at once. For them, the bulk of the effort is in the process of deciding to do it. I’m like that with some things. When I’ve been struggling with a decision, as soon as I decide—and if I know what to do and what to expect—I just want to do it all at once and get ‘er done.

But with sex, I didn’t really make a decision to make a big change, so this approach didn’t work for me. I’ve heard from other women as they share the struggle of their journey. Sometimes they know where they’re headed, and they know why—but they don’t know how. Or they know where, why, and how—but they’re afraid.

How can those of us who are the wade-in-gradually-until-we-see-what’s-hiding-in-the-water women manage to get ourselves outside the comfort zone to be able to dance in the land of desire outside it?

Honey, we just take it one step at a time.

Some things can make this easier for us:

  • Step outside your non-sexual comfort zones. The more our minds get used to the experience of doing something unfamiliar in one area, the easier it is for us to carry that ability into our sex lives. Switch up a recipe. Drive a new route to work or a friend’s house. If you’re used to saying “yes” when asked to volunteer, change how you say “yes” (for instance, saying that you’ll get back to the person the following day instead of agreeing right away). These small changes every now and then will help you become a person who can handle a little uncertainty with grace and courage.
  • Be willing to be silly. If you don’t do something well, who’s going to know? Only your husband. And so what? Does he do everything perfectly in bed? Enjoy making mistakes and figuring it out together. I’ve avoided new positions in the past due to fear of various bodily functions doing embarrassing things. Now, if we do something new, I simply tell my husband, “Okay, I’m going to make a list of all the things I’m worried about happening—and once that’s out of my head, we can do it.” We tried the game Bliss. I don’t remember what the question or task was, but I couldn’t stop giggling. I was completely outside my comfort zone, and apparently my response to that is giggling. I decided to get over myself and just embraced the giggling. While it wasn’t my sexiest or most attractive moment, what we both remember is that we made an effort—together—to do something different. Okay, we also remember the giggling, but fondly.
  • Make an effort to look for the value in the unexpected. In sex and in other areas of life, learn to appreciate the blessings that come in surprises. We recently discovered that a possum had taken up residence on our back porch. My first reaction was to be upset that my back porch was so animal friendly. My husband wanted to kill it. I was very upset at the idea, but I decided that since he was taking care of it, I should just let it go. I told him I would prefer it not be killed. Several days later, he came home with a live trap and pet food as bait. The next morning, before I even got out of bed, he had carried the cage across the street to let the trapped possum loose in the park. I did NOT want a possum on the porch at all—but I got to see my husband care enough about me that he captured the possum live instead of dealing with it the way he wanted to. The possum was unexpected, but it allowed me to see something I might not have seen otherwise.
  • Imagine your success. During the Olympics, we always hear about athletes visualizing their routine and their success. We can do the same thing with sex. Visualize how it will look (or imagine how it will feel) to do the new thing we’re preparing to do. If you’re getting brave enough to let your husband see you naked in bright light, imagine the way his eyes will look when you surprise him. Imagine the response of a different area of his body when you decide to try giving him oral sex.

Stepping outside your comfort zone is really like doing the hokey pokey. You know, you put your left foot in, then your right foot, then your hand, and so on . . . The next thing you know, you’ve thrown your whole self in and you’re shaking all about. Now, just imagine doing that naked, and you’re practically halfway there.


Next week, I’ll be posting the first of several stories from women who have stepped outside their comfort zones to discover the great pleasure waiting for them there.

You’ll hear from women who have tried new lighting, gotten naked, responded to a husband’s interest in feet, embraced anal sex, and come to enjoy private photography and video. If you have a story to share, I’d love to be able to include it.

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24 Thoughts on “The Hokey Pokey: Throwing Your Whole Self Out of Your Comfort Zone

  1. FW, nice job respecting your husband about the possum. Submission isn’t really so bad is it? It shows trust and respect to your man like almost nothing else can. I’m proud of you!!!

    • I wondered if anyone would pick up on that. I don’t know that I’d call it submission as much as an on-going experiment in trying not to micro-manage my husband. And I may or may not have pointed out that if he used poison as he wanted to, he would be the one to explain to our daughter why the cat is gone when she returns home from college.

