Are you ready to step outside your comfort zone? For the next few Fridays, I’ll be writing about our sexual comfort zones. How do we get unstuck? And what happens when take a step outside?
For the past few several weeks, I’ve been writing about stepping outside your sexual comfort zone in order to experience more joy, intimacy, and pleasure in the marriage bed. In The Comfort Zone, I shared that the best orgasm of my life happened outside my comfort zone. In The Macaroni and Cheese Lesson: Stepping Your Toes Outside Your Comfort Zone, I encouraged you to try to take a baby step, changing just one thing from something inside your sexual comfort zone.
When I say to step outside your comfort zone, I do know what I’m asking of you. I’m asking you to let go of the comfort and stability of the way things have been. I’m asking you to take a risk and step into something new.
But how do we do this? Some people are jump-in-the-deep-end, rip-the-bandaid-off kind of people. They decide to do something, and they just do it, whole hog, all at once. For them, the bulk of the effort is in the process of deciding to do it. I’m like that with some things. When I’ve been struggling with a decision, as soon as I decide—and if I know what to do and what to expect—I just want to do it all at once and get ‘er done.
But with sex, I didn’t really make a decision to make a big change, so this approach didn’t work for me. I’ve heard from other women as they share the struggle of their journey. Sometimes they know where they’re headed, and they know why—but they don’t know how. Or they know where, why, and how—but they’re afraid.
How can those of us who are the wade-in-gradually-until-we-see-what’s-hiding-in-the-water women manage to get ourselves outside the comfort zone to be able to dance in the land of desire outside it?
Honey, we just take it one step at a time.
Some things can make this easier for us:
- Step outside your non-sexual comfort zones. The more our minds get used to the experience of doing something unfamiliar in one area, the easier it is for us to carry that ability into our sex lives. Switch up a recipe. Drive a new route to work or a friend’s house. If you’re used to saying “yes” when asked to volunteer, change how you say “yes” (for instance, saying that you’ll get back to the person the following day instead of agreeing right away). These small changes every now and then will help you become a person who can handle a little uncertainty with grace and courage.
- Be willing to be silly. If you don’t do something well, who’s going to know? Only your husband. And so what? Does he do everything perfectly in bed? Enjoy making mistakes and figuring it out together. I’ve avoided new positions in the past due to fear of various bodily functions doing embarrassing things. Now, if we do something new, I simply tell my husband, “Okay, I’m going to make a list of all the things I’m worried about happening—and once that’s out of my head, we can do it.” We tried the game Bliss. I don’t remember what the question or task was, but I couldn’t stop giggling. I was completely outside my comfort zone, and apparently my response to that is giggling. I decided to get over myself and just embraced the giggling. While it wasn’t my sexiest or most attractive moment, what we both remember is that we made an effort—together—to do something different. Okay, we also remember the giggling, but fondly.
- Make an effort to look for the value in the unexpected. In sex and in other areas of life, learn to appreciate the blessings that come in surprises. We recently discovered that a possum had taken up residence on our back porch. My first reaction was to be upset that my back porch was so animal friendly. My husband wanted to kill it. I was very upset at the idea, but I decided that since he was taking care of it, I should just let it go. I told him I would prefer it not be killed. Several days later, he came home with a live trap and pet food as bait. The next morning, before I even got out of bed, he had carried the cage across the street to let the trapped possum loose in the park. I did NOT want a possum on the porch at all—but I got to see my husband care enough about me that he captured the possum live instead of dealing with it the way he wanted to. The possum was unexpected, but it allowed me to see something I might not have seen otherwise.
- Imagine your success. During the Olympics, we always hear about athletes visualizing their routine and their success. We can do the same thing with sex. Visualize how it will look (or imagine how it will feel) to do the new thing we’re preparing to do. If you’re getting brave enough to let your husband see you naked in bright light, imagine the way his eyes will look when you surprise him. Imagine the response of a different area of his body when you decide to try giving him oral sex.
Stepping outside your comfort zone is really like doing the hokey pokey. You know, you put your left foot in, then your right foot, then your hand, and so on . . . The next thing you know, you’ve thrown your whole self in and you’re shaking all about. Now, just imagine doing that naked, and you’re practically halfway there.
Next week, I’ll be posting the first of several stories from women who have stepped outside their comfort zones to discover the great pleasure waiting for them there.
You’ll hear from women who have tried new lighting, gotten naked, responded to a husband’s interest in feet, embraced anal sex, and come to enjoy private photography and video. If you have a story to share, I’d love to be able to include it.
- Other Posts in the Comfort Zone Series: