Our conversations about our marriage were quiet and heart-wrenching. Although Big Guy has a big voice and isn’t afraid to use it, when he was vulnerable and shared his heart, he spoke softly.
It was the quietness that got to me. I could hear his quiet voice much more clearly than I could hear his pain-infused volume.
“I just want to make love with you. How can I help you be more interested in sex?” “Why don’t you like sex like you used to?” His questions were honest and sincere.
I didn’t know how to answer him. Sometimes I didn’t truly know the answer myself. Other times I knew the answer but didn’t know how to speak through my own pain:
- You emotionally abandoned me and don’t even care at the pain I’ve experienced.
- I am stressed out from work and the kids and all the housework and you expect me to drop what I’m doing when it’s 10:30 and I still have four other things on my to-do list for the day.
- I feel invisible to you. I don’t think you see what I experience or who I truly am.
- I am overwhelmed by life.
- You tell me you love me in a vague and general way. The only time you ever tell me something specific you love about me is when it relates to sex.
- You never share your heart with me unless it is about sex. I am desperate to be more to you.
And out loud I would say, “I don’t know.” “I guess I don’t have much of a sex drive.” “I don’t feel good.”
I either spoke a truth that he did not hear or I spoke words that were my unsuccessful attempt to get at the truth.
The conversations would sometimes lead to fights and other times lead to sex. Either way, they led to me lying in tears while I cried myself to sleep in my loneliness.
I felt especially alone after we’d had a difficult conversation about our marriage. I didn’t know what to. I didn’t even know what the problem truly was. What I did know was that our marriage wasn’t working right.
When I feel like life is completely falling apart, I try to find a way to restore a sense of order in my mind. Sometimes this means that I write out my feelings in rhyme. The rhythm of the words and the control of the rhyme give me great comfort. After some of our painful conversations, it meant that I pulled out a pen and started scribbling words down.
I cleaned out a box today and ran cross something that pulled me right back into the pain of the past. It was one of the things I’d written after a conversation that did not result in sex. I can still see the tear stains on the page.
I am sharing it here because I want you to see where I once was in my marriage. If you push aside the bad poetry and attempted rhyme, you may be able to see the heart hurt I was experiencing in my marriage.
I’m lying in bed beside you
And you don’t look my way.
I’m crying on your shoulder
And you don’t know what to say.
“What’s wrong? What’s the matter?”
But do you really care?
So I roll over
And lie still beside you.
I can’t bring myself to share.
You lie there and wonder
What to do. I hear a sigh.
I don’t want you to be uncomfortable,
So I wipe my face dry.
What in the world is wrong with us?
We’re close enough to touch
But we’re so far away.
We don’t let ourselves be touched,
Lying by each other.
You don’t say, “I care.”
Crying and sighing, I won’t dare to share.
So for a while we’ll wander
In this very common play.
We’ll touch but stay untouched
Until some day, some way
One of us finds the courage
To show the soul, nearly bare—
For it isn’t until one takes the risk
That the other truly wants to care.
It is hard for me to read these words now. They carry me right back to the sorrow I was feeling at that time. (See The Sorrow of a Refusing Wife.)
I thought our marriage would never, ever get better. I thought I would be lying next to my husband without real intimacy for years.
We would lie next to each other, side by side, barely touching in body or heart. I ached for our future. Big Guy did, too, I suppose.
When I wrote so long ago, I was on the verge of losing all hope for our marriage.
~~~
This past weekend was one filled with much intimacy in our marriage.
We had a lovely dinner with good friends. We did things that speak love to the other. The sex was fun and loving. The conversations were illuminating and laughter-filled.
We had a normal weekend filled with normal life things. It was a weekend of nothing special—except that our marriage has become special.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my husband’s arms wrapped around me and my hands holding his arms. We were entwined together.
It’s how we sleep now. (See Why Sleeping Together Is Awesome.)
Once I thought we would forever be lying side by side, parallel but never really together.
Once, when he spoke softly, I would lie there feeling alone for hours. His whisper was a loud reminder of the lack of intimacy.
Now, in the quiet of the night, the interweaving of our bodies loudly speaks a proclamation of the bone-deep and heart-deep intimacy that has grown in our marriage.
~~~
Do the words I wrote years ago resonate with you in some way?
I want you to know, sister, that it can get so much better.
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I can’t imagine sleeping entwined. I roll around a lot and take a long time to fall asleep. Sleeping married was an awkward transition (my brain initially kept going “I’m sleeping with a guy!!”), and I’ve never been comfortable sleeping while being touched (never mind the way somebody’s arm always ends up asleep the few times we’ve drifted off for a bit while snuggling). It doesn’t help that he’s a lot bigger than me, so I feel pinned if he rests an arm over me.
It’s hard for me to believe sometimes. It is rare that I can fall asleep touching or being touched. The fact that this happens while I’m sound asleep astonishes me.