      • trixie1466 on August 30, 2013 at 9:57 am said:

        FW, a rose by any other name smells as sweet. I think it’s submission unless you sarcastically or with contempt advised him that he would need to explain the death of the cat. (okay, it might have been more respectful to say “honey, I’m concerned that the cat will get into the poison and die and dd would feel terrible if that happened”. But we take progress where we can, right? I’m still proud of you LOL

        • I said it the way you suggest first–and then followed up with the fact that he would be the one explaining it. I’m a work in progress, after all. 🙂

        • See, you’re getting it. We are all works in progress. You can’t change a lifetime is 40 days so I think you’re doing very well. The great thing is your husband can show you how much he loves you when you make a suggestion and he chooses to follow it. The hard part comes when he doesn’t do it your way. I’m still working on this part because I tend to think I’m right quite often, but it does usually turn out just fine when he does things his way. Letting go of control is hard sometimes, but definately worth the payoff of a closer, affectionate relationship. Bless you FW, you’re doing good work here with your blog!!

  2. trixie1466 on August 30, 2013 at 10:40 am said:

    Aren’t we all 🙂

  3. justme on August 30, 2013 at 12:17 pm said:

    “throw your whole self in and shake it all about”
    *giggling madly*

  4. I love language and find it fascinating when people use or think about language differently. The word “submission” never entered my mind until Trixie mentioned it. In my mind I characterized your story as “letting him be a man,” “letting him do the things he does,” and “showing respect for him and his abilities.” I just don’t speak the “language” of submission, never have and probably never will. But you would find a lot of respect, harmony and showing preference for the other person at my house, so maybe we are okay even without the “correct” language.

    I love your series about stepping outside your sexual comfort zone. I have had some success with this, but need to continue to push forward with it. One thing that is very helpful to me is taking care of my body. If I am feeding my body well, exercising regularly, and maintaining a reasonable weight, then I am more confident in my body and more able to step out of my comfort zone.

    • I don’t speak the language of submission, either, but the words that ran through my head as I made “the possum decision” reminded me of one of the in the Respect Dare–which, to me, was about respect towad my husband and submission to God.

      My husband and I both need to do a better job taking care of our bodies. I am so thankful that he has never, ever given me any reason not to feel confident in what my body does to him.

  5. This is a great post and definitely has had me wondering whether there is something more I could do to spice things up with my husband. This being a second marriage for both of us has been a challenge at times as it is easy to drag in old habits and attitudes, but we have both commented how our sex life is way more satisfying this time around than in our first marriages. He had a spouse that refused constantly and actually had an affair, I had an abusive spouse who demanded things I was not comfortable with and had no desire to give me pleasure. So, tonight after we’d connected in a most exhilarating way I told my husband that I hoped he was not growing bored and if there was something more he would like to add to our repertoire lovemaking techniques (well, I didn’t say it exactly like that LOL), he said he certainly NOT bored and “aren’t we doing everything now?” When I expressed concerned that I didn’t do enough for him intimately, he said, “believe me, you do a lot for me!” Stepping out of our comfort zones requires trust and good communication, and can certainly lead to some amazing experiences. And sometimes while trying to change things up, we might just find out that our spouse actually sees our sex life as anything but the same ‘ol mac and cheese. 🙂 Looking forward to reading the stories of other women stepping out of their comfort zones. You have certainly given me some “food” for thought. 😉

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  11. 40SomethingF on October 7, 2014 at 7:07 pm said:

    You know from my other post just how much I believe in *leaping* out of the comfort zone. In our case, it was just exciting to realize we both wanted to leap to the same place.

    • For me, the first leap was the hardest. Once I managed that one, I realized that I could survive a leap and that knowledge made the next one all the easier. I hope you continue to enjoy leaping. 🙂

      • 40SomethingF on October 7, 2014 at 7:26 pm said:

        Thank you! We already are. We actually try to reach new “milestones” with the act I mentioned to you. How intense can we get? How long can we last at that pace? That kind of thing. I wonder if I’m alone in really enjoying that kind of thing.

  12. 40SomethingF on October 7, 2014 at 7:56 pm said:

    Oh, I see!! 🙂 You too, huh?

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