5 Years: The Story Behind the Blog

Five years ago yesterday, I published the first (and second and third) post on this blog.

When I tell my story here about God’s transformative work in my heart, I focus on my marriage. That is, after all, the point of this blog.

Restoration drives the content of this blog. My marriage was restored. Intimacy with my husband was restored. Intimacy with God was restored.

My faith was restored.

But there’s more to the story than restoration. The rest of the story is about my response to that restoration–the blog itself and the ministry that has grown out of it.

I’d like to share a little of that story today.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

In late 2012, I’d gotten through the hardest part of my work on sex. I’d developed new ways of thinking and feeling about sex. My husband had gotten through the first year of his healing from the hurt I’d caused. Our sex life had become a source of joy and contentment. Our marriage had grown more intimate. Our marriage was good.

I began to participate in online discussion boards, and my experience helped me bring to light some of the struggles experienced by wives who resist and avoid sex. I was also able to dig into emotions and provide some perspective. Someone suggested that I begin to mentor other wives.

Over the next few months, the suggestion stuck with me. I took a good look at my strengths and gifts, and the idea of a blog began to take shape. It was an example of turning my life mess into a ministry message. I had been transformed, and I wanted to help other women who were on that same journey.

I wrestled over the name of my blog for a while. The name The Forgiven Wife first occurred to me because I was so grateful to my husband for having forgiven me for sins against him. (I don’t think it is sin to say no to sex. I DO think it is a sin to have a pattern of saying no and not working to address the root issues.) Then I realized that the One whose forgiveness mattered most was God’s—and I had that as well. The name of the blog would refer to both my husband’s earthly forgiveness and God’s heavenly forgiveness.

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will be converted to You. Psalm 51:12-13

This blog is my response to God’s gift in transforming my heart.

It is also an act of obedience.

I set up the website The Forgiven Wife, but I wasn’t certain that I would really do anything with it. On April 2, 2013, I published my first posts, still not sure what I would do with the site.

Several days later, I was making a two-hour drive. I used most of the trip to pray about the blog. What should I do, God? Should I blog? Should I do something else with the site? Should I ditch the idea altogether? What do you want me to do? If I write the blog, who should I write it to?

God’s answer was loud and incredibly clear: “Write to Jane.” Jane is a pseudonym for a real woman I was planning to email–but I understood that God’s instruction to me wasn’t about the email. It was about how I should write the blog.

Write the blog for one woman at a time.

Even now, five years later, as I write, I hold in my heart one woman who needs the words I will write. With every post, if I’ve helped only one woman, I know I have done what God has asked of me.

Deliver me from blood guiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation; then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness. Psalm 51:14

I was overly prolific during the first couple weeks. I took thoughts from discussion boards and messages to others and made them into blog posts—each post for one particular woman. I was determined to give the blog a good try for three months. I wasn’t sure I would stick with it after that, but I wanted to at least leave something of substance.

As I added the blog link into my signature on a couple discussion boards and used my new blog identity to comment on a few other blogs about marriage, I began to see some traffic. When I first had 35 page views in one day, I felt giddy. People were actually reading what I had to say! I could hardly believe it.

Then, not quite three weeks in, Lori at The Generous Wife included a link to one of my posts on her blog. I had over 1500 page views that day. Instead of feeling giddy, I felt light-headed and sick to my stomach. Oh, my, what I have gotten myself into? What if I say something wrong that hurts someone? I’m not sure I can do this.

I was overwhelmed by the fact that total strangers were reading what I wrote, but I was continually reassured by God that He had prepared me for this. So I kept on.

Compared to other Christian marriage and sex blogs, I have a fairly narrow mission and audience . I know that my traffic will always be slower than some of my blogger friends get, although I do see a slow and consistent increase in numbers. I do okay, but it would be easy to feel discouraged that my numbers aren’t even close to what some blogs have.

Fortunately, I know that there is only one number that matters:

ONE.

One woman.

One woman at a time. If a blog post helps only one woman or makes a difference in only one marriage, I have done what God has asked me to do.

O Lord, open my lips, that my mouth may declare Your praise. Psalm 51:15

Five years into my blog, I now describe what I do as a ministry rather than a blog. The blog is the cornerstone of the ministry and is the most visible piece of what I do, but I also reach out in other ways now.

Last year was my first step beyond the blog (and outside my comfort zone) with the Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast I do with my friends Bonny, Gaye, and J. We are all writers, but not everyone likes to read blogs. The podcast helps us reach out to a whole new group of women.

This year I am building small groups to support and encourage wives who want to learn to pursue and enjoy sexual intimacy in their marriages. I’m also in the process of creating mentoring opportunities that will provide more intensive and personalized support.

I thank God every day for the privilege of doing this work. I am thankful to you as well, whether you are a new or occasional reader or you have been with me regularly for five years. When I hear from you about how a blog post has helped you, God reminds me that even now, this “one woman at a time” thing still works.

Some days it seems that all I’m doing is spilling my mess in front of you—but God manages to turn that mess into a message.

He transformed me, and he continues to transform my story.

❦❦❦

I’d love to have you follow me on my social media channels.

My main Facebook page is where I share links to my current posts, posts from the archives, and posts from other blogs that I think will encourage and help you.

I also have a Forgiven Wife Community Facebook page that serves only as a portal to my small groups. You don’t need to follow the page to be part of the groups.

My Twitter feed shares many of the same things as my Facebook page does.

Follow me on Instagram to see occasional pictures of my real life.

If you’re interested in starting your own blog, check out my blog coaching packages at LifeSpring Writing. It’s great for someone just getting started.

As I continue to grow and look or new avenues to reach out to hurting women, my expenses grow as well. If I’ve helped you or your marriage in any way, consider supporting my work with a monthly contribution through Patreon. For the cost of one cup of coffee per month, you can help cover the expenses for what I do.
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Thanks so much for being with me in this place, my friend. May God bless you and your marriage.