I just had a talk with my wife today. It did not go very well. I wanted to make an appointment with a gynecologist to see if her having sex with me would be dangerous to her health. I asked what she would do if the gynecologist said that there would be no danger to her health if she had sex with me. She reminded me of what another gynecologist said to us last year, that her sex drive was gone. My wife interpreted that to mean that I should have been prepared to live in a celebate marriage with her for the rest of my life. She said that because she is 68 years old, I should understand why she doesn’t want sex. (I am 76.)
I told my wife that just as it is a sin to have sex outside of marriage, it is also a sin to reject the other spouse when he or she wants sex in the marriage. That the one who is refusing sex is the one who is being selfish, not the other way around. I told her that God put the desire in me to have sex in the marraige. I also told her that I have been communicating with people on the internet who have the same problem as I have, men and women alike. I told her that all of us who have the problem with a spouse who refuses to have sex with us feel rejected and that the one who refuses to have sex is destroying the marriage. I also mentioned about the women (through this blog, for example) who refused to have sex with their husbands but repented because they knew it was wrong. I told her that these women have come to the point to where they now enjoy having sex with their husbands. She still doesn’t understand.
She also believes that she has to be in love with me to have sex with me, which she said she has never been, that she married me because she felt pressured to do so. I told her that I could not live in a celebate marriage the rest of my life. I explained that refusal by one spouse leads the other into a lot of temptation.
She plans on going to Colombia in December. When I saw some signs of hope a few weeks ago, l told her then that I would like to go to Colombia with her. However, today I told her that until we solve our marital problems I would not be going with her. Furthermore, I told her that if we could not solve them by December, that not only would she have to go there alone, but would have to stay there until we could solve them. I told her that if she wanted me only as a friend, she could call me via Skype from Colombia.
My wife receives two pensions, so she doesn’t have to depend on me to support her. Right now I am paying for all the expenses of the house, the car, and buy all the food. I don’t make a lot more money than she does.
Just a few minutes ago, while I was typing this blog, she told me that she needed to get an exam for her kidneys. Although we have social security health coverage in Mexico, she told me she would get a much more complete exam via a private company. One of those that she really trusts would charge 800 pesos for the exam. I asked her if she had the money to pay for it and she said no. I told her that I would pay for it.
So, I really love my wife and have tried hard to be a good husband. Unfortunately, it does not look like this love is mutual. Please pray for our marriage! Fortunately, neither one of us want a divorce. I am hoping that if we separate, that both of us will come to the conclusion that God wants us to have a good marriage to each other and that both of us will be willling to do what it takes to have one.
You will both be in my prayers.
Mexico & Columbia,
There’s always hope in Christ. Satan wants you to be divided, wants to destroy your marriage, wants you to seek ungodly counsel, and make a mess of your testimony. For what you and your wife do to bring the gospel it’s going to be a daily battle. It’s to be expected and victory is faith. Don’t let your wife go alone. Yo soy el camino y la verdad y la vida nadie viene al Padre sino por mi Juan 14:6
It’s the only way there’s no other way. Not your way,the doctor said it way, my friends said this way, but His way. A El oid!
I’m praying for your marriage
Missionary in USA
Yes, your words hit home big time. And me and my husband have had healing and been blessed like you in your marriage. Praise God for the intimacy we share now. We will be married 26 years next month and for the first 20 years I felt so lonely and rejected and now I wonder if my husband did too but verbalized his hurt through the anger and nasty names he called me.
My husband’s hurt came out through anger as well. His anger would hurt me, I would build up more walls, he’d get more hurt and angry, etc. It was a vicious cycle.
I’m so glad you have seen healing in your marriage. It is amazing how much better it can get.
I’m a husband currently lost in the depths of a sexless marriage.
Having read your tear stained note to yourself I thought it may be apt to share something that I wrote almost 2-years ago during another lonely sleep deprived night……
As I lie here in bed the pain of loneliness rips through my heart like a knife.
Another sleepless night on my own with you crashed out on the sofa trying to avoid being my wife.
I’ve tried to be nice, I’ve tried to worship you
I’ve tried to be a man, I’ve tried being strong
I’ve tried to do things right, but still I get rejected in an instant
You think I just want sex, to use your body as a tool to satisfy my greed
You think I want it all the time but oh how wrong you are
I just want to be close to you, to kiss you, to touch you, to feel you want me
I want us to share our bodies, to please the other as lovers should
Just once a month is all I ask, to have that special time just for us
It doesn’t have to be always the same
Just as long as you let me love you
I’ve now got to the point where I cannot live this lie any longer
The truth will be out and I may leave
To be away from the person I love
Who doesn’t want me
Thank you for sharing this, Phil. It is sad how much loneliness people experience in marriage.
Yes it’s very sad.
Thankfully I’m happier with my lot these days as my wife has finally agreed to talk to a counsellor about things.
Still no intimacy but a lot more hope!